SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Long story short my husband left me 5 years ago and then, after pressure from me, admitted to an affair. One year physical affair which ended 3 years before he admitted it. He came back to me the day after wanting to try again which we have. It has been very boy but we got to a calmer place, although sometimes I would still get upset about the situation. Our youngest has just finished her end of school exams and he has announced he 'can't do this anymore'. It has been 3 weeks. For the first weeks I have felt relief but I think due to shock. Now the reality is dawning I feel so mixed, hurt, angry, disappointed. I fell shame that I took him back for him to betray me again. Please help me.

Sister, I wish there were some magic to help you right now, but while there’s one it’s inside your self, I can’t "cast the spell " for you.

You can though.

Breathe first of all, from the belly and think one thing. What’s scaring you right now?

Is that he is going to leave or that you took back an unremorseful cheater thus "wasting your time "?

If he does not change and hasn’t changed, you are actually gaining from "losing" this person.
That’s a life vampire an emotional parasite, you have done nothing wrong to him and he did the worst to you.

You might be used to him right now just because he is familiar like a intestinal worm, and you invested in what you believed was a relationship while he was siphoning off all the nourishment he could and gave you an infection of the soul in exchange.

You did nothing wrong, not to him, you sacrificed enough of your good to feed his emptiness and insatiable void.

Getting him out of your system is going to be the best thing that happened in your life.

I know you are experiencing grief and that feels like chaos, but he is the source of it, not the thing preventing you from falling, he is the one who is throwing you under the bridge.

Your nerve system feeling initially relief is what you truly feel emotionally, because you know he never wanted to change. the rest is an aftershock but it will pass, and you’ll find yourself again

You speak such sense and I completely agree when I am thinking objectively but my heart is telling me something differently. He told me he is leaving because of how I have treated him...l

That is called gaslighting and blame shifting.

He has no balls to be a safe partner, a man who doesn’t need to resort to treachery and sneaking around, do you truly believe he can have the balls to admit to himself "I am the villain, I abused my wife and lied and betrayed, and above all I am not willing to change, I plan to keep abusing, lying and betraying"?

He doesn’t have a pair sister. The only thing he can do to be able to look himself in the mirror without spitting on it, is to paint himself as a victim and all his choices to cheat, lie and betray as your fault. For he knows deep down he is the piece of trash here, and he can’t silence that voice, so he chooses to run from you to find more dopamine that will balance his emptiness so he can keep ignoring his conscience.

But she won’t shut up, ever. His hell is just beginning, yours is about to end.

You will heal and will be easier without him.

You have been heard

Thank you - I can't tell you how much your words mean. Noone on my real life gets it!

So sorry you were blindsided by this. What a coward. Do not feel shame. You offered the grace of R and he failed. That’s on him, not on you. Take pride in the your kindness and grace.

But here’s the thing. You are going to be okay. You are going to be better than okay. .That you initially felt relief makes me think your nervous system has been on high alert for YEARS and you are just so used to it that you don’t even know it.

Please see a lawyer/solicitor right away - actually see a few and find one that will fight for everything you are entitled to.
Start the 180 to begin detaching and give your brain some space to breathe.
Think of this like a business being split up, and try to start going through your finances to understand where things are at.

Are you in IC? Who do you have IRL to talk to? This is a big shock and you need some outlets to vent and talk.

Trust that you will be okay. Because you really will be. Hang in there. Sending virtual (((hugs))).

I have IC and friends in real life, they are helpful but don't really get it. I just feel so lost and stupid!

You are not stupid. You were trusting and caring. Big difference.

As for lost, the lawyer can help with the step by step of what is next. Or friends who have been through divorce.

And no, anyone who has not been through infidelity does not know how we feel. I knew it would be hard, but had no idea how devastating until I went through it. So keep posting. We get it.

It is so good to be heard by people who get it! I have spent sometime with my children and I am currently feeling calmer...for now!

I'm so sorry he has wasted your gift of those extra 5 years. It requires so much grace and patience to stay after being cheated on. You're not the stupid one - he is! And you have nothing to be ashamed of, but he definitely does!

The next year or two will be hard as you adjust to single life. Heartbreak hurts, no matter how good it is for you in the long run, and healing from that will take time. Your feelings are natural. Try your best to focus on your children and yourself. Stay with healthy habits. There's much you can do (like rearrange the furniture or take up old hobbies) with your new freedom. I find that the sadness still gets me sometimes, but as time goes on, it's easier to shake it off. I'm sure you'll get there, too.

I am sorry that you feel sad too. I think it is more for the what if rather than the reality. I had such a lovely time with my children this evening (we are in the UK) and I know I can do this. The down moments are tough so I need a plan for those!!

You don’t realize or see it now, but you’ve been given a second chance at having g a life that is not marked with distrust and lies and disrespect from your H.

The fact he blames the D in you is sooooooo typical. He lies & cheats and expects a gold star 😡.

Getting out from this will be the best thing that happened to you. You won’t have to sit and wonder "is he cheating" or "is he happy?"

Live a life on your terms with honesty and integrity. You deserve better than a lying cheating jerk.

PS do you think there is an OW involved?

It has been so hard the past 5 years wondering what is going on in his head, in fact I would say that has been the case the whole time but it has been worse for the last 5 years. I now know better than to say there isn't an OW - he is hardly going to fess up to this at this point! When I feel rational I can definitely see that this is what I needed to happen. Maybe I am annoyed that he got in there first!

Sounds to me like the last 5 years have been nerve wracking for you.

Maybe now you can choose to put yourself first and start living a life filled with peace.

I know the D process is not going to be easy for you as the cheater will most likely not be cooperative. Something strikes me as him having a sense of entitlement and wanting everything to go his way.

Best you can do is avoid conversation about issues and let your attorney handle it.

Peace is definitely well received. I just need to get to my own place for that to truly begin!