Last week my H said to me, ‘would you mind if we had dinner a little earlier please because I keep being late for work’. Usually Bruce would say of course and do as I was asked but Bruce has changed and said……..first of all, you are lucky you still have a wife let alone one that is providing a warm meal before work 9 months post DD. Secondly the reason you are late for work is because you don’t come in to eat on time, your dinner has been on the table the same time every day since forever. Thirdly your father is an entitled, nothing is ever my fault blame everyone else prick, you are also an entitled nothing is ever my fault blame everyone else prick. NO!, not anymore, NO. He came in from work that evening and said he was sorry and he realised that he does tend to blame me or others for things and he’s going to work on that. It’s quite alarming just how much I’ve allowed him to get away with until now.
I’ve spent years bending over backwards for my H, at the expense of my own happiness, I eventually ended up in a place where I do everything, kids, house, cars, phones, bills, insurance , holidays, trips, medical, birthdays schools, everything, absolutely everything is done by me, all to make life less stressful for him, the only thing he did was go to work and bring home the money, at times I was so resentful because I wished I could just go to work and that was it. I used to say to myself one day he’ll realise just how lucky he is, one day he’ll show me the love I deserve. He did. Only it came with bullets.
Last couple of therapy sessions I’ve hated, since we started it’s just been me offloading and being the main priority to our therapist but last couple of sessions she’s started talking to my H about his childhood and honestly I hate it, I feel so bad and uncomfortable, I just want to remove myself from the room, he broke down last week it was awful.
I think I’m struggling to believe that my H loves me, or loves me in the way I love. My love is ‘I would rather die than do anything to hurt this person’ my H obviously doesn’t love like this, this is not his version of love. I think he loves the service I provide, I have to admit, I do provide a pretty good service. I wanted my Version of love though, I don’t understand how you can love someone and commit the despicable acts of betrayal. I wonder if he’s ever really loved me at all over the past 20 plus years since he only woke up 3 years ago and realised what he had.
