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That doesn’t work for texts sent with imessages, though, does it? Since it sends over wifi?

Hi darkdusty I just wanted to send hugs im kind of going through similar with WH still in contact with OW.

I hope you are ok .

[This message edited by Kittycatkitty at 6:42 AM, Thursday, December 18th]

darkdustythoughts,

That doesn’t work for texts sent with imessages, though, does it? Since it sends over wifi?

That's right. And a number can be blocked, but can easily be unblocked when you leave the house and reblocked before you get home, and if they are imessages, they won't show up on text logs through phone company website.

Basically Apple has built a failsafe infidelity hiding system with the imessage feature.

*hard lessons learned...*

Brutal

If it would help you, the Life360 app with all the features turned on would track everything that phone does. She’s have to get a second hidden phone at that point.

She has location sharing enabled with both me and my mother, her phone and laptop are attached to my FindMy account, there's an AirTag in her wallet and a second one somewhere in the mess of her car, and I can see the GPS data from her car through its key app. Certainly she could get around that if she wanted to, but turning anything off would be suspicious and there is a high probability of her forgetting at least one of those things. We put them in place over the years for safety and convenience, without any protest from her. The problem is, she has hotel accomodations whenever she travels for work, so even if I can see that she is at the hotel, it's where she's supposed to be. I just can't be certain she's there alone. She is getting better about letting me know where she is going ahead of time, though, and she usually spends a lot of time calling and texting me after work. It doesn't prove anything, but it does make me feel better.

[This message edited by darkdustythoughts at 6:53 PM, Thursday, December 18th]

I used Dr Phone and dumped her ipad into a large text file. Then whipped through that piecing together what was going on. We changed her phone number after Dday. I also could dump and check her phone and look for remnants of the text messages. Did that for about 6 months after DDay. To this day I have access but I never look at it. I have her facebook password. But regardless if she really wanted to she could get around that.

Will look into that. Thanks.

KittyCatKitty, Flo is a period tracking app. Obviously no cause for alarm.

Is this the future you want?

I am 100% on the page that you simply let your wife know that her affair and the reluctance to block OM has completely 100% blown your ability to trust her. It’s not that you don’t want to trust her, but you simply can’t.
In some ways it’s like a fear of getting shocked when working with electronics. Like if you were adding outlets to your house and you only had basic DIY skills you should have a reasonable and logical fear of the wires you are dealing with. Even if your partner tells you they took the power off at the mains, it takes some time before handling exposed wires with comfort. Heck... professional electricians would probably do regular checks and still try to avoid exposed wires.

It’s the same with you. Even if the affair is over – because your wife/assistant says so/took the mains out – you are fearful. Even if the affair IS over /mains really out.

What is needed is some time before you have tested and verified the wires, socket after socket, are not live. The time that is needed, business trip after business trip, clean e-mails, accountability... before you get some trust-but-verify level trust for her.

This isn’t what you want. But it is the best you can offer after her affair.

So... I would simply let her know of your fear and your need for assurance. The fear when she is traveling, the fear when she is at work, at home... the constant fear. You recognize its not sustainable for the relationship but as-is then you can’t control it. Let her know that she can help you establish trust through accountability. If she can offer that then with time your will have less reason to distrust – and thereby build up trust.

Make it also VERY clear that each and every time there is a relapse – as in her responding to contact, searching for OM online, not letting you know of attempted contact... it erodes your will and belief that there is anything to save, and you don’t know if you have it in you to once again go through a d-day.

Make it also very clear to her that she CAN have OM or any other man she wants. You aren’t going to hold her back. But to do so she needs to let you know that this need or desire surpasses her need to be married to you. You would much more want to go through an amicable divorce now or in the next six months, rather than have to go through the pain of discovering a relapse in infidelity.

Btw- the comparison to the outlets? That’s because I’m changing some myself as an overconfident DIY. I test and verify each wire before starting on an outlet, and again if I walk away for more than a couple of minutes. Trust but verify...

I know it’s going to take some time for the fear to dissipate. Sometimes I wish I could fast forward some, though! WW has been pretty patient with the process so far. I hope that patience continues.

She was in a very unhappy mood for the past couple days, and it was making me uneasy. There are a lot of other stressors for her right now, but I worried there was something else going on. I brought up to her most of what you said, Bigger, and she said she understands completely. She assured me that she hasn’t said a word to Ap since she told him off 6 months ago, that she thinks very poorly of him and wants absolutely nothing to do with him, and that’s why she blocked him. She told me she thought he would have taken the hint after getting read receipts and no response, but apparently he is too thick for that. She agreed to let me know immediately if he tried reaching her through any other means.

[This message edited by darkdustythoughts at 5:17 PM, Saturday, December 20th]

Thanks I had a look and found out what it was so edited my comment but thank you

I really can sympathise with how you are feeling its like a constant state of hypervigalence.

The bottom line is that a person who is determined to cheat will find a way.

I thought my wife was pretty innocent and not of the mindset to carry on an affair for months but she did. For someone who forgets something within minutes she had no problem remembering to delete her sexting history just before she left work everyday. And it never showed up on our cell phone records, because as I learned, iPhone to iPhone texting does not get routed through your cellular carrier so there's no footprint. I got lucky that I followed my gut and checked her tablet which was synced to her phone while she was at work

ETA: You can enable a setting that forces all texting to go through your cellular carrier

There are so many messaging apps out there today that have secrecy built into them that it is now incredibly easy to conceal an affair

And another fun fact that I learned while doing an obsessive amount of research trying to figure out the "why" is that given the right set of circumstances damn near anyone will cheat

[This message edited by WB1340 at 4:21 PM, Monday, December 22nd]

You can enable a setting that forces all texting to go through your cellular carrier

I can suggest that to her and see how she responds, but as you said, there are so many other ways they could communicate if they want to, that there probably isn’t a point in enabling that setting.

I think that at some point, if we want to move forward with reconciliation, I have to believe the lack of evidence pointing to the affair being over. I won’t entirely dismiss warning signs of something being off again, but I will do my best not to allow my fear of being hurt again to color the flags redder than they are. My WW is definitely not mentally well, so there are many, many flags, but I know that she is trying to be better for me.

And another fun fact that I learned while doing an obsessive amount of research trying to figure out the "why" is that given the right set of circumstances damn near anyone will cheat

What sources did you come across during your research that lead you to this conclusion? I would love to believe that isn’t true, but I said to my wife after discovery of her cheating that I could never do what she did to someone I love. She simply reminded me that I cheated on my ex wife, which would make me a mad hatter, I guess. The idea that anyone could cheat is still a very hard and unsettling concept to swallow.