SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

When we were dating, we talked openly about our pasts to make sure our values aligned. I told her my history was pretty uneventful—I had chosen to wait for marriage. She told me she had only been with one person, her last boyfriend. I took her at her word, and we got married about a year later.

Over time, especially as we grew more comfortable sharing, her stories began to shift. Eventually, she told me there had been a time in her life when she partied heavily and was often blackout drunk. She admitted that she hadn’t been honest with me in the beginning—she had been afraid that if I knew the truth, I would leave her.

She said she had actually been with many more people—likely 40 or more. At one party, and possibly others based on what she hinted at, she had been with multiple men in a single night. She also admitted that in many of those encounters, she didn’t use protection. When I asked whether she had been tested before we got together, she said no—and even now, she still hasn’t. I think shame or fear may be holding her back, but I can’t be sure. I’m getting tested next week; thankfully I haven’t had any symptoms, but I know that doesn’t mean anything for certain.

I’m not going to lie: I wasn’t angry at first—I was in shock. I went emotionally cold for a while. Even though this wasn’t an affair, it felt like something important had been taken from me. I didn’t have the full truth when I made the decision to marry her, and that matters to me. It’s not about judging her past—it’s about not having had the chance to make an informed choice.

What makes it even harder is how much this has affected my mental state. I just found all of this out within the past year, and it’s been incredibly difficult to process. I find myself shutting down mentally at times. I struggle to focus at work. Some days I can barely get through the tasks in front of me. It’s not just emotional—it’s physical. It’s like my brain and body are still trying to catch up with the shock.

We have young children now. I love them with everything I have, and I do care about my wife. But I’m torn. I’m not sure I would have said yes to this relationship had I known everything at the start. I feel guilty even thinking that—but it’s the truth. Sometimes I feel emotionally disconnected from her, and that’s something I never expected.

When I tried to share my feelings with her, she almost laughed it off, like it shouldn’t be a big deal. That hurt. I’ve asked her to go to counseling with me, but she won’t. So I’ve started seeking support on my own—private counseling, online forums, places where I can speak honestly without fear of being dismissed or judged.

I’m not writing this to criticize or shame anyone. I understand people make mistakes and go through difficult chapters in life. I’m just struggling with the reality that I didn’t get to make this life choice with the full truth. My feelings may be complicated, but they’re real. And I’m trying to find a way forward, with grace—for her, for myself, and for our kids.

[This message edited by LookingForAnswers at 9:36 PM, Wednesday, May 21st]

Strange, but in fact it's more like an annulment if you were to leave her, in an emotional sense, though not likely legal at this time.

Given what she lied about it's a form of entrapment.

Get a polygraph DNA your kids.

Is she still in contact with people she had sex with? Are they in her phone or coworkers?

[This message edited by survrus at 9:16 PM, Wednesday, May 21st]

I understand your situation and would like to add, the fact that she refuses to get tested for any disease is more of a problem (for me) than anything else.

I understand your position and would agree that had she told you, you may have made a different decision.

But now the burning question is - where do you go from here?

Can you stay married to someone where trust is broken? Can you move past her dishonesty and the fact she lied by omission?

I get how you feel like you've been put in a box. You've been betrayed, but not by infidelity. The lies you were told DID affect your agency, which is one of the most important aspects that we have in life....in my opinion.

There are (2) blaring issues with your wife that stand out--

(1)The lies she initially told, and kept, that were very important to your decision making, and

(2) Her total lack of understanding/care about the turmoil that you are in. She got what she wanted, and withheld the truth out of fear of losing that(initially). Now that time/comfort has elapsed, the fears of hers don't seem to be there. That's quite selfish. Definitely not empathetic.

She could have thought, with a certain rationale, that you were a shallow a**hole if you ended your relationship with her due to body counts.....IF SHE GAVE YOU THE TRUTH. Her values were different than yours, and that's fine. But she unilaterally decided that you didn't need that information--to her own benefit. THAT is the real issue here.

And you're left to pick up the pieces. I'd bet if you were willing to walk away....today....that she wouldn't be laughing off the 'silliness' of it. I'm not saying to do that...unless that is what you wanted....but my guess is unless some of her fears of losing the relationship appear real to her, she won't see the pain that you are in.

LFA, I agree with the other posters and the various points they have made. The compartmentalization your wife seems to exhibit is astounding + of course her complete lack of empathy and taking accountability for her lies.

I have a feeling her instincts were likely correct and had you been given the basic option to make an informed choice...you may have ended the relationship with her...or maybe not.

Body count should not be an automatic dealbreaker, but flat out lying when your values at that time of your life were polar opposities is a huge break of trust. And self serving.

What kind of feedback are you receiving in private counseling? Other online forums? And are you seeking multiple opinions in order to share with her the general consensus, thusly convincing her to attend counseling with you?

Welcome to SI and so sorry that you're here. There are some posts pinned to the top of the page that we encourage new members to read. There are some other posts (unpinned, but have bull's eye icons) that are great resources, too. The Healing Library has lots of resources, too. In the ICR (I Can Relate) forum, you may want to read some of the thread set up for BS (betrayed spouses - you) who didn't find out until years later.

The shock is real. You may find it beneficial to have IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist to help you deal with the trauma. If you're finding it hard to sleep or with depression, you may want to see your doctor for some meds. You can take them short term and not have to be on them forever.

The problem is that she's known about this for years, so it's no big deal to her. You just found out and it's devastating. She didn't make a mistake. A mistake is forgetting to grab a gallon of milk at the store. She made conscious decisions to not let you know, and manipulated your view of reality. It could be considered a form of emotional abuse.

Have you seen the movie Truman's World with Jim Carrey? Can you imagine the emotional and psychological abuse that Truman went through and how he felt about all of the lies? She's done that to you. How does she want to deal with that?

What kinds of consequences are you considering putting in place if she's found lying again?

I’m not trying to base my decision solely on her body count, but I can’t deny that it does bother me to some extent. What really hurt was that she completely lied about her past and didn’t get tested even once before we were together. That felt incredibly selfish — like preserving the relationship mattered more to her than the risks she was exposing both of us to, including her own health.

I haven’t seen a counselor yet, but I’m in the process of scheduling an appointment online to keep things discreet. The earliest availability is next month. In the meantime, I’m turning to this group because I want outside perspectives to help me think clearly. If I’m overreacting, I’m open to hearing that — but if my reaction is reasonable, I want to recognize that too and move forward with clarity.

When we were dating, we talked openly about our pasts to make sure our values aligned.

This is the crux of your issue.

The deception started all the way back then. Her body count is irrelevant, but the taking away of your agency to decide is extremely relevant.

You had been living a lie since you had met her, and her refusal to go for counselling and to laugh at your feelings are red flags. She is not thinking about you, and only of herself.

Start with going for counselling for yourself first, to realign yourself. Once you are at a place where you have clarity, then make your decision from there. R or D, it will be up to you.

I have had a very similar situation except we were in a relationship for 6 yrs and during short fights or 5 day breakups my wife then girlfriend would fuck the first guy that hit on her for a total of 6 times and one of them we were definitely not broken up or in a fight. I found out 11 yrs after we got married and had two young kids. Your situation is different and the same, she lied to you as did my wife, I had asked her multiple times before marriage if she ever slept with a guy since we started dating and she swore on all things holy that she never did. I can imagine and understand your shock, it like PTSD. I stayed for complicated reasons but I must admit this information killed the specialness of my marriage, I probably should have left rather than go through periods of depression and disgust when I'm triggered. If had this information for over 20 yrs so dont expect to get over this anytime soon. Read a lot, get counselling, try to understand what young drunk people do and the shame that comes with it. I am grateful for the true remorse my wife displayed after she came clean, maybe if you let her know how truly broken and mentally fucked up she might at least acknowledge your pain and apologize for the lies and omissions.

Since I am a female I am going to address this about my sex. The body count is not believable. Something horrible was going on if the numbers come anywhere near these.
What she sexually abused as a child? What in the world happened to her? For her to glide seamlessly into marriage is what is confusing. I don’t know how she did it.
I hope you get the entire story of her life because something is not adding up.

You are not over-reacting at all.

As I said, the lack of STI/STD testing is a big red flag for me and that would be more of an issue than the fact she didn’t tell you the truth about her previous experiences.

The lack of testing is very personal and directly affects your health etc. She has put you in harm’s way without regard. Period.

Whatever the reasons are, that would really cause me to re-evaluate whether I could be married to someone who cares so little about me.

Glad to see you are getting counseling. I hope it helps you.

So far on this one post everyone has agreed with your position so I hope you don’t feel "alone" in your position.

In my opinion there are no easy answers to this situation with young children in the mix.

When I tried to share my feelings with her, she almost laughed it off, like it shouldn’t be a big deal.

This stands out to me, in addition to all the lies and not getting tested for Venereal Diseases and STIs. She just does not have any Respect for you, IMO.

I wish I had a suggestion for you, but now that you two have children I just can't flippantly say something like you should just exit your marriage.

I am sorry you are in this situation. I don't know how I would handle it.

Good luck to you.

[This message edited by lrpprl at 1:25 PM, Friday, May 23rd]

On a practical level, STI testing is part of at least some (probably most) prenatal protocols. Was your W not tested before the births of your kids? (Of course, she might still have infected you in a number of scenarios.)

Also, if you've given blood since you connected with your W, your have been tested for most STIs.

I don't know what was the source of your W's lack of empathy. I'm with cooley - the behavior your report may be exaggerated; if not, it could have been a response to CSA. That doesn't mean you have to stay together, but there probably more going on here than is obvious.

Can we please stop shaming this guy if he’s not ok with her body count? Comments like "her body count is irrelevant". Please tell me exactly why anyone doesn’t get to choose the attributes of a future spouse, including body count? He was never going to shame her for that. However NOTHING IS WRONG with him if in fact he wanted a spouse with a low body count. It’s about aligned values, including on sexuality.

If I’m overreacting, I’m open to hearing that — but if my reaction is reasonable, I want to recognize that too and move forward with clarity.

You’re not at all overreacting. I’d be hopping mad to have been lied to, profoundly and directly when it comes to aligned values, and she absolutely (and admittedly!!) duped you into marriage, KNOWING you could have very well made a different choice had you been properly informed.

OP, you need to understand something critical here: since your wife is perfectly capable of lying to your face with respect to very serious matters, do NOT for one minute think she’s not capable of lying to you on other very important matters, to cover her own selfishness. Tell her you are profoundly NOT OK with her having lied to you so profoundly for so long, and that unless she convinces you she’s profoundly changed herself (her response to you proves she hasn’t), that your marriage is in seriously jeopardy. Tell her if she tries to throw you under the bus to everyone for leaving her for her body count, "that should be irrelevant" (according to others here), tell her if she chooses to do that, you will choose to correct the story by informing everyone how she profoundly lied to you to deceive you into marriage, and in fact admitted she knew what she was doing to deliberately trick you into marriage and a family, and that no marriage built on profound lies had any chance of survival.

Do NOT roll over on this one!!

I want to clarify for those who think I’m exaggerating.

My wife’s parents were largely absent from her life—she was mostly raised by her much older sister. While my wife never engaged in prostitution, her sister did at one point to make extra money. That same sister was the one who introduced her to the party and club scene.

Some people are skeptical about the body count I mentioned. I understand—it may sound high to some—but while it’s not typical everywhere, it is more common in certain parts of California, especially in the club scene. So the numbers I mentioned aren’t unusual in that context.

It’s important to understand that my wife didn’t go straight from that lifestyle to marriage. She got pulled into that world by her sister, but a terrifying experience at a party—where some dangerous people meant her harm—was a wake-up call. Thankfully, someone stepped in to help, and that moment changed her. It scared her out of the lifestyle completely.

After that, she dated a guy I was aware of, but he had serious issues and kept going to rehab. She broke things off with him, and by the time I met her at work, a couple of years had passed since she’d left that scene behind.

As for the STI concern: yes, pregnancy tests screen for some infections, but not all—just those that pose a serious risk to the baby. I’m probably fine, but I still want to get tested for peace of mind, since some things can lie dormant for years.

I consider what was done to her child sex abuse and adult rape. Very good news that she pulled herself out of it. If her sister was her role model/support system then her behavior makes more sense.
She needs EMDR then very intense talk therapy. It sounds like she has some issues with empathy. So would I if I would up in that life style.
You need to protect yourself by making sure she recognizes what you are feeling. I am guessing she saw you as a safe harbor after the chaos of her life.
I think your marriage is salvable if she can get past her own history to fully understand the impact this has had on you. If she has been totally committed to you and your children then that is a big plus.
I do warn you that under that act of disinterest is a very damaged child who NEEDS to go to counseling. I do social work. Children put on a very tough carapace to save their lives. She needs to let you in. You can see how long she kept her secret. Children learn who is safe. She thought you were because she told you her history.
This is a big mess but given time you might come out with a good marriage.
Take care of your stress levels. They are cumulative.

Sorry you find yourself here but am really glad you've posted.

The fact that you specifically asked about how many sexual partners she had had prior to you, and that she chose to lie knowing it was a core issue for you is huge. Its so aggregious in fact that had you known the amount of men she had been sexually involved with, you probably would never have moved forward with her which is almost assuredly why she lied to you and probably breathed a huge sigh of relief when you bought her story. There is a word for this kind of deceit in order to seal a deal, its called fraud.

Do you have an std problem? Doubtful but Im glad you're getting it checked. Do you have an an issue with her glaring lack of integrity? Huge. And its not going away. The fact that shes laughing it off has got to compound the pain and trauma. She is probably deflecting and minimizing it hoping youll let it go and that it will just fade away. Based on your post Ill go out on a limb and say thats not going to happen. In fact, just the opposite will take place as you keep ruminating on it, it will just get larger and larger in your mind. The probability is very low that you'll ever "get over it".

What is the goal of therapy? Are you willing to swallow deceit and fraud? When you say:

It’s not about judging her past—it’s about not having had the chance to make an informed choice.

The truth, imo, is that it is about both. You needed to make a judgement, not about personsl worth, but about common values and core beliefs and, yes, you were robbed of that. The fact that she shows no remorse over deceiving you is extremely telling and alarming.

You have tough choices to make sir. If I may make a recommendation, please read, "No More Mr Nice Guy" in order to help bolster your sense of self worth and determination.

Wisdom and clarity to you.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 9:42 PM, Thursday, May 22nd]

In high school there was a girl, pretty good looking, who was thought to be "easy." Quite a few of my classmates claimed to have gotten with her. Me? No, never got the invitation. But if I’d gotten the chance, I’d have taken it.

Would I have sought a relationship with her? Married her? No.

Why not? Why not?

Girls are taught from early on that their job is to keep lecherous boys out of their pants. Good girls get good husbands; bad girls get bad husbands.

For men that don’t have a high body count: choice, or lack of opportunity, lack of success.

Does promiscuity before marriage signal infidelity after marriage?

Lack of alignment of values? So what. Opposites attract. My wife is Catholic. I’m not. Some would say a serious misalignment. Hasn’t been a problem.

Maybe a disparity in body count creates jealousy, insecurity.

I reserve the right to completely change my mind about this.

And she lied about it!!

Of course she did. She knew her promiscuity would be a dealbreaker for many. And she wanted a good husband (which I think she got).

Her mistake wasn’t lying about it. Her mistake was ever confessing.

And she didn’t get tested, and now she seems cavalier. Both very bad, but both rooted, I suspect, in shame. She might need some help with this.

And if the reason she confessed is because she wanted to initiate a conversation about opening things up, then I retract this entire post. Man, I hope that’s not it.

[This message edited by Formerpeopleperson at 9:57 PM, Thursday, May 22nd]

Wrong forum

[This message edited by 1994 at 1:56 AM, Friday, May 23rd]