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Big LOTR fan here. I really like your metaphor and it does make sense. But I want you to immerse even deeper into the story. Don't forget the wonderful healing power of the elves.

My friend, the wound is tremendous and the more you understand that and acknowledge that to your precious wife, the more likely you will follow after actions that can promote healing.

There is a "magic" much more potent than the elves my friend. There is a God who can do all things. And he came to "Heal the Broken hearted and bind up their wounds".

Seek Him...more than the heros sought Rivendell. 🙏

Also LOTR fan. I think Frodo’s wound, particularly the way in which it was almost a living thing, is an apt metaphor for betrayal injury. I agree with what others have said about it being person dependent as far as how long lasting and intense the wound will be.

Working with trauma is a big part of what I do professionally. It matters whether the betrayed spouse comes to the point of betrayal with a history of similar traumas from childhood or later. I disagree with those who seem to imply it is a lesser wound than combat trauma. Having worked with many veterans, I would say that one aspect of combat trauma you will find is that traumas that are linked to an experience of « injustice » are particularly damaging. The veteran who not only saw a close friend die in front of him but also felt his government failed them in some way is ultimately far worse off. It is much harder to recover when the trauma is linked to a sense of injustice.

Most betrayed spouses feel intensely that sense of the injustice of it all. That is one of many parts of betrayal trauma that makes it hard to let go. I was thinking about just exactly this question you raise this weekend. I was thinking of how common it was to see victims of military PTSD going through life as a completely altered version of themselves decades after their trauma. I was thinking how it has not been very long that we have started to realize how similar the PTSD symptoms we see in betrayed spouses are to victims of other trauma. I think it may be naive to think these betrayed spouses will be returning to any semblance of their former selves. Of course, we would all like to envision a strong, happy, wiser betrayed spouse living their best life decades later. I hope thats how it turns out. For me, a decade out in some ways (although I was only told the truth 3 years ago), I feel that I am beginning to more closely resemble those WWII vets we remember who went back to their families and sat in stony silence, not fully capable of reengaging in life as they formerly knew it.

Edited to add: Maybe this is just a mood holiday week & things will look better soon. It is just that sometime it is hard to let go of that sadness that the past really happened and can’t be changed. And you wonder about how your WH so easily cast you aside at one time. I want to heal that wound but each day I find it there, needing to be tended to. Maybe with time it will improve…

[This message edited by Stillconfused2022 at 2:14 AM, Wednesday, December 10th]

Thank you stillconfused. Your experience is a perspective I am looking for. I use the Frodo analogy as his wounds ultimately could not heal enough for Frodo to find peace without supernatural intervention. This was Tolkien's reflection on the real life trauma/PTSD that he saw and experienced in WW1.

I think I am coming to grips that betrayal trauma will absolutely fundamental change both parties forever. The various experiences I read on SI show a wide range on what that means. Some seem to find enough healing that their lives are changed, but they are living happy lives in reconciled relationships describing a more authentic life and love. Others seem to be struggling to feel enough healing to have even a semblance of a safe relationship.

As much as I would like to hold on to the idea of the former, the variables (nature of the betrayal, post discovery actions, work done by both to try and heal, recurrences, nature of the relationship outside of the infidelity, etc) combined with the individuals themselves leads me to believe that the outcomes are too individualized to draw any conclusions about our attempt to reconcile and what that will look like in the future. I do take courage from those who are seemingly very successful and will do everything I possibly can to help my wife and I heal. I need to focus on the process and let go of trying to control the outcome.

[This message edited by feelingverylow at 12:00 PM, Wednesday, December 10th]

I hope the wounds are not too deep...I refuse to believe that my husband's betrayal will define my life like that and I refuse to believe my husband's life should be defined by his worse moments.

Welcome back Evio and agree with your comment. I think my marriage is forever changed by my infidelity, but it will not define us. Feels very fresh and raw right now, but I firmly believe that with time this will become a much smaller part of a very long story. My therapist wanted to focus on some of the positives over the past few months and I also believe our marriage will be much stronger going forward as I can be fully emotionally attached now that I am not harboring secrets and shame.

Hope you are doing well.