SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Your MC is worse than incompetent

.

Incompetent or they know that if they try to hold your WW accountable that will be the end of MC, and the end of your billing. Still, never attribute to malice… no shortage of counselors who have no business dealing with infidelity.

[This message edited by asc1226 at 10:59 PM, Saturday, November 1st]

She's using you, most likely as a live-in nanny and housekeeper. The fact that she turns everything back on you is a telltale sign of an abuser. She's using emotional abuse to keep you stuck.

Have you considered that you might be codependent? A lot of partners of addicts are. It seems to me that you are taking on all the responsibility for the marriage and family. That seems codependent to me.

I understand being afraid of losing the life you have. A big change like that is scary. Sometimes, it has to be done for your health.

I stayed for the kids and to maintain my life. I am the SAHP. After Dday, I also stayed for a bit of revenge. My husband is military. There's a lot of suspicion in the military of spouses staying for the benefits and such. My husband accused me of that shortly after Dday. It was one of his justifications. So, I decided to show him how it would be if I stayed for the money and easy life.

I stopped doing everything except taking care of my kids. I don't cook anymore. I rarely clean or do laundry. I left it all to him. He seemed to be clueless. He's the codependent one, so he just took on everything.

My advice is probably the same as everyone else. Get an attorney. Tell her to leave. Move yourself into another room, or move her into another room. You leaving is tricky when it comes to divorce. It can be seen as abandonment of your kids and your home. Don't engage with her except about business type matters, like bills. No emotional engagement. Cut her off, and file for divorce.

I wish you well.

Thanks Coco. I think I’m not very codependent. I am a dedicated parent and that has led to me taking care of my girls.

I am fairly sure that you are correct that the situation is abusive or at least she is using me. I have found this a difficult situation for people to recognize.

I often ask for outside opinion to avoid making an emotional, rash decision. I have found most of my close friends incapable of recognizing abuse of this sort against me as a man. I have heard so many friends ask "how are you going to win her back?" WTF

Thank you for your thoughtful response.

Riverswithfish:

I know this is the Reconciliation forum so I am going to try to be gentle here... but two years without any intimacy since your WW's affairs? She has shown to you that she has no boundaries or respect for the marital vows, I agree with the poster above that she's most likely still having an affair or random ONS(s.) I equate sex in marriage to like a bathroom in a house-- no one would purchase a house for the sole reason that the house has an incredible master bathroom (i.e. great sex); on the other hand, no one would buy a house that didn't have a bathroom at all. Who could live like that?

Your WW has shown you she isn't going to change, not after two years of you accepting this abuse. Why should she? She has the dutiful spouse that is a great homemaker and parent while she works and travels and is free as a bird to do what she wants while traveling.

(Note the following paragraph- while I am an attorney, I am not licensed in Oregon and I am not your attorney) While Oregon isn't a community property state it is an equitable division state. First off, since you're the primary caretaker for the children you should be awarded primary custody therefore your WW would have to pay child support for at least the next 10 years? (Your youngest is 7/8, right?) Further, Oregon does allow for alimony and adultery can influence certain spousal support and marital division that a judge can award. I think you may have been scared off by your initial consultations with the 2 attorneys because it is common for divorce attorneys to not raise their clients' expectations in the initial consultation-- they want their clients to have low expectations going into the case so anything more and the attorney looks like they've earned their fee. Google local Men's Rights divorce attorney and maybe have a couple more consultations. Also start documenting your WW's drinking.

Next, what are you doing to take care of yourself? Seems you're concentrating on your kids which is great but they are now 11 and 7-- both in school, right? You talk about being willing to pursue your WW, screw that! Make her start to pursue you! Are you exercising? Do you go to the gym? Get yourself into the gym- an actual 24-hour gym, not a set of weights in the garage. Start going to the gym early in the morning so you can be back to wake the kids and get them to school. It might suck if you're not a morning person but you'll change and adapt. Don't tell your WW where you're going, she'll know by how you're dressed. If she asks, just reply "going out" and leave. Hit the weights if you've never worked out before start slowly but stay at it. Alternate chest/shoulders/arms one day and legs and back the other day. Throw in some light cardio and abs ever day (heck, your girls are old enough to walk/run/bike with you in the evening, so take them with you and make it a bonding time) Only take 1 rest day a week. And eat clean- diet is so much more important if you're trying to lose weight (you can't out train your fork.) You'll start to see results in a matter of 3-4 weeks. Now your WW may be so far gone that she doesn't care, if so, then you have your ultimate answer. Get rid of the dad body if you have one, you'll feel so much better about yourself and feel so much more confident. Stay at it and you'll start to notice women doing double takes and giving you the side eye while you're out. And if your WW is with you she'll notice them too.

After a month or so at the gym, text your WW during the week that she needs stay home on Friday because you and some friends from the gym are going "Out." Hell, maybe you even made some new friends at the gym and you really do go out with them on Friday. Maybe you haven't but still go "out" by yourself...turn off your phone locator and head out- bookstore, movie, coffee shop.. anywhere but your house. Get home around midnight, take a shower and go straight to bed. May even look into joining a local CrossFit group, they have lots of outside social events you can take advantage of. Make it a point to always be going "out" most of the time with your kids, sometimes just yourself-- but change your routine!

According to you, she has been getting:

Fashionable clothes, concerts, travel with friends (we used to travel together), beauty regiments, facials, hair appointments that cost a fortune.

You know a lot of those things, men can get as well, right? After a few weeks in the gym, treat yourself to a therapeutic massage (sore muscles need tending too)-- a real massage, not at a cheap happy-ending place. But do make sure it's a female masseuse, God knows you're starving for a female's touch (and an ethical substitute for a RA) and remember her name so you can tell your WW if she asks. And if she does ask, sigh contentedly and talk wistfully about the masseuse's magical hands and then ask your WW if she'd like her phone number.

Get you a new wardrobe and a new haircut. WW starts complaining about all the money being spent? Bring up her past purchases, tell her it's part of the Kept-Husband package that she wanted (and at least you're not asking for a boob job), and tell her you need all this to feel safe and to meet your emotional needs. Yep, start throwing her words back at her-- let her hear out how stupid her words sound.

Ok, is the above advice a bit immature and petty? Maybe, but it sure as hell looks like the money you've been spending on IC and MC has been wasted for the past two years. Start taking care of yourself, Riverswithfish. Your kids are first, then yourself from here on out. It seems you've been trying to fix the unfixable with your WW, end that now. Just become and show indifference to your WW. Even if you can't reach total emotional detachment and indifference because of your feelings, do your best to act like you have in front of your WW.

TAKE ACTION AND DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT!