SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Is there anything she CAN do to convince you that whoever said those words was just someone nearby and not another man (as in lover)?

To me it sounds like BOTH of you feel trapped in some unsolvable situation.
Based solely on what you share it sounds like you both are standing in opposite corners of the same room waiting for something to happen, without either of you really doing much to make anything happen and expecting the other to do exactly what you wish and want without either being clear on either.
Then occasionally you both might mutter something like "I could be somewhere else..."

Well... You COULD be somewhere else.
With or without her.

Why are you expecting her to arrange MC if it’s something you want?
Why MC? What do you expect an MC to do?

If you have doubts about the truth, why not ask her to take a poly? Simple question with a pass or fail result, with the failure leading to the foregone conclusion that you both decide this isn’t salvageable, but also with the lead-up time the ideal time to get the real truth out.

The reason the present is unsolvable IMHO is 100% your mutual attitude and stance. It’s not as if you want to reconcile, but more that you don’t want to divorce.
I think that if you truly want a shot at saving this marriage you need to get her on board with something like:

"What we have now isn’t sustainable. We aren’t working together to solve our issues. If you were with OM or some friends, you know aren’t friends of the marriage then I need to know. You are free to be with them if that’s what you want. You can also go for long walks if that’s what you want. But you also need to let me KNOW if you want THIS marriage.
I need to decide if I want this marriage, and frankly I don’t want it if I’m competing with another man. To save this marriage we both need to want to be here. Not enough that one wants it.
We can both be free to get what we want – if we are honest.
If you are willing to commit to me and I to you then that’s a start. We need to find ways to interact, rebuild trust and intimacy. We can get professional help on those aspects. But we can’t continue to try to do this in separate corners"

And then I would be ready with some suggestions on how you two can move on forwards – with or without each other.

If my wife ever said that it was a mistake to have married me in the first place and didn't recant and apologize it would be a deal-breaker for me. She's never going to feel bound by it. It would always be a mistake that she accepts only when it's convenient for her.

A common vulnerability among BSs is that we cling to the idea of who we thought the person we love was in spite of all the evidence otherwise. Ok, my true love cheated but that was because <psychobabble>. She didn't know what she was doing and she would never do anything like that now that I've discovered it and she's aware of her <psychobabble>.

Those of us who don't cut and run and never get the full truth often arrive decision whether to keep fighting or rug sweep and move on. If you choose to move on you have to convince yourself that hyper-vigilance is no longer necessary. Because they learned. Or they promised. Or something.

Under the circumstances a change in behavior like long nature walks alone probably would have merited some investigation. But if you felt any twinges of suspicion you chose to suppress them. Until you heard something you couldn't ignore and it all exploded.

Unfortunately sometimes we feel compelled to confront when further investigation would have been a better course.

If you're going into MC make sure that the counselor believes in full transparency and understands that betrayal is a traumatic experience. Reject anyone who talks about shared responsibility. Understand what your goal is for MC and be realistic about whether it's achievable.

Make sure that your WS understands that full transparency is going to have to be a way of life going forward.

Good luck to you.

[This message edited by Seeking2Forgive at 7:16 AM, Wednesday, September 10th]

Spot on 3yearsout.

That is my motto! Living my best life (but fortunately I have a H who wanted to Reconcile and makes our marriage a priority).

A lot of good advice and sharing here. Thank you all, it’s appreciated and helpful.

A few thoughts. No, there will be no exit affair. I have nothing but my integrity left, I’m not giving that up for any reason.

She still hasn’t scheduled anything with a MC. She no longer brings it up. For me, MC was a last attempt. It was important to see her do something, even as small as making some phone calls, to protect the marriage. She couldn’t even do that.

Yesterday, she came home to eat lunch with me. It was nice, and she suggested we do it again (alternating between her coming home and me driving up to her work which is now just 5 minutes away).

Today she cancelled lunch, as she was too busy and had to drive somewhere else to complete a task.

I woke up last night to her tossing and turning. She was awake but unresponsive to me asking what she was thinking about.

It may just be the PTSD talking, but I’m starting to believe she can’t sleep (this has been going on since the deer video) because she feels guilty lying to her idiot husband that can’t just go ahead and divorce her already.

Today has been a rough one. Can’t focus at work. Can’t stop thinking about my situation and how it feels like she’s preparing for me to divorce her, while saying she tried to stay and work it out.

Also, I don’t think she’s been to IC in a month.

I definitely clinging to hope that someday she will come back to me. It’s an anchor on all my decisions.

Anyone know the winning lottery numbers for this week? Asking for a friend.

I’d like to ask a question.

Besides MC or IC for her/you/both, what else do you think will be needed to calm your anxiety and suspicions about your cheating spouse?

The reason I ask is b/c she may come to you and say "I’m all in" for this marriage.

Then what?

What will you need to start rebuilding a healthy relationship?

And then do you think she’s going to do all that is needed?

That’s a great question.

From a foundational perspective, I need to hear something closely related to this, "I had a midlife crisis. I blamed you for my failures that stem from childhood trauma, and I’m sorry. I love you. It wasn’t a mistake to marry you. It was a mistake to blame you for things that happened to me years before ever meeting you. Yes, you fucked up in a number of significant ways, and you need to work on stuff too. But you didn’t deserve to be cheated on, lied to, and continuously triggered because I was incapable of comforting you."

It would be amazing if she started there. Then to reinforce that, she would need to be more physically affectionate. Doesn’t have to be sex, though that would be great.

She’d need to consistently want to spend time with me and not find reasons to avoid me. It would need to be obvious that she wanted to be near me.

Would I trust her 100% like I did before? No. I think we’re shooting for 95%. Right now my trust level is more like 50%.