SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

GET RID OF THAT THERAPIST....ASAP!!!!

Based on what you said they are communicating to you, they have absolutely no clue and will do you terrible damage if you continue to see them.

[This message edited by WoodThrush2 at 4:30 PM, Sunday, December 21st]

The good news is she seemingly went no contact right away. If true and she is not talking at work then that shows there was no significant dopamine fog happening. Also good news she did not hesitate on a poly when asked. You may have caught this before anything progressed. Not many at SI believe that can happen lol, but of course it does happen sometimes.

The raised eyebrow news, imo. She said "we just talked about work" but she 1) still deleted the texts 2) sent photos of herself and 3) sent a no contact message with I decided to work on my marriage. Those three things do not add up to we just talked about work. Plus add in the look on her face when you dropped POS name to her. Something more was going on. It might not have been physical yet, maybe but surely it was flirting at a minimum, complaining about you too perhaps. I mean, why do those three things if the texts were innocent and about work??

And she said he reached out to me, I didn't look for something. Ok, why did she respond? Why did she send photos? She has some degree of poor boundaries. The book Not Just Friends will be a good resource for you two. It will help her see how she has porous boundaries.

Questions:

Has she confessed what they were actually texting about? Have her timeline detail the answers to those 3 points I mentioned.

Have you tried text recovery on her phone?

Have you looked at the phone records for number of texts between them?

Is the guy married? (How do you know about the domestic violence charge?)

Does she work in a hospital? I ask because the culture at quite a few hospitals is one of flirting, hookups and infidelity. Not all hospitals but something about the setting, hours, pressure etc seems to promote that environment.

I read not just friends and gave it to her to read but am not sure she is and no she is 1 of only 2 nurses at a refinery on site. I tried the text recovery she had deleted all of that as well as far as the charge on him I paid for a site to look up the phone number she called the night we had an argument and in hindsight wish I’d have waited to confront her about it either way she had already cleared all evidence. The guy isn’t married but in a relationship with a woman who he has been with for 10 years according to her because I reached out to her and told her what was going on hoping for more information but got none. He told her my wife sent him one picture of her radio and what she was listening to in the car and I know that’s a lie as she said she sent a selfie because I did see that in her phone I found out October 9 so that’s how long this has been going on. She said she would write out a timeline of what she did and said with him but we will see. As far as the therapist goes I know she won’t stop talking to her.

I went through a similar situation with my wife. There were red flags and I blindly ignored them because I blindly trusted my wife

It never dawned on me that the reason my wife was taking time every evening to carefully lay out her clothing for work the next day and spending about an hour in the bathroom getting ready, making sure the hair the nails the the makeup was perfect, was to impress a co-worker, a married coworker. She told me it just made her feel put together going through this routine and I thought nothing of it

But it was her response to me seeing a picture of her in a dress on her phone that I had not seen before that told my gut something was not right and it turned out she was sexting (AFAIK) with the school police officer who was 9 years younger than her and 13 years younger than me and in 30 seconds everything I thought I knew to be honest true safe Etc just vanished

When I confronted her she did the typical BS that WS's do. First came dismissal, she said it's just harmless flirting, no big deal, you are overreacting yet when I asked what would our friends and family think of this? Would they think I'm overreacting? And her curt response was no

Then she switched to DARVO. She said and what secrets do YOU have that I don't know about to which I replied none, you know everything about me

Since that didn't work she switched to anger. She came up with a list of BS excuses trying to make me feel like I was the bad guy and I caused her to do this

The entire hour-long conversation I was a train wreck and she just sat there with her arms folded, shooting daggers at me with her eyes, not an ounce of sympathy so I was convinced this guy was her Exit Plan and I just happened to stumble into it

The next day when she came home from work I said I need time to think and I can't do that bumping into you and I will not spend all weekend staring at the ground. I cannot make you leave but I need you to leave, there's a suitcase upstairs so please leave and that's when reality smacked her in the face. She packed the bag and left.

The next day I sent her a scathing text message that was brutal and raw and my intention was to make her feel like a horrible human being. I told her to not reach out to me that I would reach out to her if and when I wanted to and later that day I said meet me tomorrow at 3:00 p.m. at this public place to discuss our next steps and I went there with the intention of telling her I am filing for divorce if she gave me an attitude or tried dismissing what I discovered but in two days she realized she had destroyed a 27-year relationship and that our kids were possibly going to split their time between parents and everyone would find out why

When we met she was a train wreck begging for forgiveness and I foolishly demanded MC because I didn't know any better and that was a huge mistake

I will admit it took me several months before I felt like my head was clear and my feet were back on Solid Ground. At one point early on my wife said there's no sense in placing blame, we are both at fault for this to which I replied I am not to blame for any of this. You are 100% at fault. You made the decision to have an affair, not me. She replied so you don't think all those years you didn't talk to me, you are not partially to blame for this and I said no. Yes I did do that but realized it was wrong so I asked you to go to marriage counseling with me so we could learn to communicate better and your response was an adamant NO!, I am not going and when I asked why you said because it could bring up other problems in our relationship. So I found a therapist that helped me realize what I was doing wrong, how to communicate better, but when I tried to talk to you you would put up a wall, fold your arms, shut down the conversation, so no, I am not partially to blame for this

You know what you have found and what your wife has told you and as others have said I am willing to bet anything you don't know everything because there's no reason for her to give you any more information than what you have. WS's don't tell everything because they are afraid they will give too much information and that will cause the BS to leave. Schedule an appointment with a polygrapher and tell your wife. How she responds will tell you whether or not she's being honest. Her agreeing to take the test could be false bravado just to make you think her timeline is honest but when you tell her the appointment's been scheduled and there's no going back that will convince her you are serious

Your wife has to believe that you are willing to end the marriage over this otherwise she retains all of the power in this situation. But you have to be willing to follow through if need be

Tell her you want her to find a new job. If she says okay that's a good sign but if she says no or she tries to dissuade you from this request that tells me this job (and being around her AP) is more important than your relationship. A truly remorseful WS will do anything and everything to save a relationship.

The therapist who is telling you to just move on should lose his or her license. It takes an incredibly long time to process through an affair. It takes years to rebuild Trust but only a moment to destroy it.

An affair permanently changes a relationship. It can never go back to the way it was because now you know things about your wife that you never thought possible. Were you to ask any of our family or friends if they thought my wife could do something like this and every single person would say hell no, but she did it, and I will never blindly trust her again

You said you read the book not just friends and then gave it to your wife to read but you don't think she will. That's a bad sign. Like I said earlier, a truly remorseful spouse will do anything to help heal the damage he or she has caused and until she can admit to you that she is 100% to blame, that the affair is 100% her fault, that she truly understands the damage she has caused to you and your relationship, reconciliation will not work

It's a very long difficult road to try and repair a relationship after an affair and please do not be in a hurry to do so. Focus on you and what you want, what you need, in order to feel safe and to feel loved and to feel respected and she can either help with this in whatever ways you need or she is free to leave

As usual I have rattled on way too long. This place is an amazing resource for knowledge and support and all of us are here to help you however we can.

[This message edited by WB1340 at 8:09 PM, Sunday, December 21st]

WH,

It sounds like her phone is an iPhone based on saying she used FaceID.

Did you check recently deleted messages in the messaging app on the phone.

If she's not technically savvy, she may not realize that messages end up there for 30 days after deletion.

Google recently deleted messages and images iPhone and youll see what im saying, its very easy to check.

I wouldn't tell her thats what you plan to look at, or she may go in and clear it out.

Also in the photos app, check the recently deleted pictures. Same thing applies. 30 days. It won't give you back to October, but you may see some activity in the last 30 days.

If you find anything. Take pictures with your phone so you have evidence when confronting her.

[This message edited by TheBetrayedHusband at 8:23 PM, Sunday, December 21st]

When I first found out I asked her to leave and she won’t apparently I can’t force her to she says if she leaves I will use abandonment against her for the kids as I don’t feel I should leave either the house was built in my name in my credit on my pay as she was part time and the big one I was always faithful

She deleted that as well

Were she to move out and sign a lease on an apartment or a house then yes, your attorney could argue abandonment. My brother almost made that mistake when he found out that his wife was cheating. Thankfully a cousin worked for an attorney who explained this

She doesn't have to leave nor do you have to engage her for any reason unless it pertains to the kids, the house, bills, Etc. Beyond that, ignore her. If she tries to engage you in conversation, walk away. Tell her unless you have something pertinent that does not involve our marriage I have no desire to talk to you

As long as she knows you have no intention of ending the marriage she retains the power. Luckily for you she is gainfully employed because were she not you would probably end up paying alimony, child support, and possibly being ordered to maintain the house even though you don't get to live there. Do not let her become unemployed. I know you cannot force her to work but if she floats the idea shoot it down adamantly

But this doesn't mean that you have to be friendly to her. This doesn't mean that you have to hug her or kiss her or listen to her, unless it has something to do with the kids

Until she is willing to commit 100% to reconciliation or you are willing to sweep it under the rug, which never works out in the long run, the two of you may become roommates who co-parent. Not a fun thought

I think we all can agree with the assumption that she deleted everything because she said things she doesn't want you to read and/ or she exchanged pictures. If it was work related banter she would have no reason to hide it

Tell her you found a company that specializes in recovering deleted data and you want to send her phone to them. If everything she exchanged was harmless she should have no problem with this but I'm assuming her response will be no

She deleted that as well

These actions on their own tell a whole story WH.

Between wearing thongs to work and focusing on her appearance, deleting messages and making sure they were removed from recently deleted, getting defensive about it, projecting it on to you, admitting she sent pics to him (trickle truth), etc.

Just deleting the messages and removing from recently deleted shows her intent. To hide this from you.

I went through the exact same situation with my wife early on. I wanted to believe her, but deep down I knew I couldn't. I kept digging and found the truth and it was nothing like she was describing initially. They will only admit to what they know you already know.

All her actions say she isnt telling you the truth. I truly wish that wasnt the case for your sake, but it is.

I also have a feeling she is manipulating you. I could be wrong here, but thats the sense I get.

Stay strong, this process is rough, but youll get through it.

[This message edited by TheBetrayedHusband at 9:34 PM, Sunday, December 21st]

As long as you keep playing according to her playbook and acting as an amateur PI, youll never heal frim this and be able to move on.

I know everyone has to move through infidelity according to their own pace, but its difficult to hear of people desperately clinging to the last vestiges of what they thought they had but no longer exists (maybe never did).

Listen, let me paint a picture. You go limited contact with her while you prepare for the divorce filing. Stop talking about anything but that which concerns your kids. Stop sleuthing. You have all you need and you probably live in a no fault state anyway. Get yourself into individusl therapy for support while you work through the separation and divorce process.

When separated and then divorced, you no longer have to see her or hear her voice every day. Your healing starts immediately. Triggers are reduced. No more exhausting digging for the truth that she is clearly hiding. You can focus on yourself and your kids. Get involved in activities that you've enjoyed in the past. Make new friends. Date quality women (they do exist, I can attest to that). You move on and get your mo jo back.

OR

You can keep trying to establishing a basis of truth with someone who has already destroyed any foundation of trust and who shows no signs of true remorse. Having to work through trigger after trigger seeing her face, hearing her voice, wondering about every call/text she receives, every time she walks out the door. Going through the grueling process of attempted reconciliation which is generally understood to last for years. Years of trying to re-establish that which you thought had been established when you exchanged vows. Many times these attempts fail for many reasons, most because the WS was not all in while the BS was desperately trying to "save the marriage", a.k.a., a false reconciliation.

Having walked that road, its strange really. I look back on that exhausted and desperate version of myself trying to reconcile with the unreconcilable and I can see that I had made that misery the status quo. I allowed myself to become so beaten down that I made that state my normal (comfort of the familiar, even when the familiar was toxic....until I couldnt do it anymore). When I got to the other side, I was shocked at how good I could feel. How great it was to not secretly dread the day. To get my strength back and ultimately find a high quality woman to build a new life with. These have been the best years of my life.

Just wanted to remind you. You are not trapped.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 5:33 PM, Monday, December 22nd]

If children dropped dead every time cheating spouses swore on their children's lives, the human population of Earth would be decimated.

Here's some advice:

-Schedule the polygraph. If she didn't do anything and she's genuinely enthusiastic about proving she did nothing, then it will bring you a lot of relief. But I suspect that, in the days leading up to it, she's going to change her tune and start telling you how they're not admitted in court, they're not reliable, and you're being an abusive, controlling husband by making her do it. Mark my words.

-Stop couple's counseling. The point of marriage counseling is to fix what's broken in the marriage... but you don't have a marriage problem. You have a lying, cheating wife problem. There's no point in talking things out with your wife in a therapist's office and being vulnerable with her when she is actively manipulating and lying to you.

-She has to find a new job... immediately. If she's serious about working things out with you and has ended her relationship with OM, this will be a perfectly reasonable request. The text message she sent him means nothing, and he was smart enough not to respond to it. It's easy for her to tell him that she wants to work on her marriage, but then, when she gets to work, tell him that you made her send that message and they just need to lay low for a while.

-Do not stop going to the gym and working on your own health and fitness. You need to fortify your mind and your body for whatever comes. Demonstrate through action-- not words-- that you value yourself and that she is no prize. You will have options if this marriage ends. Show her that you will not succumb to her bullying, and you will not allow her to project her misdeeds upon you by accusing you of cheating.

And last but not least...

-Don't allow yourself to become obsessed with sleuthing and "catching" her. You don't have to prove first degree murder in a court of law. I think you know enough already to determine that she was (and probably is) screwing someone else. Remember your two boys... they need your emotional energy and your attention. I didn't have children with my ex, but I've seen many great parents-- both in real life and SI-- become consumed by their spouse's affair, not realizing that they're neglecting their kids in the process. Cheating spouses have a way of stealing all the oxygen in a home... leaving everyone else gasping for breath.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 2:51 PM, Monday, December 22nd]

I want to believe that as there is no way she would swear on our children’s lives I would hope if she did and could do that I never truly knew her.

Gotta chime in on this. My exwife did the same shit, swore on our children’s lives while lying to my face. It’s evil. Oaths are meaningless coming from oath breakers.

And to the second half of your statement, you are being self prophetic. You probably aren’t ready to hear it yet, but most likely it is true that you don’t actually know her. These abysmal behaviors you are seeing right now are not anomalies, they are coming from a part of her that she has kept hidden from you all this time. As hard as it is to accept, and it will take time and pain, you will have to integrate this into your understanding of her. And unless she also sees it, hates it, and changes, she will never be a safe partner.

Remember your two boys... they need your emotional energy and your attention. I didn't have children with my ex, but I've seen many great parents-- both in real life and SI-- become consumed by their spouse's affair, not realizing that they're neglecting their kids in the process. Cheating spouses have a way of stealing all the oxygen in a home... leaving everyone else gasping for breath.

Sage advice. I spent almost two years futilely trying to reconcile with a manipulative WW. It destroyed my spirit for that time, and my four children basically had to fend for themselves. I can never get that back, and damage was done to them. You have to walk your own path, but there are hazards everywhere now, terrible tradeoffs either way, whether you choose to stay or go. I strongly recommend posting, there is much to be gained here.

I am still scheduling the polygraph and it might be a deal breaker and that would confirm what everyone is telling me. I really believe that she is being honest with me that I caught it early enough and is done with this person as she didn’t know any of what I found out from the domestic violence to the being in a relationship for 10 years. I did message the woman he is with and she hoped to get info but didn’t but he didn’t have any social media other than LinkedIn and he is no longer on that. I’m not doing anymore digging and we both have individual therapist we are talking to. We do still have good days together and have kept most of this from our kids they don’t know what’s going on our son who is almost 12 has an idea things are off but our daughter who just turned 10 doesn’t have a clue. Idk maybe it’s me holding on to something that doesn’t exist anymore but we have always been so close until this last year and I like to think we could get back to it.

We see houses burn to the ground. Dramatic, painful, need rebuilding or some people just move away to heal from the experience. But there are also many house fires that are caught early, maybe in the kitchen, and are extinguished in time. A close call, largely averted.

Most people here had a full on house fire in their marriage. A few only had the stove top fire. So most people here look for infidelity and see evidence of it even when there are only red flags present and no clear hard evidence of more. It's the nature of the site and the people here. You may have caught this early. It's possible for sure. But even a small stove top fire requires clean up, fixing, analysis and future prevention steps worked on. So keep working at it and discussing it here for support.

I will say that contrary to what I just wrote, it is amazing the number of people who have come to SI and only seen red flags at first, thought that there was just some food residue burning in the oven, when in fact it turns out that there was a full on house fire in the bedroom. That pattern has happened often here. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

Very sorry Friend. It sounds like she has the power here when push comes to shove. In other words if I understand you correctly, she said a polygraph is a deal breaker, therefore you minimize and say you think she is telling truth and recount how you have lots of good aspect. Am I hearing you right?

Wake up and stand up for yourself!!!

You deserve a real authentic marriage with accountability and transparency and true connection!!!! Not a pretend surface one

Seriously, don't you want your kids growing up in reality? It would be better to have two separate parents, one of which lives in reality, than two together who live a surface fantasy. Just my opinion.

No she agreed to it just saying if she backs out last minute

Idk maybe it’s me holding on to something that doesn’t exist anymore but we have always been so close until this last year and I like to think we could get back to it.

I understand this vein of thought only too well.

In the meantime, while you continue to process, please consider reading two titles to help innoculate you against any possible future victimization mindset, bolster your sense of inner strength, personal worth and self determination:

• No More Mr Nice Guy

• The Way Of The Superior Man

There is a third but I am not supposed to post it here.

I suspect that you are a good guy. Sadly, good guys (and good women) get rolled by their marital traitors many times (I did for quite a while, but never again).

Know your worth sir. Know it and believe it.

Strength to you.

Ok, thanks for clarification!!! Just stay in control...you are the one setting boundaries. She needs to make amends to you, not the other way around (regarding her affair).