SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

TrashPanda7, there are plenty of ways to find their address on the all-knowing and all-powerful internet. I did this 10 years ago, during the internet's "bronze age."

I sent the letter by register mail, which costs a few bucks, because she would have to go to the post office and present her ID to receive the letter. There was no possible way the OM could intercept it.

Fakebook and crapogram are not valid mediums for this type of information.

(yes, I hate social media)

Yea, not saying I agree with the therapist or will follow her full advice, just sharing what was said.

Part of what had been bugging me is wondering if there is contact I don't know about. By telling her, I would effectively eliminate one of the only ways I might get that answer.

I definitely found the address and found a few numbers related to them but I don't know that they are hers. Can you make a letter to where only she can pick it up? We have relatively small towns around here and family picks up each other's packages regularly when they go to town if it couldn't be delivered.

That’s why this way is essential. You know that your wife has no problem lying to you, you’d like to think that she’s changed but you’re not an idiot. Trust, but verify.

Yeah, you can send a Registered Mail with Restricted Delivery. It requires ID and signature. Just throw a letter with your phone number, email and a brief note saying exactly what happened. Include any printouts and other proof that would make any reasonable person believe it. Just ask that she texts or calls so you are 100% that it’s been received. You need that piece of mind so that this entire process can serve its purpose.

As a friend, I would push back on not disclosing asap. Christmas is a great time but it’ll always be poisoned if you let it have that power over you. You’re a decision, driven guy. Doing things that you’d rather not do is an important step in getting your agency over your life back. No holiday is more important than that. It’s not your job to worry about the other family, your wife and her lover sure as shit didn’t take that into consideration.

Related question: My wife's AP's wife DOES know about the A, and I had spoken to her during the days after D-Day 1 and 2. I did not reveal to her the depth of the A, specifically the physical aspects. She eventually was instrumental in discovering texts that had continued a year after she and AP moved out of state. We have not spoken since. AP tried all along to convince his wife that it had all been inappropriate texting. Do I have a responsibility to now let her know it was physical, and the length of time involved? Is there any point?

Yes there is a point. Her husband is still lying and she does not know her reality. Please give her a chance at real agency and give him a chance to truly be confronted and possibly be broken so he become legitimately remorseful.

Please let her know the truth.

Do I have a responsibility to now let her know it was physical, and the length of time involved? Is there any point?

Flip the roles and ask yourself this: would you have far preferred *someone else* make the decision for you whether you ever knew the truth about your marriage?

Dang I hope not…..

Do I have a responsibility to now let her know it was physical, and the length of time involved? Is there any point?

Yes, in addition to the points above there’s a good chance that your WW has not been his only affair partner over the course of their marriage. She needs to get tested for STD’s.

I'm not sure it isn't as much responsibility as it would more be courtesy. Unless the 2 of you made an agreement to inform each other of any new information, I don't believe the responsibility is the same.

That aside, me personally, if I had information that I believe she did not, I would definitely let her know. Unless she made the specific request not to contact her again, I would err on the side of wanting to make sure she had her agency. I might even reach out to her informing that I have what I believe is new information, and if she would or would not want that from me. That way, depending on how far along she is on her journey, I don't necessarily have to turn her world upside down again if she doesn't wish to do so.