SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sometimes the pain and confusion is just so overwhelming that I'm stuck.

After going through WS multi-year EA with suspected PA, false reconciliation and now both WS and WS's AP are divorcing at the same time.

Looking back, I had been the one that put in the thoughts and time for reconciliation. Perhaps, WS never did want to reconcile. I have no idea. There were some initial moments felt like geniune efforts, did provided passwords, tried to cut contact; however, emotionally distant was present and effort being inconsistent; further lies about things we agreed WS would do, but didn't do; trickle truth.

I was calm and collective at the beginning, but as things go on, each time, there were more inconsistencies, or trickle truth, I felt less secure.

I think I also made mistakes of overstaying, when boundaries were not respected. I tried to reinforce boundaries. WS didn't like it.

However, my WS claimed that they couldn't remember or think of any time we had before discovery date. WS decided to judge out marriage based on the time after discovery date, which I felt was just totally unfair.

The whole reconciliation phase was about 6 months. WS showed signs of leaving 1-2 months in, but kept trying.

We separated and the separation months were brutal. No signs of reconnection, despite WS claiming they wanted to. Nothing made sense during couple therapy as it was all just fake attempt at that point. At the end, the divorce anouncement was brutal and no meaningful communication, no closure, as if I was discarded.

It's all very confusing, and because there was no closure at the end, I found it very consuming to make sense of it all. WS felt like being flipped to a completely different person.

I guess, I don't know what geniune reconciliation and remorse should look like?

Dear, this is not reconciliation this is desperation.

Reconciliation is never the BS begging the cheater to stop cheating. Is abuse, sexual, emotional, psychological.

Imagine a victim of rape or other abuse begging the abuser to stop. It doesn’t work.

You must detach and accept the consequences of your partner actions and abuse.
Consequences being: they are out of your life.

That’s what the 180 replicates.

You detach, cut them off. Finished.

If the WS realizes that their dirty little fantasy is ending with the destruction of their life, they might get out of the fog or at least pause, act as an adult with sanity and reconsider.

If they crawl back begging over broken glass then and only then, you might consider if you still feel like giving them a second chance.

That means they need to radically change, therapy and self work of a titanic scale. Full accountability and remorse.

It’s never going to be the same, but only when not you and the WS heal, the reconciliation process may start (and can still fail).

What seems you have done is what is called the pick me dance. It never works.

It keeps the fantasy of the affair vibrant, makes you look desperate to your cheater so they are double sure you will always be there waiting and begging, and also keeps the affair spicy since they can continue the betrayal clandestinity which is exciting, but now without being afraid they may fall.

You clearly proved them that you would stay as safety net forever, so they could plan and build the fantasy.

If they make it open, they will likely fail, affairs very rarely survive long when they are no longer affairs. They may drag it but end up cheating on each other and do all that horrible stuff you are suffering right now.

So don’t worry karma will catch up to them both.
Broken people don’t form nor deserve secure bonds.

You need to put yourself first now.
Read and implement the hard 180 at once.
He’s divorcing?
Good treat it like getting rid of the trash.

Begin your new life immediately. He is not worthy, you are.

You will see an immediate change, no matter the outcome.

But you must let go of any outcome.

Put your self first.
Only your healing ❤️‍🩹 matters right now.

He is worthless

Thanks so much for your input. The WS and the AP announced to divorce each BS together in the end of the horrible separation, whilst acted it was my fault that the WS had to go with divorce.

The trauma has been so much. It has been unbelievable journey to just manage to stay alive.

Really appreciate the handholding.

It’s not your fault, your husband is a fool, broken and he will spiral, they always do because they have deep issues or they would not cheat. It won’t be long before they will cheat on each other so is a matter of time before he is crawling back more or less openly.
It’s extremely common so be prepared emotionally.

I think you will see you lost a worthless person, not because his essence but because he chose to become one by having his flaws become his defining attribute, instead of tackling them and trying to be a better, stronger, healthier man.

So you didn’t lose anything.

I know the pain is supreme right now, it’s because you are not broken. But you can still heal, and reclaim your life and future, possibly with a healthy partner if you so choose.

A thing about being betrayed is you develop a sensitivity towards spotting cheaters and liars no matter how much they pretend.

Follow your guts and you won’t allow such broken people close any longer.
That’s strength.

This is so beautifully said. Thank you so much!

"I think you will see you lost a worthless person, not because his essence but because he chose to become one by having his flaws become his defining attribute, instead of tackling them and trying to be a better, stronger, healthier man."

Keep posting and sharing your emotions, people here understand you.

It’s paramount that you don’t keep that pain compressed and you isolate feeling alone.
You will get ton of good advice, but the most important is that your heart will be heard.

You have been heard

Thank you. Your words are gold.

I felt so gutted that I didn’t trust my gut feeling and let my emotions of loving WS got in the way. In the end, WS just exploited my kindness.

A hard feeling is injustice. They can just fabricate lies and twist narratives to make it look like it’s me overreacting.

After all, they can say whatever they want. The rewriting history is a continuation of betrayal and intensified the hurt and injustice feelings.

I know it’s hard to understand, reformed waywards can give you some insight.

It’s a betrayal not only of you, when a person betrays they are almost universally betraying themselves as well. They are running away from their shadow but in truth they are engulfing themselves in darkness.

It’s self sabotage, you are collateral damage for the self destruction of a broken person.

I know it doesn’t lessen the pain now, but it will help you to heal in time.
It was never about you.

Even if you are paint the bill for their disgusting choice.
You will see the light one day.
He will never be able to run from himself.

You should stop listening to the words of a liar and cheater. Rewriting the marriage is what cheaters often do to justify the affair.

Second you gave it your best effort. You can D without regret knowing you did everything you could to Reconcile. When you look back you will know that you were alone in your journey to Reconcile. Your STBXH was on a very different path.

Third, this affair relationship has a very low chance of success. Odds are it won’t last a year. Don’t be surprised by it — but one of them will most likely cheat.

Meanwhile you should get to a place one day where you are living your best life.