SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Curious how you would handle a situation where your in laws told you to come to a resolution one year after finding out about your spouse’s affair so things can go back to normal for them. We have never been super close, and obviously the affair recovery caused more strain, but my spouse and I are trying to work through it and have still included them in activities with our children through the past year.

I had a sweet elderly lady neighbor tell me, after about a year post-D-Day, that I needed to "put it behind me..." She was such a sweet and sincere woman, that at first I thought she was just more of a saint in her temperament than I ever claimed to be. Later on, I heard some stories about her late husband and now I think perhaps she was just trying to share with me what had worked for her. Perhaps it is the same with your In-Laws?

[This message edited by Superesse at 7:04 PM, Wednesday, November 5th]

I should add it was not said kindly…at all. It was very harsh.

Spit on them.

Well, you could try to explain to them how hard it is to survive infidelity, recover and heal. If they don't listen, or don't care, the next logical, rational, mature, adult thing to do would be to tell them, as politely as possible, to fuck off.

It's not their marriage and if they can't be supportive perhaps time near them should be severely limited.

I would think your WS should take the lead in communicating and defending you and the marriage, as they failed to do in the A. Time to step up and be accountable.

You could just be entirely honest with them.

Id go with a text, somewhere along the lines of:

I am trying to find a resolution to this but at this time am unsure what the resolution is. I'm working on moving forward with them but ultimately this may be too much for me to overcome. This may end our marriage but in the meantime, I want to work towards that not being the case. I can't put a timeline on it, I'm not sure how things are going to go

ChasingSunSets,

Great name. Sorry you are facing this with your in-laws. It is possible they are trying to protect their daughter or in some twisted way blaming you for her affair. No way to know but a strong possibility. If they are attempting to blame you or protect their daughter then that just makes what Trdd said spot on.

I would think your WS should take the lead in communicating and defending you and the marriage, as they failed to do in the A. Time to step up and be accountable.

I think nearly everyone here would agree that there is no, on demand, "getting over it! Without processing it correctly it will not end well if it ends at all. And that typically takes far more than a year. In fact the 1st year mark often is a backwards movement from where one is at year 1. There is no "time stamp" but you are on the right path reaching out to those of us who have been where you are at and understand how dismissive it is to be told: it has been long enough and you need to get over it!

If you wife, or you, have a come-to-jesus moment with them and they keep up the pressure then I suggest you consider following Unhinge’s advice:

the next logical, rational, mature, adult thing to do would be to tell them, as politely as possible, to fuck off.

His way is straight forward and to the point. Might even be a little satisfying. ;)

Of course, you probably would be better served by taking DRSOOLERS’ approach:

I am trying to find a resolution to this but at this time am unsure what the resolution is. I'm working on moving forward with them but ultimately this may be too much for me to overcome. This may end our marriage but in the meantime, I want to work towards that not being the case. I can't put a timeline on it, I'm not sure how things are going to go

Asterisk

Ask them if they would say the same thing if she shot you in the back because this is the emotional equivalent of that and pain does not disappear on demand.

Tell them that if they were better parents then there would be no resolution to come to.

Thank you everyone. Luckily WS has been great about setting boundaries with the in laws. It’s just frustrating that no matter how many times we have tried to explain that this is a long, difficult and very painful process, they just don’t seem to get it.

It's impossible to understand the magnitude of infidelity unless you've been there and done that. So, they'll never get it.

I can very much relate to your situation. My in-laws are completely delusional and blamed me for why their son had an A — it’s mind-numbing, honestly. They never once acknowledged what he did to me, or had the basic human decency to send a simple "thinking of you" message to me or my kids when everything fell apart. That level of indifference and blame during the worst tragedy of my life was enough for me — like you, my relationship with my in-laws wasn’t a close one and after the A explosion I was officially just done with them.

My H has always had my back and told them, that what they did was wrong and even laid out how they could start to make amends if they truly cared about repairing the relationship. But instead of taking accountability, they doubled down, played the victim, and continued to blame-shift. At that point, he (we) realized boundaries were absolutely necessary. He (we) made it clear that access to us (and especially the kids) would depend on mutual respect, not denial or manipulation — let’s just say we’re still waiting.

If I were you and my in-laws had come to me a year later asking for a "resolution" just so things could go back to normal for them, I honestly would’ve struggled not to laugh at the audacity. Healing from betrayal isn’t about making anyone else comfortable. If they genuinely wanted peace or reconnection, that would need to start with empathy and ownership, not pressure to "move on" because it’s convenient for them.

You’re already showing more grace than most by continuing to include them in your children’s lives despite all the hurt. That’s incredibly strong of you. Just remember that boundaries aren’t punishment — they’re protection, and you have every right to enforce them until you see genuine change.

My ex had two mothers, his stepmother and his bio. He was raised by his stepmother, who I loved. His bio, well she was just special. She occasionally opened mouth and inserted foot. Usually, when she gave unsolicited advice, i would just laugh in a patronizing way and then ignore what she said. Once, I think I said something like, "Well that was fucking rude, huh!" Then, I just walked away. I have little energy for stupid shit. And dontbeven get me started on the one SIL that thought she could out petty me!

Thank you guys! Mine also like to play the victim and blame-shift. It’s exhausting but hearing these responses helps me so much to know I’m not alone and setting boundaries is the right thing to do right now.

My situation is quite different in that my in-laws do not know that my partner had an affair.

They are terrible in-laws in that they are all super selfish and only see us when I used to organise everything. My SIL was very toxic to me at times as well.

Since the A I told him that if he wants to do anything with his family then he is to organise it, I just wasn’t doing it anymore. And I have stuck to that bar one lunch I organised for his Mums birthday. When we do all see each other I am still my cheerful happy self but I no longer have the stress of cooking and cleaning etc

And you know what my life is so much calmer and less stressful now. It’s actually highlighted to my wayward how selfish his whole family actually is.

So my recommendation is do the same. Don’t contact them unless your wayward wife has organised it. Don’t put yourself out in anyway. If they still want a relationship then they do the work with her. You don’t have to get over shit for their comfort!!!

A problem I see very often on this site is where parents can’t realize or accept that their role is over – or at least changed. Here your inlaws think they have a say in their son’s marriage. After all – he’s their son and he’s their family... Only... by marrying he’s creating his own family-unit. His parents (as do yours) and other relatives become stakeholders, but not partners in that marriage/family.

I think you should simply ignore them, and moving forwards don’t talk about your marriage and relationship with them. Don’t go there for support, guidance or anything else. Visit with them, go to dinner or have them over... but keep a clear line between them and your marriage.
If they start addressing marital issues – a kind but curt "thanks but please keep out of our marriage" from both of you – preferably their son – is in order.

so things can go back to normal for them

How utterly selfish of them!

If you didn't say "fuck all the way off" you deserve a gold star.

IMHO - your WH should tell HIS parents that this is a private marital matter and if THEY can't deal with the fallout from HIS fuck up as you navigate the trauma HE caused, then THEY should keep THEIR distance.

Personally - I'm not sure how you as a couple and family can heal from such a trauma with a frequent audience. No one likes to heal in a fishbowl.

I heard something similar from my MIL about 3 months post d day. It was at my grandson's birthday party. We were at one of those trampoline parks. Unbeknownst to my wife she brought it up to me out of nowhere. "You need to get over this." Then proceeded to tell me about an emotional affair she had gotten into with a co worker, and her (still) husband, my wife's father, showed up at her work and caught her holding hands with her EAP in the break room. How they "talked it out" and never brought it up again.

A hundred different thoughts and replies, along with a few choice expletives, ran through my mind all at once. None of them came out of my mouth, but I shot her a death look, got up and walked out without a word. My wife came out after a minute while I sat seething in the car in the parking lot, contemplating leaving then coming back for my wife when the party was over. She talked me down and reminded me that our 9 year old grandson has no clue about any of this, loves me, and would be pretty broken up if grandpa just left without explanation. There was also an intense conversation about her sharing our arguments and private conversations with her fucking nib-nosed cheating, rug sweeping mother. She agreed with me that her mother had no business (even if she's the one who made it her business by even talking to her about me still being upset), she was out of line, and that no, of course I wouldn't be "over it" already. I went back in and completely ignored MIL for the rest of the party. My adult son caught wind of it and scolded her for sticking her nose into our business. The fucking nerve.

2 days later I got a pretty sincere and heartfelt apology from MIL in the form of a text. I told her that I accepted it, but to not EVER presume to tell me how I should or shouldn't feel about this situation, and that hers was far different from mine. My wife snuck around in hotel rooms which led to a lot more than holding hands.

What I didn't do was point out to her how her and her husband rug sweeping her little hand holding EA at work was not a good thing, and that I don't think her husband has ever gotten over it or worked through it. He's constantly asking her who she's talking to, wants to check her text messages and goes through her phone regularly, to this day, 30 some years later with them in their 70s now. I did point that out to my wife tho, who had no clue about it until her mother told me, and it explained so much about some of his odd quirks and behaviors with her. I used to think he was just a bit on the controlling side. Now I get it.

I was prepared to never speak to her again, and if that damaged things between my wife and I, I was prepared to deal with that as well. I'll be damned if I was going to be served yet another shit sandwich over this situation. Fortunately my wife had my back on this one, and promised to not drag her mother into our business ever again. Yes, that was another tense conversation between my wife and I. Don't go running your mouth to your mother every damned time we have an argument or disagreement. I was so pissed off. I refused to be pressured into "letting it go," or told how I should deal with it.

If they said it to me harshly like they did you My response would have been a quick .. Well you raised her. Help her figure it out.