SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The advice on having a private investigator having a look at those phones is a good suggestion. It would cost a little but if there’s anything left, they’d find it. If you want to pursue doing it on your own, a software package called "dr. Fone" works pretty well and really isn’t hard to use.

Regarding the polygraph, I think if I were in your shoes, I would ask her again if her timeline is everything. And that if it is, that you will at least give R a shot. I would also tell her that if you have to find out there is more, and that she’s still lying via the polygraph, that you see no way forward with someone who cares more about lying and hiding than the pain you are experiencing.
If you go that route, you can’t backtrack though. So be certain.

Regarding the polygraph, I think if I were in your shoes, I would ask her again if her timeline is everything. And that if it is, that you will at least give R a shot.

I would certainly hope & pray OP would demand more than simply a written timeline as all the prerequisite he needs to start R. Having confidence in full disclosure, via the polygraph affirming the written document is 100% truthful & comprehensive, must be a mandatory condition to consider R, but my goodness, OP would be exceedingly ill-advised as this being the only condition. She’s still defending AP, demanding him to rug-sweep, and outright disrespecting him still.

OP, please don’t use the timeline as the only criteria for R !!!

MD - I haven't read all the responses here and I'm probably going to repeat a lot of things you've already heard. I'm sorry for that, maybe it will give weight to some suggestions, possibly I have something different to day but let me tell you, I wish I could you a big bear hug for all the pain you're going through. You sound like a good guy and much better than she deserves.

Your wife, I hate to say it, but she sounds like a pretty garden variety cheater to me. I would not be surprised if this was not the first time. You probably have already thought this. I would. She seems,even from your description, like someone who likes the attention and fawning she gets, maybe she's insecure, maybe it's narcissism, maybe she's restless with her life, maybe it's something else, but this is not a one time thing - I don't mean the affair, I mean her attitude and need for this kind of "admiration" or attention, whatever one calls it. It doesn't seem to be a sexual need as he is unattractive as you say - THAT IS OFTEN THE CASE!!!! You would be surprised. At some level, it's any port in a storm. There's a whole thread on this site about how they affair down. And they often do, because a lot of it is about being praised, feeling special, feeling desired, wanting something new...etc. These, to me, are personality defects, not just behavior to a specific event. Yes, this guy should be fired IMMEDIATELY but it's not necessarily easy (as a former manager I know) you have to go through a process and it can be a lengthy and detailed one. It might also be that the management structure there is also sleazy so this might not be that big a thing to them, but it CAN be hard to fire or even discipline someone unless you have multiple complaints. I think you may have to get your items in a different way - is there anyone else who can purchase these items over there? She's caused you and the family business a lot of problems with this - potential financial problems and loss of business in a hard economic time and THIS SHOULD BE EMPHASIZED TO HER. There are CONSEQUENCES to this behavior, not just with your marriage, but with your financial life and security. This can't just be shoved under a RUG. which is what she's trying to do.

What she's done is typical. It's called love bombing to try to reassure you this meant nothing, just go back to sleep and forget about it. When that does't work it goes to rug sweeping, and then anger when you insist on knowing what the hell happened and setting boundaries. You're requiring her to be accountable and she just wants to rug sweep and pretend it didn't happen.

You can't do this. Obviously. This has severe emotional implications in ANY relationship...and it potentially has severe financial implication as well. This is not like denting the car. This is crashing the marriage. It's serious. To me, my main feeling about cheating, esp in a long term relationship - which took ME by great surprise when my husband did it - was....I never saw this coming, I never thought he could be "that kind of person". I saw a whole side of him I'd never seen before. That was the most disturbing thing because I wondered....well, what else was there? What else could he do? WHat could he do in the future? You realize that you don't really know the person you thought you knew best in the world. I always prided myself on my judgment in people. You can imagine where that went. So....bottom line....you don't really know your wife anymore. To the extent you need polygraph tests and to recover messages. And you are NOT overreacting....you don't know your wife anymore. And she's not helping you to get to re-know her or learn about this side of her and how to handle it - if you want to.

It is HER responsibility to help you to feel secure, comfortable and trusting of her again by revealing everything about her that you don't know. Making you feel like she is a safe person again, that you can trust and whose behavior you can predict, including in a BUSINESS. She sounds very immature.

I think you're proceeding in the right way with the poly - which she might pass too, people do, even liars. I would pursue getting the recovered messages if you can. Even if it costs quite a bit....you need to know who you are married to and what she is really like....now....and what she is capable of. If you can't re-establish that base line and she's not helping you, how can you marriage continue and certainly improve? She needs to work with you to re-establish your sense of who and what she is and what she is capable of.

Also....this young man was not a predator. He was an opportunist as many young men are. Your wife may have actively been flirting with him, you don't know. She was as much a participant in this as he was. If a young man kept coming on to me like that and I was not interested, I'd ignore him, let him know, tell him I'd tell my husband, or tell the store manager, or not go back there or something like that or a combination. I wouldn't keep going and let this happen. When I've had men come on to me or I could feel the potential, even now because I'm not unattractive even at my age....I try to defuse it or not be involved or cut out the conversation, etc. I don't let it continue. She is AS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS AS HE IS. More, I think because she is the older person and she is married and she is doing this in front of her children. Obviously none of his is acceptable. Don't let her play the victim with you, nor assume she is one. She isn't. She's a participant.

I think she has to start realizing the damage she has done to you personally, to your marriage, to your business situation, possibly to your children as they wonder what the hell happened, and that SHE HAS TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THIS AND TRY TO MAKE IT RIGHT. SHE has to do this! This is HER responsibility to change and correct and show you she's not going to do this again...or if she has some kind of issue or problem that is ongoing and like to recur....SHE NEEDS TO FIX IT. You can't. You can't fix someone else.

This is not YOUR fault....If she hasn't already....she might start blaming YOU because that's a typical part of this behavior and DO NOT ACCEPT ANY OF THAT. This is HER FAULT. It's not your fault, and it's not the clerk's fault, frankly. It's HER fault. She needs to come clean and she needs to change and she needs to reassure you and let you know clearly and accurately who she is and what she will be.

I'm sure people here have had many suggestions for you and hopefully resources you can use. I would continue with the poly and do try to get those messages if you can. I'd talk to an Iphone expert if you can or maybe a PI. I know it's money but....it's your future and your kids' future too, I think it's worth it. You have to KNOW what you're dealing with or doubt will wreck everything anyway. Doubt doesn't just go away, you need real information, corroboration and confidence.

Good luck!!!

Back on here to respond to the issue about a crime. Please understand I feel very much as if the guy should pay but truthfully the groc org sound blasé about it. At the end of the day hounding him will not change the past. Your wife cheated on you. That should be your focus. Your future depends to issues between you and your wife. To hell with that guy.

Gr8ful,

If you take in my whole paragraph, I’m not advocating he pursue R based on her just telling him the timeline is accurate, that’s silly. Cheaters lie, and they lie even more when caught.

I was saying that he could tell her that if the timeline is truthful, and the polygraph shows no deception that he would try to work on the marriage with her, but that if the poly showed she was still bullshiting him that he was gone.

It’s a statement to make to the WS encouraged to make a parking lot confession.

[This message edited by OhItsYou at 6:08 PM, Friday, April 24th]

Cooley,

Yes, you are absolutely right about the betrayal being an issue between man and wife, but the driver for getting the AP removed from the store is contained in this extract from a post by the OP:

I really don’t know what to do now. I feel abandoned by her. I feel a deep need to press forward, because some justice should be done here. But also, because we can’t shop at our local store (we are rural, and the next closest location is 90 minutes’ drive away, not feasible) now we can’t get a lot of the products that we need, including the foods and produce to which my children have become accustomed all through their young lives, because I WILL NOT allow them to go back to that store while that guy is still employed there.

My children have been asking my wife questions as to why we can’t shop there anymore, and she keeps making up fake excuses like "we’re short on time", etc., but I don’t know how long they’re gonna keep believing that.

Not only that, but we need the products they sell for so many items from our menu in our shop. It’s going to have a huge negative affect on our business if we have to shop at other stores instead of this one, because this one has the best products, best availability, and best prices by far compared to all the others. We will have no choice but to jack up our prices in our shop, which is going to piss off a lot of our customers.

Basically, having this guy still working at the store harms everyone.

The only solution I can see is to press forward and try to have this guy removed from his job, that way my family can utilize the store again, and that way hopefully he will think twice before he propositions another married woman, and creates more destruction in a family, the way that he did with ours.

In infidelity terms this may be a sideshow, but it has a big impact on MD78's family's daily life. That is why getting the AP out is important, and why suggestions have been made to try and provide as much leverage as possible for MD78 to get the guy booted out. Personally, I hate the fact that the store has such a 'don't give a sh*t' attitude about the behaviour of its staff, but opinions count for nothing.

We all want what is best for MD78, and we manifest it in different ways. And that is the strength of this forum, which sets it apart from so many others where simple, cookie-cutter 'solutions' are posted. In SI, ideas and suggestions are debated and stress-tested, which doesn't happen in a lot of other forums. It is great that a few other infidelity forums refer people to SI, which speaks volumes for the quality of peoples' contributions.

[This message edited by M1965 at 1:00 AM, Saturday, April 25th]

I don’t want to hijack this but it feels like concentration on a pos like the grocery guy is a way to give a barrier between the bs and the fact of the cheating by his wife. If this is what he needs to get through this hell I support it 100%. I just don’t want that nematode to take up so much head space that the behavior of his wife gets buried a little. BUT all of us deal however we can. I certainly did. I get the prize for rug sweeping.

Back to the groc guy. Imagine living inside that head for the rest of your life.

Totally get your perspective, and appreciate it. The AP is not the main focus. He is almost a generic 'could have been anybody' cypher. Which in itself is something the WW in this situation needs to explore. Why was some random nobody worth betraying an 18-year marriage for? The answer lies in the wayward wife's insecurities, and possible desperation for validation from any source.

MD -

Sorry you are here. I don't have much to add, but I did want to support your gut reaction to your WW. You noted she gave you a timeline with 16 pages and some very uncomfortable details. In my mind this raises some suspicion. I have found in a number of circumstances, (including a lying wife) where someone is trying to conceal something, one way they will do so is by giving a great deal of attention to something else. Typically they give attention to something which is less problematic in the situation. Like a car sales man who spends an inordinate amount of time and attention discussing an insignificant dent while directing your attention away from a weak transmission. My impression when reading your account of your wife's timeline and response to the prospect of a polygraph was deep concern about this sort of possibility. If she gives you a great deal of detail about the EA, you will be less likely to follow through with your suspicions about a PA. The tactic works based on the unspoken implication that, "if I told you this much and there were more to it, I would have told you about that too." This tactic is not to be trusted. Hopefully if you recognize the tactic, you will be less venerable to it.

You seem concerned, but still aiming at reconciliation. I think you are right to be concerned - very concerned. I would encourage you to put plans and commitments to future outcomes on hold. Wait until you have a satisfactory resolution to your issues about truth and trust. Remain focused on getting the truth and following through with the poly. I look forward to hearing the results. I hope you find them satisfying, but under the circumstances, I hope you are mentally prepared for the full range of possibilities.

MD 78, sorry you find yourself here. Some random thoughts…

First, just based on pure statistics, you are probably going to get divorced. The majority of marriages going through what yours is right now end either immediately or eventually.

If you stay married, it will probably be a dead marriage or one full of suffering. You will be dragging the affair along with you for the duration.

For successful reconciliation is absolutely possible, this place is full of examples, but it is a risky bet. It is a high risk venture, both parties absolutely have to be committed, and things have to go right. It is a beautiful thing when it happens, but it usually doesn’t.

Given the odds, now is the time to lawyer up. To find out all of the details and all of the intricacies of the path that you will probably end up on based on statistics.

Seeing a lawyer also gives you knowledge and knowledge is power, and power is control. Your wife has been in control mostly up until this point. Even confessing to you was an act of control, as she decided where and when and what to tell you. She is now going through that phase where she is seeing that control slipped from her grasp, and she’s responding as they usually do. She’s on that yo-yo trip.

The way she retains any sort of control is through your trust of her. Even now you ask her questions and even though you doubt her answers, you don’t 100% doubt her answers. It is that measure of trust that allows her to try to control the situation.

You and her both falsely believe that it is somehow on you to prove that she is lying, and that things were worse than what she is telling you. Flip that on its head. Instead of you trying to prove that she did do it, put the burden of proof on her to prove that she didn’t do it.

The most incredibly powerful thing you can tell her over and over again right now is, "I don’t believe you". Try it out. When she says that they only kissed just look at her and tell her you don’t believe her. When she says she will do anything to avoid seeing him again, tell her you don’t believe her. When she tells you that she wants chicken for dinner, tell her you don’t believe her.

That last one is actually the most important one, by the way, because it sinks home the idea that you don’t know who she is. It is a message sent to both her and you. You don’t know who this woman is standing in front of you, and now you need to watch. Forget everything you ever knew about her and see her as she is standing right in front of you. Drop everything that you thought you knew about her.

She will feel naked, and you will probably be disgusted by what you see.

Sending strength!

Musical Dad, you are a freakin' hero.

In my situation I thought I was protecting my mental health by not demanding to know who the AP was, then ten years later I found out it was the realtor. If I had known I could have and should have filed a formal complaint (instead of paying a 3.5% commission or whatever) and I have spent the next ten years wishing it wasn't too late to seek formal justice.

Don't listen to the people telling you to just get over it. You reclaim your sovereignty through action, instead of being reactive. The future you will thank yourself instead of always wondering if there was something you should have done.

one more thing. Is it possible that she is so against this course of action because she volunteered her number after all?

The following is a mixed bag imo:

I stopped by our business later that day, and asked her to come out and talk to me, and when she sat in the vehicle with me, we spoke, and I let her know about the case and the district manager’s dismissive handling, and how upset I am about it.

I was hoping she would say something like "wow, I’m so sorry they’re not doing the right thing, what can I do to help, yes, we should absolutely get the text message records recovered, etc.."

Instead, she got angry, scowled at me, and quickly exited the vehicle, saying "I gotta go back to work".

That night she came home and was super frustrated with me, saying that she thinks it’s a huge mistake for me to have lodged this complaint with the corporate office.

She’s worried that people in the community will find out about her affair, and that word will get out, and that people in the community will avoid our business because of the shame associated with the affair. She also accused me of trying to do harm to her partner in an unhealthy way, instead of moving forward and trying to forget about everything with him, and instead building a new level of trust between the two of us.

Heres the harsh truth about this naked narcissistic self-preservation from her, she is not on your side. She is not on the side of the marriage. She is not acting in good faith as your life partner and is yet again defending herself. Shes not reaching out to you. Shes striking out at you for bringing her cesspool of a not-so-secret lifestyle into the light of day. She has reverted to her truest self. This is who she is. Please believe her. One of the hardest lessons a faithful-yet-betrayed spouse has to learn is to accept that their treasonous marital counterpart is exactly who they are revealing themself to be and that they are a million miles from true remorse (if you have not done so already, go over to the Wayward Side forum and read the posts of veteran waywards and their path to true remorse). She is screaming the truth at you that this is who she is and that the probability is high that she will remain so, her 16 page betrayal manifesto notwithstanding.

Heres the good news. If you accept it, you have clarity. Clarity is a precious thing when the storms of betrayal are raging. Like it or not, clarity is what we need in the aftermath of marital betrayal but it can be brutally hard to accept as it means letting go of an old perception/understanding of the other person and their committment (or lack thereof) to you. You have clarity now if you are willing to accept it.

In the meantime, I would suggest that you go to the healing library, thoroughly read up on the 180 and enact it in toto (I wish to God I had back in the day but I just kept bloodying my forehead in fruitless efforts to reconcile with the irreconcilble, all because I could not accept the clarity of her true self revelation....dont be me).

I wish you well.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 4:29 PM, Sunday, April 26th]

Good afternoon everyone, this Sunday, I find myself sitting at the outdoor patio of a Starbucks in the town nearest to my rural home, which is about 50 minutes’ drive away from here, out into the countryside.

I have been staying in a hotel since Friday, due to an extremely hurtful conversation with my WW, in which she revealed more about her true underlying position, causing me more hurtful emotional destruction on top of that which I am already dealing following D-day, about three weeks ago on 2026.03.30.

After my WW’s display of selfishness and more emotional betrayal this past Monday, she has ‘yo-yoed’ back-and-forth throughout the week, sometimes apologizing to me tearfully for her selfishness, conveying understanding for my choice to pursue my data privacy violation complaint against her AP, but then at other times, inexplicably ‘turning on a dime’ and vociferously disagreeing with me that my course of action is the wrong choice, alleging that I’m going to ‘ruin our business’, and ruin our family’s future for our children, if her AP decides to retaliate if he eventually gets fired from his job over this situation.

It’s been utter madness, living with this emotional storm and trying to hold down my professional employment, which is extremely demanding, technical, and sensitive in nature. It’s very difficult to focus appropriately at work with all of this going on, and my productivity has suffered. I have had no choice but to try to push through all of it and keep going so I can keep supporting my family.

I wanted to provide you all another incremental update because your input has been so essential to my emotional and spiritual survival these past couple of weeks since I began posting at your site. THANK YOU all so so much. I honestly do not know where I would be today if I didn’t have the clear-eyed, levelheaded input and analysis shared by so many of you—incredibly rational intelligent interpretations of the deeper meanings of what may be really going on here. You don’t know what it means to me that you all take the time to contribute valuable perspectives. As always, please feel free to submit any recommendations, if you feel moved to do so.

Now, for my update:

After the huge letdown on Monday (my WW’s total lack of support for my policy complaint, and anger at me over my choice to file it) there was more trouble.

Towards the middle of the week, my WW expressed to me that she wanted to bring up some "new" memories about the affair that she remembered. And the thing that she brought up, stung me to my very soul.

She mentioned a conversation between her and the AP which she had not included in her 16-page recounting of the affair. She mentioned to me that at an early point in the A, her AP claimed he had been "confused" when he got our business phone number off of the tax exempt sales slip, because he thought she was was providing a phone number to him on purpose, and therefore she felt he wasn’t really being unethical by suggestively texting our business line because it was all simply a "misunderstanding".

I responded that this line of justification feels like a total fabrication and an excuse, to claim ignorance as a way to protect him. I made the obvious point that this young man has worked as a cashier at that store for years, and probably has engaged in upwards of 50 or 100 tax exempt business receipt processes every day, in which he has to complete and collect this kind of documentation over and over. He absolutely understands what the tax exempt business receipt process is, it’s a big part of his job, and trying to represent his illicit action to access and text our number as some kind of a "misunderstanding", is nothing more than appeal to protect him, or make it seem as though he’s innocent. He damn well knows what that the tax exempt business process is, he damn well knew exactly what he was doing, just as well as he damn well knew there was a wedding ring on her finger, and he damn well knew we have two daughters in our marriage.

Receiving my unequivocal reply, my WW reversed course and acknowledged that I was probably correct and that whatever the AP might’ve said to try to excuse himself, this was probably a smoke screen that he threw up to try to make it look as though his texting our business was somehow innocent, or based on a "misunderstanding".

But even though my WW said these words, I could sense from her that something was still not at peace with her heart about this subject, mostly I sensed she still wanted to object and try to defend him.

Unfortunately, my suspicions were acutely confirmed later in the week, as follows:

On Friday afternoon, I was working in our family business doing my remote computer job as I tend to do in the afternoons, even though I was still feeling very upset about my wife’s lack of support, selfishness, and refusal to support me in my process for the policy complaint with the grocery store, earlier in the week.

Chiefly, I wanted to be present at our family business because my daughters were also there and I wanted to be with them. We homeschool them, and they usually complete their final daily academic studies in the afternoon at our shop, usually sitting alongside me as I do my computer work. This allows me to answer academic questions that come up from them, and to assist them with challenging concepts in math, reading comprehension, etc. that may come up for them as they go about their work, when I’m between meetings, etc. It’s a good weekly scheduling model that has worked well for my family. I wanted to be there for them, and I also to be able to eat some of the food that we serve in our business for lunch, etc.

My WW and our staff were as usual managing the shop and the customers. But I noticed that my WW seemed frustrated and short-tempered in her dealings with the staff, and in a few comments she made to me and the children throughout the afternoon.

After the close of business that evening, my children had gone to the park with some of their friends and WW and I were alone in the shop. WW was finishing up some last-minute preparations for the next business day. I approached her and said, is everything all right? I couldn’t help but notice that you seem frustrated today. She confessed to me that she was indeed feeling angry, and it was in regards to some old arguments from years ago in our marriage. She stated that thinking about those arguments today was making her feel mad at me.

I expressed to her that it is hurtful that she is bringing up any old arguments, not only because they are rather low-stakes matters from our past (IMHO none of these were about anything momentous), but because of what we have just been through with her affair, those old disagreements should have no bearing on our healing process going forward, and we need to be focusing right now on her effort to making amends for all of the deception and disrespect in which she engaged, and her helping me to find security and safety, and find a way to heal from the damage that she caused.

But unfortunately WW continued on her tirade, again, again bringing up that she is angry with me about the policy complaint, worried about our business reputation in the community, etc.

I again responded that my pursuing justice in this matter is paramount to my beginning to authentically heal. I again expressed that I feel it was so wrong that that young man accessed our private customer data to send inappropriate sexual text messages to our business phone. Again expressed that it is not right for him to remain in that job after what he’s done to us, and the hardships that it poses to our family and our business, that he continues to enjoy his employment there after acting so unethically and probably illegally. I also expressed that it really feels to me like my WW’s continuing to object to my process here feels like a way for her to try to protect her AP, and it is making me feel that she still has feelings for him!

At this point my wife made a comment that caused me to snap, pack up my things, and immediately go ahead to the hotel.

She angrily stated "ok sure, it wasn’t right of him to use our store info to start texting here, but I don’t think he deserves to have you ruin his life with this complaint."

At this point, I snapped and somewhat raised my voice, and said I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do with this, everything you are doing is to protect him, why are you are worried about me ruining HIS life? What about OUR family? What about ME? What about OUR lives? You and him have ruined OUR LIVES!

WW gave no reply to this, but continued looking angry and engaging in her chores.

I went back to my work area and immediately packed up my computer and other possessions and headed straight for the hotel.

These past couple of days as I’ve been alone in my room, I have practiced Classical Guitar, something I have done for the past 30 years, and I enjoy it and it brings me peace.

In the quiet moments alone, I have realized that my WW does not care about me or our family, she only cares about protecting her image, our businesses, image, and sadly, her AP.

I have maintained a close eye on my WW’s location when she has had to go to town to verify she does not visit his store, and my daughters have been with her on each of these trips since the affair, so I feel reasonably secure she has not attempted to meet with him alone in town. Further, I have randomly checked her phone for texts, emails, and phone calls, and found each time that her phone is clean. I have also gone into her laptop and checked emails, social media, and browsing history, and found that it has been clean each time. While I am reasonably sure they have not been in contact, at the same time, I can’t really know what other secretive means they may have, but one thing seems clear to me, she still at least has some tenderness and affection for him, and wants to protect him from my righteous indignation. This just feels more than I can bear.

I have to return to our family home tonight because I cannot continue paying the high hotel bills, and also because the Internet there is rather spotty and I need a strong connection to be able to do my remote work to engage in video calls, etc. So I will have to go back to our family home tonight.

I plan to mostly keep myself separate from my WW in our home as much as possible over these next few days, so I can focus on doing the best work possible for my employer, taking care of my daughters, and trying to take care of myself.

This coming Thursday, April 30, is the polygraph exam for my WW. At this point, up until the polygraph examination is completed, everything relating to R is basically on hold for me.

I do plan to come back here to give a full report to everyone on the results of the examination and would love your input at that time.

I have tried to steele myself to remain as ready as possible to receive the worst news possible. I have already basically assumed what I’m about to find out. Yet, still, I know it will sting anyway.
But I think I will be OK, I certainly won’t harm myself or others, or anything like that, I’m just getting myself ready for another emotional shock, so that I can better deal with it, if it should manifest.

Once again, if you’ve made it this far, I greatly appreciate your patience. Again, I hope you will excuse my longwindedness and compositional structural clumsiness, I’m doing the best I can in my state, though admittedly, my writing skills are less cohesive than usual right now. I wouldn’t wish this kind of pain on my worst enemy.

Ps… some of you have asked, so I wanted to provide clarification - Yes - I have been in my own independent counseling for three weeks now. I found a really good counselor with a lot of experience with infidelity issues, she’s been in practice for about 20 years. I wanted to let you all know that her comments have often been along the lines of many of the opinions that all of you have expressed here. She has been a good confidant and supporter, and has encouraged me to work on protecting myself and my children first. She has also provided some really good interpretations that help "read between the lines" when it comes to understanding some of my WW’s audacious behavior and commentary, which has been very helpful for me to use in reframing the confusing and contradictory messages WW has been sending out.

You have been heard! Good luck this week. Your IC sounds excellent and do continue with the therapist. Always value yourself. Your WW is grappling with her own shame and guilt. Pretty common for a WS to desperately look for any reason to blame someone else, anything else, for their betrayal. It takes real humility to accept that you acted horribly in betraying your BH, and accept responsibility. I have no idea if she has feelings for her AP. But she desperately wants to blameshift. Of course, it had to be that time in 2013 when you raised your voice to her in an argument and hurt her feelings. That’s it! That’s the reason she cheated. You see how desperate she is, and she needs to accept responsibility without blameshifting or defensiveness.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:46 PM, Sunday, April 26th]

She mentioned to me that at an early point in the A, her AP claimed he had been "confused" when he got our business phone number off of the tax exempt sales slip, because he thought she was was providing a phone number to him on purpose, and therefore she felt he wasn’t really being unethical by suggestively texting our business line because it was all simply a "misunderstanding".

This is a lie. This conversation never happened.

Your WW is still in damage control mode and is desperately trying to protect herself from exposure. Maybe she does care about the kid, in some manner, but protecting him is nowhere near as important as protecting herself. That's why she fears possible retaliation on his part. If he gets fired, he might take revenge by telling people about the affair. She desperately wants to prevent that, at any cost.

Your feelings are taking a back seat to this intense fear. It's not necessarily because she doesn't care about you, but that the fear and shame are overwhelming.

This is also, I'd imagine, the source of her anger with you. By pursuing this complaint, you're now a threat to her already fragile self-worth.

I've been following your story and have been pondering what I might do in your shoes regarding shopping at that store. I can picture myself walking into that store, gathering what items I require, and deliberately going to his register for check-out, saying: "Ring me up, you little shit. Do your fucking job. If you say one word, if I see the slightest smirk on your face, I will come back here, every day, and make your life a living fucking hell."

IOW, own that place. Take back control of your life. Rise above that little douche canoe and walk out with your head held high.

Easier said than done, of course. But damn... wouldn't that feel great?

Beware of legal abandonment. If you are out of the marital home, not with the children, that can be a problem. Strongly encourage you to talk to a lawyer about this, if not other matters.