SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey again,

It's been about a month since D-Day, and it's weird. There are times when I feel like things are almost normal, and then there are moments when the tension is undeniable. I’m not certain I can ever forgive myself, so I struggle to see how BS could. This is a stain that will never wash away. I think the only reason she's considering reconciliation is because of the kids and finances. I'd do anything go back in time. BS deserves better than this. I was supposed to be different. M was never meant to be this much work.

Self-help for the week: I have a psych eval on Wednesday (it's well overdue) and therapy that evening (not sure it’s good fit, but choices are limited) BS also has their first IC session this week.

The things I'm working on: showing more compassion, being open about my feelings, and giving BS space while offering comfort, though honestly, I feel so strange doing that.

The things I'm afraid of: irreparable harm to BS and her future, the same for the kids, the same for me. Not being able to forgive myself. Being a pariah. D. Never being happy with myself.

Thanks for reading,

UN86

I felt that way at a month out as well. I know it can be hard to deal with the shame and regret, and wishing to go back in time and make different decisions. However, these thoughts and feelings, while normal (and hopefully only temporarily overwhelming), are not productive. It sounds like you are doing the right things with going to IC and trying to work on yourself and your M. Try to focus on that.

There are also other posts on here that can help with letting go of the outcome (recovery and reconciliation vs divorce), which can help relieve some of that anxiety and fear you may be feeling (might seem impossible, I know. But it's not.) One thing that I've read that has been helpful is that even if your BS chooses divorce, you should aim to know that you did everything you could to try to assist with her recovery and to repair the marriage. All you can do is give it your all, at this point...

And it doesn't have to negatively affect your children if you and their mum either demonstrate to them how to overcome really hard things in relationships, effective communication, loving behavior, exercising forgiveness, introspection and self-improvement, etc.... Or, worse comes to worst, you do your very best to separate amicably, coparent cohesively, and mitigate the potential turbulence of change in their lives. Listen to their feelings and be there for them no matter what, and make sure they feel extra loved during this time. Make sure that you are not allowing your high emotions to affect the way you treat them, and allow them to have as much control as possible in their day-to-day lives (even if it's just letting them choose what to have for dinner, activities to do on weekends, or what they wear to school), which can help them to feel safer when things are rough or uncertain.

Try to stay positive! We are here for you, and we are rooting for you.

[This message edited by DayByDay96 at 5:26 PM, Monday, October 13th]

It's been about a month since D-Day, and it's weird. There are times when I feel like things are almost normal,

Things are never going to be "normal," again. You have profoundly and permanently altered the nature of your relationship with your wife. I don't say this to scare you, to demean or attack, only to help you let go of an illusion.

I think the only reason she's considering reconciliation is because of the kids and finances.

That might very well be true. That's why I offered R. It doesn't change the fact that you have this opportunity.

Embrace it for all its worth.

I am just over a month from DDay myself and very much identify with your feelings. I agree with unhinged that regardless of why your BS is offering reconciliation that the best path forward is to ensure you maximize that opportunity. I often feel shame and wonder why my BS would want to reconcile, but she is showing up every day making the effort and I am grateful for every minute I have the chance.

You are heard. I have benefited greatly from posting here. Lots of collective wisdom from those who have walked this path. On hard days I lean on the hope that one day my infidelity will not be ever present and I get that hope from others here who are further on the journey. Wishing you the best in these difficult times.

I hope this is allowed, as I'm a BS.

My OH had an affair, and initially I was desperate to reconcile as we had a very young baby that he wanted 50/50 custody of. It's been 6 months since DD, and whilst the dynamics of our relationship have massively shifted due to his actions, we have made positive changes and in some ways it has made us stronger, as well as shattered certain bits.

The only advice I can give which helped myself and OH move forward is honesty. That's the only way trust will rebuild. If she wants to know the truth as to details within the affair (my imagination was far worse than the truth in some ways) then be honest. Make sacrifices to rebuild that trust, my OH has given his nights out up (for now) until I'm in a position where my anxiety is not through the roof.

Reconciliation can be done, but it takes both of you to want to work at it. Get therapy to help with your own emotions and to get a better understanding of why it happened, and how you can move forward with it within yourself.

All the best OP.

BS here. Make the most of the gift she has given you. Thank her regularly for giving you the gift. You are lucky. Regardless of why she is there you now have an opportunity.

Be strong in the storms. There will be storms. And you caused them. Accept that and weather the storms.

This website enabled me to see that A FEW people can change, become the people they said they were, realise their flaws and improve and become a better partner. As a BS it’s great to see. So keep posting here. Even BS find it helpful to read WS posts. Helpful in a different way maybe but I hope the WS may gain something knowing this BS appreciates their posts.

Work out your values. List them. Live by them each day. You betray yourself first. This has helped me too. My spouse criticised me for having a few views that are rigid. He said I was too black and white on some issues. His therapist agreed 😜. His therapist had never met me. But they were both right. I have some views that I say are non negotiable. I now embrace that and it’s part of me. I will no longer see it as a flaw I must change. Instead I have found like minded friends. It’s no longer a fault I see in myself it’s a great thing. I fight for things that really matter to me. If he doesn’t like it, oh well. I’m not changing a core value of mine for anyone.

I wish my husband was brave enough to write here. His hatred for himself and his hopelessness hasn’t helped me feel warmer towards him. I stayed for my children. If you are defensive you need to sort that out. As a BS i can honestly say defensiveness is now ugly to witness. Once I would have done anything to help him. Now I understand it’s his job to fix himself. I observe and I can no longer overlook things I once overlooked.

I hit rock bottom and my priority is me.

She gave you a wonderful gift. Regardless of the reasons embrace it and never throw it back in her face. There are some WS on here who restored my faith in humanity. Just reading their replies helped me.

Your marriage won’t be normal. Your chose for it never to be normal again. You chose blowing up the house rather than fixing the roof tiles. Accept that. And be the husband you said you would be. For you. She may change her mind about your relationship. So be the best you can be for YOU. You have to live with you forever. So start this minute being the person you want to look at each morning in the bathroom mirror. Why would you betray yourself first own values? How does that help future you? Anyone can cheat, it’s easy nowadays. I know I could cheat today if I wanted to, it doesn’t mean i am desirable or attractive. It just means I’m prepared to be a liar. That doesn’t fit with my stated values, so I am faithful. For me. Not my husband. If my behaviour was dependent on him I’d have cheated as soon as I found out. It crossed my mind. I have had opportunity but I didn’t. For me. Not him.

And if your therapist mentions unmet needs run for the hills! Brene Brown has a great ted talk on shame. I watched and then spoke to my kids about shame and helped them recognise shame in themselves and classmates. I am proud that I did this.

I hope you get to a place of contentment. I wish you well op.

Hi Username 1986, why did you title your post "Hopelessness?" Is it because you are hopeless right now, or worried that your situation is hopeless? It's not hopeless. There are many waywards who have taken the opportunity to become better people for themselves and for the people around them.

As everyone knows, it can be a roller coaster of emotions. When I’m down, I really spiral. I end up reading all these stories on IC trying to find one like mine that had a good ending, hoping for some kind of reassurance.

But honestly, it’s hard. I mostly see the negative ones, relationships falling apart, BS stuck with triggers forever, WS living in constant shame. And I just sit there thinking, what kind of life is that (one I created!) ? Because that’s what it feels like sometimes.

The thing is, I know my brain isn’t in the best place. I’ve got PTSD from my childhood and deal with anxiety/depression, so my thoughts can go dark fast. I do know not everything is doomed. I’m really trying to focus on what I can control and how I can stay accountable.

Right now, that means showing up for IC and MC, being honest, answering all her questions, leaning in when she needs to talk. Trying to be supportive in every way I can: doing chores, helping with the kids, not drinking or doing drugs (ever again), being open about my feelings, sharing the parts of my past I used to hide. That’s what I can do. I am going to take this chance at reconciliation like it’s my only chance at life - seriously and wholeheartedly. No half steps!

I’m still figuring out honesty though, like how much is too much? Do I tell her every detail about the act of adultery? My thought is, if she wants to know, I’ll tell her, but I don’t think every graphic detail of the act helps and should be given up without her asking. She knows it was a one-night stand in a bar parking lot, and that alone says enough about what I did - was unfaithful and didn’t respect the sanctity of our marriage.

I even wrote out a full timeline of that night from what I remember, just to be transparent and told her I can go over it with her. But she has refused at this point.

I know I’ll still spiral sometimes. I’ll probably always wake up feeling like I’m a POS. But I’m learning that doesn’t have to define me or hold me back. I’m starting to accept that maybe we won’t make it as a couple but even if we don’t, I’ll still be okay. Life isn’t over. I do not want this one act of infidelity to define me fully. It will define me, but it won’t be the whole definition, hopefully just a footnote one day. So with that in mind, I am going to continue to take this gift of reconciliation and work as hard as hell to become a better man.

Thank you to everyone for your thoughts, suggestions, advice, and stories. I appreciate the support.

[This message edited by Username1986 at 4:28 PM, Friday, October 24th]

My thought is, if she wants to know, I’ll tell her, but I don’t think every graphic detail of the act helps and should be given up without her asking.

I think this is best. If she wants to know something specific, she'll ask. It's difficult to know what we, as BS, want to know. I didn't ask for many details. The basics were more than enough.

Infidelity doesn't define anyone, betrayed or wayward. I was a betrayed husband. My exww was a wayward spouse. That's nowhere near the sum total of either of us.

You’re not driving any more. Your wife is. And you become the punching bag. The details are a very controversial topic. Some want it all some not. They will leave a lasting image for your wife. Things you say will never be forgotten. And some will be things you said in passing. She is struggling to control intrusive thoughts and feelings. She thought you were safe and reliable. She thought you had her best interests and the children’s that you had her back.and the kids. You did not while you were selfishly committing adultery. Now she questions that every minute of the day. That’s her day. Every day. Over and over. That’s not going away overnight. There are no quick fixes. No silver bullets. No magic pills. You now will see a tiny glimpse of what it’s like to not know what your spouse is going to do. Because for a long while your wife won’t have emotional consistency. She’s living in a new reality that she did not want or ask for. And she has a family that she has to protect. From you. So if you have decided to stay. Here’s the game plan. It’s time to man up. Take responsibility. Show true remorse. Show humility. Learn empathy. Don’t act like a victim. Understand your goal. To get to the New World. Then you need to make yourself a safe individual to be married to. To be a father your children can be proud of. Respect is earned. Not given. The earning takes years of consistency. And when it’s all done the event or events become the statue in the unlit corner of the room. People ask What’s that? You say, something I should not have done, paid dearly for and will be a regret I will die with. Who would have thought that screwing around lets you climb Mount Everest. A long journey awaits you. But it is a journey many have taken and some have reached the summit. It won’t only be up to you. You and your wife have to work together to get there. And when she’s exhausted and can’t lift her feet anymore. Your going to have to carry her while being completely exhausted yourself. And eventually maybe three quarters up. She will be able to carry you. Because somewhere way up that mountain. Your going to get it. And that’s when your really going to feel shitty. Really going to understand what you did and what it did to others. And maybe at that point your wife finds forgiveness there. And she carries you for awhile. Waiting for you to become the person she knew at some point you could become. And eventually you both reach that summit. Sitting back looking at the scars on each others faces she looks over at you smiles and says"What the fuck were you thinking? That was a shitshow" You humbly nod in agreement and know deep in your heart that your not doing that again. I am a betrayed husband 11 years out. That in a nutshell is what I saw on our walk up that mountain.