Well, Wednesday finally came round and I had my first session with the new IC. It was great, although we only got as far into the timeline as when I first arrived at this site (just after the restaurant argument which put the first cracks into my "dam of denial"...)
I've never done therapy before. It was just soothing to sit face to face with a human who was really listening to my troubles. With most of my friends being mutual with WW, I hadn't really talked to anyone IRL about it (the one friend I spoke to had sort of treated it as "gossip", been flattered that I had entrusted him with my secrets, but didn't really try to put himself in my shoes at all).
That was by no means the highlight of my week, though.
The day before, I had finally managed to get WW (currently abroad) to set down a full written timeline for OM2. She had previously given it to me verbally, which was when I found out about some additional times she had kissed and touched him, after which WW had had to agree at least in principle that she had allowed a false impression to stand.
She had been really resistant to sending me the written timeline, on the basis that I would keep agonising over it if I could keep revisiting it. I told her I kept revisiting it anyway but in a nebulous way which was much more exhausting. In the end I told her that I would just have to write it down from memory anyway, and she relented and sent it to me.
It contained new information. Nothing super novel, just another kiss, although this time with OM1 also involved, which has actually soured me to him quite a lot.
Maybe it was that extra aspect, or maybe it was the fact of new information where she had previously sworn everything had already been told, or maybe it was because I worked out something new: on one of the times, she told me she had kissed him twice and I realised that I had joined then at the pub in between those kisses, and she never breathed a word of any of it on the way home with me.
But she told me that she now understood that these were not separate incidents, that they were part of an affair, that she would no longer be trying to minimise anything, and that she felt terrible.
She's back in six days, just before my next IC session. I'm looking forward to seeing her again. I don't think she's quite aware of how much work we have ahead of us, but I think she finally admits that we need to confront it head on. She's even talked about getting her own IC, which I think would be great if she could be honest enough with herself to make it worthwhile. But I think now I can help her to get to that point. I hope so. She seems contrite now, but I've seen her resolve fade before.
Thank you all. You have been so helpful in getting me to this point. I re-read this whole thread yesterday and watched myself flailing about trying to avoid admitting the obvious. When the penny finally dropped that I had been vacillating between denial and bargaining trying to avoid anger, that was the beginning of my recovery. It's really hard for me to express the negative emotions in front of her because when she cries I just want to comfort her. I've never really had to show her tough love before. I think I am reaching the point where I can describe my disappointment matter-of-factly. She needs to hear the damage she has done. She needs to understand that there's no going back to the way things were, even if we can find a way to put this behind us. You all helped me understand this when I was still colluding with her in minimising it. Thank you.
