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[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:02 PM, Tuesday, September 8th]

Get your wife to sit down and ask her directly; do you want to divorce (OR state clearly "I want a divorce") and then the two of you can possibly decide the next steps and how to proceed. That could be an agreement to seek mediation, decide to do as much as you can yourselves under the supervision and revision of an attorney,

I do not disagree, whatsoever, with that sentiment and advice. I just don't think I'm (or we together. are) ready to have that discussion b/c there's a ton of unresolved/swept under the rug issues that we are currently talking through (or trying to) at the moment. I do believe that the "discussion" is inevitable and will happen, just not sure when. Could be tomorrow, the next day, next week. I don't know. I wish I did, but I do not. I have been trying to leave this in God's hands, or to have him guide me in the right direction. I was 100% about to file this morning after an argument/disagreement that ensued last night. Yet, this morning, she showed empathy and remorse about it in a way that she never has before. This could all be an illusion or her way of taking back control; I don't know. But, it felt good - to finally see some accountability for a change. Needless to say, I did not file today and we went to my oldest son's first ever tackle football (Junior High) game. I stood next to her, awkwardly, but did not get too close. I wanted to. I so wanted to, but couldn't. I'm very confused w/myself right now and the situation we find ourselves in. I love my kids, but hate how I feel at times. My heart still aches, I still want to vomit when I think of my WW and her A partner. It drives me insane thinking about it. But here I am. Still living under the same roof and hating myself for not putting an "end" to everything we had/have.

You sound like you are about to get sucked into the pick me dance. Please do not let her do this. She is not even love bombing you. Just the smallest even sliver of empathy or accountability had you ready to fold. This is not healthy nor good in the long run.

1. She asked for divorce prior.

2. She cheated on you god knows how many times

3. She acted cruel and petty after you found out.

4. She sort of lashed out with more cruelty when you talked to other betrayed spouse.

5. She has been cold and uncaring for most of this episode only now giving you the briefest glimpses of hope.

I can't tell you what to do I can only tell you that in all probability she is going to cheat again and eventually treat you even worse than she already has if you demand actual accountability.

[This message edited by TheGhost at 5:48 AM, Wednesday, September 9th]

I have been trying to leave this in God's hands

My favorite sermon is the one about the pious man living at the mouth of a valley threatened by heavy rain and flash floods. The media is constantly issuing warnings, suggesting residents seek safety. The man states that he is a devout Christian and God will protect him. Then evacuation orders are posted, yet he stays in his house stating his status with God. Then the starts raining heavily and the flooding begins. He must move to the upper floor where SAR in a boat offers to save him. No – my God will save me. Rains more, and he’s on the roof where the Coast Guard hovers over him in a helicopter offering rescue. No – God will save me. Then the flashflood, washing him off the roof and drowning him…

Being a pious religious man he goes directly to Heaven where he’s granted an audience to God. He’s still a bit peeved and asks God - Why didn’t you save me?
To which God replies:
I put all those warnings in media, I posted an evacuation notice on your door, I sent SAR on a boat to go get you. I even sent a helicopter to save you…. WHY DIDN’T YOU LISTEN TO ME?

Not claiming to be God or pretending to speak on his behalf. SI is a non-religious site per se, although there are a lot of people of faith here. But if you are a person of faith and placing the outcome in God’s hand… consider if maybe he directed you to this site?

I love Bigger’s analogy. As a Christian, I believe we don’t have to suffer or be a martyr to live a Christian life.

I fought against a D too - as my H was at times pretty much throwing it in my face. He had no remorse, he didn’t care he was hurting me, I was crying 24-7 - you get the idea. Anxiety through the roof. Can’t eat or sleep. Completely beaten down (add in a highly toxic workplace) and you can tell my life was pretty much a living nightmare.

When I decided I had enough and I decided to put myself, my health, my sanity and my kids well being (cuz they needed a mom, not a shell of a mom) first, it was the most freeing moment. I didn’t want to D - but I had no choice.

It changes the game.

Have faith you will be fine. Have faith your kids will be fine. Have faith you will never regret standing up for yourself. Have faith you will be thankful one day that you stopped living under a cloud of infidelity.

Believe in yourself.

Beetrain,

It’s completely normal to feel conflicted. You don’t need to apologize about it. Sometimes there are posters who come here, get the same advice you got, and then try to reconcile and vanish forever. Please don’t do that (vanish). If you change your mind, you won’t be judged and you can still benefit from the advice of people who have walked that path.

All that said, as a gentle reminder, her affair is not over. They still work together. It’s possible OM ‘ended things’ with her to try to save his marriage, but as long as they work together and have not gone no-contact, you have to consider her affair as active.

I’m glad that she’s starting to show empathy and remorse, but go back to the first couple of pages in this thread - those are the kind of things that you would talk about if you were working on your marriage. But since she hasn’t ended the affair, what’s the point? If you start walking your path out of infidelity, you will find out quickly whether that empathy and remorse is real.

But here I am. Still living under the same roof and hating myself for not putting an "end" to everything we had/have.

There are some immutable truths about having to work through the utter cesspool that is marital treason. One of them is that ever faithful-yet-betrayed spouse works through it at their own pace.

That pace is determined by many factors with just a few being:

• Upbringing, as in what behaviors did the parents emulate at home? Was there an imbalance? Abuse/neglect? Infidelity? Constant conflict? An over all happy and balanced home? Where else do you learn how to deal with conflict, trauma and other high impact events?

• Emotional quotient. This is huge imo. Everyone feels the terrible turmoil and hurt of betrayal in sone measure but the emotiinal depth and over all impactact varies wildly.

• Self confidence. Ill tread a bit lightly here but again, even the most self assured can have their confidence rocked by spousal treason. That said, if the betrayed goes into this alresdy struggling with self confidence/worth, the impact can be catastrophic.

There are many other things that feed into how a betrayed moves through the detritus of treason, but these are a few that I have relected on from my own experience and that of others.

What concerns me for you is this phrase:

hating myself

Self hatred is a terrible place to be. It may well be more harmful to you than the betrayal that precipitated it. The question is how to arrest it?

No easy answers but youve been given excellent input here. In your own time and way, you will have to find the will to enact them and stop the internal slide.

Strength to you.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 2:38 AM, Thursday, September 10th]

God gave you hands so that you did not need to depend on His.

Beetrain

I’m not using a crystal ball or reading goat-innards, but simply using what we have seen again and again in comparable situations:

I’m guessing the affair is "over" in the sense that since OMW was informed, the OM took your wife aside and said something along the lines of "alas! Our eternal love is not to be! I need to focus on the Wicked Witch (my wife) because if I don’t she will take my kids, pension, job…. If we truly love each other we will sacrifice our happiness and be apart…"
Or maybe a more direct "Get away! You were only a piece of ass for me".

Either way, they probably both think the affair is over. That they need to take it slow for now. Maybe a quiet "things OK at home?" in the break-room, but probably no hanky-panky.

That’s for now… Our experience says that once things cool down… like at the next company Christmas party…

It’s great if you two are addressing past issues… But while there is an affair or an intent to divorce – while the marriage has no future – it’s a waste of time.

With the strongest of words… I encourage you to address the future of your marriage with your wife. I’m not telling you to force the divorce, but rather to get a clear picture of her intentions, and see how that aligns with your wishes and intentions.

For example: If she says "I still want a divorce"… well… then you know. Discussing who did the laundry while the other was on the Xbox no longer have any value. If she tells you that the recent talks give her hope for the marriage then you can list what you need to even attempt reconciliation.

Please – don’t wait for the flash-flood…

Just got caught up here, I'm sorry you've been going through everything. I'll echo Bigger's posts here, it seems like you've been given some pretty clear signs and should be able to make a firm decision based on them. Take care of yourself, and we're here for you whatever you decide.

The last 8-10 hours have been insane. I hope to comment later to provide more clarity, but I just looked at death staring back at me (slightly exaggerating) and my WW is 100% a total selfish "fill in the blank." The total disregard for my feelings....I know that y'all have seen and experienced way more than me, but this is the worst moment of my life. I don't even know this person yet I've been next to her riding along the journey for more than 13 years. It's confusing, to say the least. I hate her. I hate her. I am mad at myself for allowing this to come to this. Fuck this

Please start recording interactions. I can see the writing on the wall and you need to protect yourself. It can be as simple as leaving your phone recording when she walks in a room.

Don’t be hard on yourself. Take care of you. Take care of your children. They need you now more than ever. You’ve acted as a faithful, committed partner would. Your WW is seriously broken. Much of what you have described is common here, although a brutal, confusing betrayal to you. It’s hard to imagine the selfishness and cruelty you see. It was always there. To justify her selfishness and lack of morals she will demonstrate hostility and hate. Stay in your lane. Do the 180. Don’t argue or engage with her. Keep moving forward for you. Sorry this is happening to you, but you are not to blame. It could be described as a narcissist discard.

I know that y'all have seen and experienced way more than me,

The worst case of infidelity is the one you’re going through.

Protect yourself.

She does not sound like a safe partner. You need to talk to a lawyer and file for divorce. You could still reconcile but, dude, you need to get legal protections in place. You just have to. Given what you have conveyed here there are only downsides to not starting that process.

You deserve someone who will love you like you love them. We all do.

I’m sorry she has misled you.

Stop trying to see the good in her. Stop giving her the benefit of the doubt.

Hardest thing is to accept the person you loved and trusted is someone you no longer recognize.

It took me 6 long painful months to get that message. And like you my H at times was cruel to me. Lack of discussion or communication b/c he thought he was going to kick me to the curb and sail off into the sunset with the OW.

And he honestly believed everyone would celebrate his new love blah blah blah.

At dday2 I had this 30 second speech (before I knew sbout SI and Bigger’s wisdom). It went like this:

I am Divorcing you. I’m sorry it has come to this but I have no choice. I have nothing left to give to this marriage or you. You are free to go and be with OW or anyone else you choose.

And I left the room. No discussion. Just a statement.

For the first time in 6 months I felt an odd sense of calm b/c I no longer what he did or who he did it with.

I hope this helps you. You’ve given her 100% effort and forgiveness and love. She has not done the same these past few months.

It’s up to you to decide whether you want to continue to be living under a cloud of infidelity OR you want some peace and happiness away from this mess.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:10 PM, Friday, September 11th]

Stop trying to see the good in her. Stop giving her the benefit of the doubt.

Hardest thing is to accept the person you loved and trusted is someone you no longer recognize.

This is where I'm suffering the most. She used to be so good - what the F happened?! she was compassionate, loving, empathetic - you name it, if it was a good quality, she possessed it. Now? I don't even know who she is, how she can be so cruel and dismissive and unremorseful. It breaks my heart just typing it out for my eyes to see first hand what I'm saying. This is not the woman i grew to love, who I adored being around and called my best friend. This is not. Not even close.

I keep (internally, not externally although I'm sure she can sense it) secretly and selfishly hoping that she'll see the light and come back home (figuratively), but I know I'm only chasing a ghost at this point.

I fear the loss of being able to see my kids whenever and wherever I want. I fear being alone while my kids are doing fun things with their mom or her side of the family. I can already envision what that void is going to feel and look like. And, I hate every fuckin bit of it.

I know I've got to stand up for, and protect, myself. I am successful from time to time, but not always and it's those times that knock me down a few pegs and reality slaps me right in the face. I swear I wake up some days and have to remember that I'm going through this - it's real. And that is a tough pill to get used to.

I have the papers filled out and ready to go, but a part of me is scared to do it (not proud of that). Not necessarily b/c of doing the task, but how ugly shit is going to get once I file. Because I'm asking for primary custody and she is going to EXPLODE with hatred that you can only imagine. Thank you all, again, for sending positive thoughts along w/doses of wisdom and reality. It does help put things into perspective, even though I genuinely wish that was not the case. I'll be in touch over the weekend with hopefully, some better news.

I wish I could explain what happens to some cheaters. How they go from a human being with care and love towards their spouse to someone filled with hate and evil towards their spouse.

Luckily my H woke up at the last possible second. He was able to make amends and we recovered from his midlife crisis affair.

For some cheaters, they just remain cold and uncaring and evil towards their spouse betrayed. Part of me think it’s b/c they need to "blame" the betrayed for their unhappiness AND use it as a justification to cheat. And then it takes on a life of its own and there is no turning back.

So sorry for you.

.

Part of me think it’s b/c they need to "blame" the betrayed for their unhappiness AND use it as a justification to cheat. And then it takes on a life of its own and there is no turning back.

Well said and thank you for that. That is 100% of what she’s been doing since I found out. This is ALL my fault. She was "forced" into a corner left to fend for herself…… on and on. Just yesterday she tried to justify the work romantic A by saying that "everyone does it!" Clearly she’s no longer concerned about losing her job anymore but just 3 weeks ago told me that I put her job in jeopardy…..

Question, have any of you filed pro se’ instead of getting an attorney?

You are in Texas and you have minor children I would NOT file pro se. Just hire a lawyer. I know that is easy to say when these days retainers can easily be 5k+ but it will be the best money you have ever spent. If you have decent credit just find the best card offer that has 18 months zero interest and put it on the credit card.

The initial shock has worn off for both of you and now she is settling into the reality that she is a known cheater. This means she needs to build up her own support system and this includes pushing her own narrative to her friends and family. You need to do the same and that means not engaging in her attempts to gaslight and DARVO you.

Let her work through her own delusions and justifications. You need to protect your own sanity and build up your own support system.