SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have permission to go on my husband of 20+ years’ phone. Found some flirty texts with a girl who gave him her number at a restaurant. She also texted him a sexy pic. Also found an email
He sent inquiring to an escort for a business trip he was going to be going on. I couldn’t find evidence that anything came of it, and he swears up and down he never went through with anything. I keep telling myself is possible that’s true, that I caught him in the first attempts. I never thought this would be my life. But I also keep trying to tell myself if nothing "happened" it’s not the big deal I’m making it. He’s not the calculating, secretive type, so this shocked me. Both of these situations, especially the sexy texts, he claims he doesn’t remember the details (it was about 6months ago). I want so bad to believe him but am on the struggle bus.

I'm so sorry you are in this position.

I notice this is your first post so I assume you are new here. You are about to receive some amazing replies to this post with some excellent advice from others who have been in your shoes, and your husband's.

If this is happening in real time and you have just found out, please listen to their advice and take it immediately. I did not have their perspective and advice, and caused another 3 years of pain and relapses due to my initial response to my wife's affair. Read up on the 180 strategy that's pinned.

I will say this, though. DO NOT trust what he is saying right now. You guys may have a great marriage, both want to reconcile, and I pray you recover and build a new and better marriage. BUT, your husband is in damage control. He may love you with all his heart and mean it when he says he doesn't want to lose you. But right now he will lie as much as he has to in order to cover this up.

[This message edited by Carpenter81 at 6:32 PM, Wednesday, April 22nd]

Is called gaslighting.

Doesn’t remember any details right? But he can swear and explain to you in every detail how he totally never followed through.

Is just because the compromising details are so slippery and totally not because he is a cheater and a liar. Is you imagining things and making a big deal out of nothing.

Gaslighting.

We all been through it, don’t worry cheaters always lie and shift their blame on us.

It’s basically the strongest evidence he is a cheater, seriously is so predictable is not even funny anymore.

He was entertaining sexual / emotional connection with another woman and hiding it from you.
Up to where they went up on the sordid scale, matters zero to your nervous system or attachment.

I am sorry I know how deeply it shatters you.
Here you will find help to navigate through the chaos and even more importantly a place where to voice your emotions and be heard, understood and never judged.

You will make it sister.
You have been heard

I’m so sorry you are in this position. But there are some very wise people here and I hope they pile on to provide advice. Some may be waaay off base but 9/10 we are pretty spot on.

It might be tough to hear. But the intent is to help you get out of this nightmare with your sanity. We are savvy enough to spot the gaslighting and manipulative behavior from cheaters.

First things first. Your husband has cheated. It doesn’t matter if it was physical, emotional, or something in between, but it’s based on the fact that he has broken a vow, has not remained truthful & is lying to you. And himself.

Based on experience, your husband will continue to deny anything happened. Whether nothing happened is really not the issue. The issue is that he broke your trust.

I don’t know if you’re able to get actual proof that he did see in an escort on his business trip. He may have been dumb enough to put it on a credit card or withdraw an unusual amount of money from your bank account to pay for the services. Unfortunately, it’s going to come down to a "he said – she said" situation.

You have now learned that your husband is the sneaky calculating type. I’m sure that was shocking to you.

I don’t know where you go from here. I think it’s going to be a series of frustrating conversations, especially if he never admits the truth.

Unfortunately, most of us here will disagree that "nothing happened". He certainly took advantage of an opportunity where he was able to get away with something — except he forgot to delete the text or message.

I would not be surprised, based on typical cheater behavior, if this is not his first time doing this. His only mistake was forgetting to delete the evidence.

Please continue to post here so we can support you.

I’m so sorry this happened to you. One thing that is nearly ubiquitous in these situations is that you are still being lied to. In this case, it’s patently obvious, pretending not to remember the details from 6 months ago.

There’s a very real chance he saw the escort, this time, or perhaps other times in the past. You and he both need to get STD testing done. It sucks and is feels embarrassing in the moment but you really have to do this. Don’t let him verbally tell you his results, insist on seeing the paperwork. Don’t sleep with him until the test results are in.

And just remember, people cheat because of what’s wrong with them, not what’s wrong with you. You did nothing to deserve this.

It's entirely possible that you did, in fact, catch him before "anything happened." A few flirty text messages, a sexy pic, and an inquiry about an escort, may be rationalized as "no big deal." However, the fact remains that he took steps. And that is betrayal enough to warrant concerns, in my opinion.

He’s not the calculating, secretive type, so this shocked me.

Most betrayed spouses are shocked by what they discover about their wayward spouses. I've often read from betrayed spouses who believed "it's so out of character." I was certainly guilty of this. I simply couldn't wrap my head around who I believed my ex-wife to be and who she demonstrated herself to be. It's such a powerful shock that it often makes a betrayed spouse question themselves and their ability to discern and accurately judge truth from lies, honesty from deception. It is a deep psychological wound.

Maybe you're right that he's not a calculating, secretive type, but he could have learned to be. He could have honed those skills.

Generally speaking, anyone busted doing wrong will head straight into damage control mode. They will lie, minimize, blame-shift, obfuscate, equivocate, and/or engage in DARVO shit.

Claiming he doesn't remember the details is dubious at best - like the "plausible deniability" garbage I've been hearing about for decades. He remembers.

There's a thread in the General forum entitled: "Keeping secrets." It's one of the most illuminating and impactful posts I've ever read here (and that's saying quite a lot after a decade as a member). Print a copy and give it to your husband.

Your husband may or may not have gone through with something, but the fact remains that he at the very least flirted with the idea and broke your trust.

The collective wisdom here will tell you that almost all cheaters will lie, obfuscate, minimize and downplay whatever it is they've done. They'll probe to find out what you know, then tailor their story to fit those facts. This is almost universally true. Rare are the ones who will give a full confession upon discovery. Sometimes it takes weeks, months, or even years to get the whole story. Usually via "trickle truth," which is extremely painful for a betrayed spouse.

As far as this goes...

He’s not the calculating, secretive type, so this shocked me

My wife of almost 27 years at the time of my d day was the last person anyone expected would do something like this. Even her mother was shocked. She spent almost a couple of months calculating risk, sneaking around, lying to my face, and kept secrets on a level I didn't even think she was capable of.

Almost every betrayed spouse is blindsided and shocked when they discover what their spouses have been up to. So brace yourself for the possibility of more revelations.

I know this is probably not what you want to hear, and it is possible you caught onto him before he actually did anything physical, but that's not usually the case. A person doesn't normally wait 20 years before soliciting or attempting to solicit escorts. That's usually a pattern developed over a long period of time. However, even if your husband could be the exception there's the matter of the flirty texts with the woman from the restaurant. That's a breach of trust and at the very least an emotional affair.

Just know that whatever the case is, this is not your fault. There's nothing you did or didn't do to cause him to step outside your marriage. Blame shifting is pretty common, too, so don't accept it if he tries.

How is it going op?

Just remember you can pass by anytime you need.

I appreciate everyone’s support. Only one friend I have knows (as well as my therapist) this is going on, and sometimes I feel like screaming.
I thought we had everything out in the open—short-term flirty sexy texts with one woman, and email inquiry for a sex worker on a trip out of town. We’ve been talking for a couple of weeks and he’s been willing to answer my questions, given me full access with passwords to his devices and accounts. I was feeling pretty settled that I had turned up everything.
Then tonight I was going through his google suite on the desktop. Nothing interesting in Gmail, photos, documents. But then I went to google voice and found an unknown number with short calls coming in and out at the beginning of March when he was traveling for a diving trip. Looked up this number and it came straight up as an escort in the city where he was. Called him up (he’s out of the country with his brothers right now) and he admitted he contacted her. Said it was through insta but her number isn’t on insta. Just on the adult website she advertised on. So another direct lie. He’s still claiming he didn’t go through was just looking into it.
I’ve got an appointment this week to be tested for stds just to be sure. I still haven’t found direct evidence he did meet with anyone, but I’m getting less able to believe him. Even if he didn’t, I feel like his character flaws are becoming more and more evident, and I have to figure out how to decide if it’s worth it for me or not. We have 3 adultish kids, and I feel like I would be giving a really bad example if I stay. But I’m not ready for that decision yet. And I can’t help thinking if there’s more I still haven’t found.

WD,

Trickle truth (TT) is a killer. Around here, it seems that TT does as much or more damage as the infidelities themselves. So many WS tell only the minimum they think they can get away with. It was just talking turns to just kissing to just slept in the same bed but no sex to just one time to a full on affair for months. And it is so damaging - trust has been demolished and when you are trying to start rebuilding it brick by brick, they continue to lob these grenades in. They are saying they want to rebuild while they are actively causing more damage.

You are still confused - that is okay. Try the 180 to give your brain some room to breathe. It helps you detach and look at things without being swirled in emotion. I’m very glad you are getting STD testing - be sure to not have unprotected sex with your WS until he ALSO gets tested and SHOWS YOU the results. As you are learning, cheaters lie a lot, and then they continue to lie for a while. (Some just keep on lying…).

Limbo is a horrible place to be, but it is sometimes necessary until you know whether you want R or D or if your WS is even a decent candidate for R. That you are this close to DDAY and he is on a trip without you tells me he does not understand the pain you are going through.

What has he done since DDAY to help fix himself and your M? How is he helping you other than access to his phone/computer?

Weighed down,

As suspected, now you have the confirmation that he lies, gaslights and trickle truths you.

That is lack of respect, love cannot exist without respect, and he does respect escorts more than his own wife.

Mind you, this doesn’t mean that you are not worthy of respect, actually here the only person who deserves zero respect or sympathy is your husband, proving to be a worthless piece of shit.

Does he want to go to sleep with escorts for whatever reason his brain excuses him to? Then he should check with you if you are ok with it, so you can choose if to pack his luggage or not (meaning let him pack it alone, not keep him).

Husband / boyfriend and escort are simply words that should never go in the same sentence unless it’s an old Ford Escort, and still you’d be right to question it.

So for the sake of grammar, let’s fix the sentence:

Your ex husband has an escort addiction and is too dumb to understand his lies are painting him as the circus clown

There, this already removes a lot of that weight holding you down.

For now practice it, hard 180 is by all means just that.

You put you first, start healing, then in time you decide if turning the practice into formalized reality by filing the divorce.

Let me red nose stumble around in his clown shoes while you care for the woman who deserves to find her peace, you.

And start to check your finances so you make sure to demand back all the allowances he squanders with the rent a lady services.

And cut his "other allowance " too so you avoid getting an std, he might be the kind of guy who goes also to the budget version and those are visited by many guys like him.

Anyway you are a kind of woman that is way too high value to be bought, for sure he didn’t earn the right to you as things are.

Oh, and be certain, that will hurt him more than anything else, so put him on a strict diet of "nada"

Good luck sister.