SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Not sure if you wonderful SI people have read many of my posts but if you have you may know I chose to stay in my marriage after infidelity for two reasons:

1. I did not want to lose any time with my son ie go 50/50 with my WH.
2. I am the bread winner, I make a lot more money than my WH. I am close to owning my house. The thought of having to give him half of everything and still pay maintenance gives me the shits.

I thought these reasons plus the fact I don’t hate my WH was enough to at least give it a good crack at R.

My question is, how many others have stayed for reasons of rational rather than love and how long was it before you either found love with your W again or finally left.

I’m not saying every day is bad, and I admit we have had some great times since his A but sometimes pretending to be a happy married couple is exhausting and lonely.

I need to explain a little back story first. When I was in high school and 17 years old, I fell in love for the first time. A few months after we started dating, she slept with one of my best friends. I didn't know what to feel or think. I was incredibly hurt, of course, but also kind of numb. I chalked it all up to us being dumbass teenagers and kept dating her for the next year. I forgave them both, knowing that we'd all go our separate ways soon enough.

I swore to myself that I would never, ever tolerate that shit again. Ever! Infidelity is a deal-breaker, pure and simple.

Decades later, when I discovered my exww's infidelity, my very first thought was just that; deal-breaker, end of fucking story. Within two months I was on the verge of a divorce.

But I couldn't do it. Our son was barely 4 years ago. Her betrayal was heartbreaking enough. Blowing up my son's world and all the added heart break that would follow was more than I could bear.

So, I came here, to SI, to find out if reconciliation was really possible and, if so, how to go about it. Two years later I felt as if we had reconciled and the future would unfold accordingly.

Five years later, I finally realized that I would never love her the way she wanted me to. Infidelity is a deal-breaker. I felt as if I was betraying myself and no matter what I did that deeply held tenet was just too strong.

Some of those years were good(ish). I was content, but not happy. I couldn't find peace with myself and that's no way to live.

Give it some time, Webbit. What's most important, I believe, is living an authentic life. That cannot be pretended.

My question is, how many others have stayed for reasons of rational rather than love and how long was it before you either found love with your W again or finally left. I’m not saying every day is bad, and I admit we have had some great times since his A but sometimes pretending to be a happy married couple is exhausting and lonely.

Me. I stayed on the advice of the first divorce lawyer I saw who said I was in a uniquely perilous situation for the law to be of any help to me, since if Divorce settlement terms didn't agree with him, he had family down your way that would be more than happy if he ditched this whole marriage and came back home. The lawyer said "We've seen this happen, and there is no extradition agreement between the two countries for such financial matters. You could end up declaring abandonment, but then how would you pay your gigantic mortgages if he skipped the country? (We had refinanced my house the year prior to D-Day 1 to get down payment money for a farm and were hock deep in both loans, at that stage.)

So IHS it was and that went on for 12 years until D-Day 2, by which time the farm had been paid off. I had a lawyer draw up a Marital Agreement dividing our real estate and bank accounts just as if we were to legally divorce. And we executed deed transfers so he got my old house and I got the farm which was free of debt by then. He sold that house six years later and netted about what he had invested in the farm property, so he isn't unhappy as I am about staying here "pretending" we still have a life together (!) and all the neighbors assume we are an old married couople. Never did make it to R, but holidays are always the most difficult. We do many things together, travel for example, but not as a real couple and I don't see that changing.

You can always give yourself a timeframe for how long you can stand to do this and then re-evaluate. But from my story you can see this situation potentially can drag on through the rest of your life. The key for me is to ask "Would I be better off alone?" At my age - mid-70's - that seems foolhardy. Wish I had a better story to share.

UNHINGED pretty much nailed what, I think, a lot of men will feel/do.

No matter what, cheating permanently changes the relationship - trust is never restored 100%. The BS has to endure the wondering if WS is really doing what they say (when apart) or ?

It's a trade off - Stay and endure. Or, trot and start over. Luck of the draw - maybe get another drudge person. Or, maybe the one that is all you ever wanted.

Crap-shoot

Just my observation - staying because of $$ considerations is a loser position. Guys face the same - SAHM and yet she (the WS) gets 1/2 of all of everything. So be it. It's the way the show works and how the gamble plays out when you "crap-out"

Remove the $$$ part of your decision making process. Put your happiness first. That works.

"But my kids - " from a "kid" the grew up in a cheating family - you ARE DAMAGING your kids by staying in an unhappy environment.

Just Bail.

Kids are a lot tougher than adults think - I always wonder if "adulthood" bestows upon those reaching some kind of loss of memory.

Practical side- Been checked for the usual array of creepy-crawlies?

Whatever your choice - it is going to entail some sadness. How much and how long - you choose.

[This message edited by Hippo16 at 1:05 AM, Wednesday, December 24th]

My best friend’s dad cheated while she was young. Her mother stayed in the marriage to avoid hurting her and her then young brother. She witnessed how unhappy her mother was and lost trust in men and has never had a boyfriend (and she is not gay). Her brother seems less affected by his dad’s A and is married with a happy family. Kids would be hurt either way.

I think I need to clarify- I know my son will be fine. It’s me that won’t.

I had to share the custody of my first son 50/50 with his Dad and feel I missed out on so much of his life. (He is going to turn 18 soon) I just can’t stand to think about doing it again.

And my son doesn’t see me unhappy, I wouldn’t let that happen.

TBH it’s not that I’m completely unhappy. I love my job, my house, my family, my friends and persue a lot of interests. And like I said I don’t hate my husband but I know I don’t feel the same about him or my marriage anymore and therefore feel like I’m pretending!

I’m hopeful love will return but as I’ve been told many times - time and patience. Just a shame I am quite an impatient person 🤦🏽‍♀️

[This message edited by Webbit at 2:27 AM, Wednesday, December 24th]

My question is, how many others have stayed for reasons of rational rather than love and how long was it before you either found love with your W again or finally left.

I’m not saying every day is bad, and I admit we have had some great times since his A but sometimes pretending to be a happy married couple is exhausting and lonely.

My situation is unique and ongoing. My wife’s affairs (yes, multiple) were 20-40 years ago. I found out in June of 2022 (although I had suspicions in real-time and even caught her in an EA in 1986). We started working on R and it was very hit or miss (mostly miss). My wife several times wanted to just "throw it all up in the air" and move on. That wouldn’t work for me. I wanted to use this as an opportunity to build the intimate relationship we never truly had. I wanted to "become one". That was proving to be too difficult for her.

We had been empty nesters for 17 years on D-Day. Long ago put our kids through school and living in our dream house. I had to consider how "good" or at least "content" the past 17 years had been. I had already been retired for a year at that point and we are set financially. In fact, WAY more better off than my wife knew then or even knows now. Not because I keep it from her, she really has zero interest in financial matters and her involvement is pretty much "can she buy what she wants, when she wants".

We had made a plan for pursuing R and how we would pursue the next few years on 2/16/23. I felt good about the plan. This might work. The next day she had a series of seizures and after a long day of tests, was diagnosed with a brian tumor. All our plans went out the window. Surgery, radiation and chemo consumed the next 18 months. There were intermittent attempts at continuing doing the R work. Around the same time she finished chemo, she just stopped doing any work towards R. Stopped IC, everything. She essentially "threw it all in the air and moved on". At that point, I could either divorce her or try to "get to content". Money came into play. I didn’t want to hand over half my net worth to a cheater. I would still be more than fine with half but it became a point of principle for me. Also, the fact of the matter is she isn’t likely to live more than a couple of more years. A divorce likely would kill her will to live. My kids and grandkids likely hate me, relationships destroyed. Wha’s a couple of more years eating the shit sandwich, right?

My saving grace is that there will be an end to this fairly soon. It’s sad and tragic but I feel I did all I could for it not to be this way. We are still civil. No one outside of our walls (not even our kids) know about the affairs. I would also say I’m not pretending to be a happy married couple. I do what I want, when I want. I have lots of friends and a second home in my hometown that I visit frequently (which also gets me away from the constant presence of betrayal). I consider myself "content" or at the very least, "accepting" of my situation. My kids know me as a bit of a grump. They can just chalk that up as "grumpy old fart syndrome" for a couple of more years.

If my wife’s health wasn’t a consideration and all other things were the same, I would just bite the bullet and divorce. At the end of the day, I think Unhinged hit the nail on the head with being "content but not happy". Ultimately, that’s the question. How long can you live with being content but not (fully) happy?