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What can the WP focus on in therapy to help with intrusive thoughts and c-ptsd symptoms from an affair?

Short story: Had an overlapping relationship / exit affair which ended after 3/4 months and back with BP. My shame, guilt, regret, grief, anxiety is making me unhealthily codependent on BP and straining attempts at R. For me it feels like life or death for R to work.

I’ve gotten a grasp on my ‘Why’s’ so it’s now trying to stabilise mentally.

Also find a lot of therapists try to ‘coddle’ and chalk it up as a ‘mistake’ rather than being real about the actions and consequences.

[This message edited by NaiveWayward at 3:22 PM, Saturday, July 5th]

I wanted my W to change from cheater to good partner. She used IC and MC to figure out how to make that change.

I can relate, and I had to understand my mindset was actually counterproductive toward my goal of reconciliation. It felt like a catch 22.

People here will tell you to let go of the outcome. I found (and still find) that incredibly difficult. I had to work on acceptance that the outcome might not be what I wanted. It helps you focus on what is best for your BS, instead of just for you, which is what they need if R is even a possibility. To even be able to do this, I had to help myself feel like I would be ok if he chose to leave. I did this with therapy and DBT, by listening to people's stories at S.L.A.A. meetings and reading about S.L.A.A. withdrawal in the basic text, which might help with your codependence.

It is a hard balance--at one point my BS said he felt like I was doing all this work to be healthier in some future relationship instead of for him. I try to do the work to be my best for him while also accepting uncertainty. It's not easy.

As far as what to focus on in therapy, I would ask about the emotional regulation and distress tolerance skills from DBT (there are also good videos on these from Jennifer May on Youtube).