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It’s been almost 18 months since D-Day. Reconciliation has been a bumpy road, but my WH continues to work really hard on his issues, and we’ve had some genuinely good stretches in between.

What’s really getting to me, though, is the collateral damage from his affair. I’ve talked about some of it here before: friends have pulled away, he left the community where we used to spend a lot of time together, etc. But unfortunately, that’s not the end of it.

My WH’s son is getting married in the summer of 2027. He knows about the affair and he and I have been in close contact in the weeks after D-Day. At some point this year, he and his fiancée came over to our house and told us that, among other things, they had looked at a wedding venue that’s very close to the house where the AP lives. The moment they mentioned it, my body went straight into a panic attack before I could even process what they were saying. Once I had calmed down, I explained to them what had happened and why I wouldn’t be able to go there. Of course, they had no way of knowing that she is living right next door, and they were understandably very shocked.

After a longer period of no contact, my stepson reached out to my WH a few weeks ago and told him that they had ultimately decided to go with that exact venue. After that phone call, my WH came to me and said, "I can’t celebrate my son’s wedding in that place if you can’t be there because of something I caused."

He has since told his son that we’re both very sad about it, but that we won’t be attending.

My WH and I have talked several times since then about whether he might eventually regret his decision and end up resenting me for it. Every time we’ve had that conversation, he has stood by his decision. So eventually, I let it go.

And then all hell broke loose.

My stepson’s biological mother sent separate (!) letters to both my husband and me. She accused him of failing as a father, and accused me of being the b*tch behind all of this and that I was keeping him from attending the wedding. There’s currently no contact between my stepson and us either so we do not know whether she wrote those letters on his behalf. My feeling is that he has also decided that I’m the one to blame, or at the very least that he’s extremely angry with me.

Shortly after he told us about the venue, I wrote my stepson a long, very personal letter. I told him that our relationship matters to me, that our door is always open, and that I also hope he can acknowledge that the trauma symptoms I’m dealing with are real, even if he doesn’t understand them (which is something he apparently told my husband). I never got a response to that letter either.

My husband keeps saying, "Let them. None of them knows what our life actually looks like right now." He would like to meet with his son and his son’s partner any time soon and talk everything through. I think that’s a good idea, but I don’t want to have to be there.

I’m feeling so incredibly helpless and sad that I have to carry all of this on top of the pain of the affair itself.

Will this ever stop if I keep trying to reconcile with my WH?

Will it stop ? Not sure.

My two cents. Everyone is entitled to their feelings.

But it’s how people behave and the choices they make that have the most impact.

The engaged couple could choose any wedding venue they liked. And they did. You as the betrayed expressed your feelings and declined to attend. I’m certain you had no idea that your H would decide not to go to the wedding if you declined.

But he’s entitled to make that decision too.

The XW is overstepping and had no reason to intervene. Your H can have pictures taken (at maybe a different location day of the wedding) so the newlyweds won’t miss out on that aspect.

If the wedding ceremony is not at the venue, your H (and maybe you) can attend.

This doesn’t have to cause drama drama drama unless people allow it to. And it seems as though the XW wants it to.

There are compromises that can be made all around. Your stepson knows the truth but it’s just hard for a non-betrayed to understand the fallout from an affair.

It did stop for us....or at least get a lot less intense. You're in the thick of it right now.

I do like the way your FWH responded "I can’t celebrate my son’s wedding in that place if you can’t be there because of something I caused." Rightly so....this is not your collateral damage. It is your FWH's. Not being able to attend his son's wedding is definitely something he may regret, but any hint of resenting you for it rather than feeling remorse and regret for WHY he's not attending should be firmly on FWH's side of the street to fix. Not yours.

Throw them a congratulatory party after or something to support them while still honoring your needs in healing.

Why don't you want to be there when your FWH and step son meet? I'd want to be in the room, just on the off chance FWH is throwing you under the bus for this. Why would step son believe that you're to blame for this rift?

Ladybugmaam

I just don‘t want to force my stepson into an interaction with me that he clearly isn’t ready for as he chose not to react to my letter. And he has a right to speak to his father without me sitting at the table.

But I like your idea of the congratulatory party! 🥳

[This message edited by 7m46s at 5:40 PM, Tuesday, September 29th]

7m46s, I understand the dilemma in which you find yourself is extremely difficult. The fallout from infidelity truly is a "gift" that keeps on giving. Surviving all of it is a very painful process.

I think your WH wanting to sacrifice attending his son's wedding to alleviate your discomfort is admirable, to an extent. He's owning his actions and the consequences, which is a positive sign.

However...

This is his son's wedding, a (hopefully) once in a lifetime event. It is an extraordinarily special occasion, completely and totally focused on the bride and groom, transcending all other concerts.

I understand that being near the AP and her home would be a trigger for you. But it's just a trigger and learning to master triggers is a huge step towards healing.

You're allowing the OW too much influence upon you and your life. The affair is over. He has no contact with her. It's in the past. Yes, recovery and healing and reconciliation are all fucking hard. I'm certainly not trying to minimize the struggle. Still, no matter what we deal with as betrayed spouses, life goes on. The world, and those we love, are under no obligation to be on hold while we find our footing and move on. It sucks, but there's no way around it.

The wedding is nearly a year from now. There's no way to know how you'll feel at the time, how much more healed you'll be, or how well R has progressed. You might end up divorced by then, so no worries about attending.

The point is to take back control of your life, your recovery and healing, your peace of mind, body and spirit.

So, while I understand your initial reaction to the venue, I also think it's premature and a trauma response. It's powerful, that trauma. No doubt about it. Been there and done that. We cannot let that trauma govern our lives forever.

I think, if you try, you could imagine yourself at the wedding, enjoying the moment, the celebration, dancing, laughing and smiling... reminding yourself that the AP doesn't mean shit to you, her stupid fucking house is just a building, and focusing on your happiness and peace, and the wedding, the family and friends, is way more important to you.

Believe me, Unhinged, there’s a lot more to this story. I’ve already shared some of it here, too. For example, my WH proposed to me and married me while he was still having the affair. So much for the idea that, ideally, your wedding is a once-in-a-lifetime event.

Or the fact that the AP’s house was where they f***ed every single time. Or that his ex-wife, who will of course also be at the wedding, was involved in all the secrecy.

I don’t want to go into all of this in detail. But one thing is clear to me: I will neither go near that place nor, if I can possibly avoid it, attend any wedding. It’s all still far too raw, and I’m simply not at the point where I can say, "Let’s move on."

[This message edited by 7m46s at 7:24 PM, Tuesday, September 29th]

I fully agree with The1stWife.

If the ceremony is in a different venue, your WH could join them there. Or if they are taking pictures somewhere else, that could also be a chance to celebrate the newlyweds, without attending the party venue.

I also agree with unhinged’s comment.

While I don’t think I am in a position to say anything about triggers, I believe that children come before everyone and everything (unless of course there are out of the ordinary dynamics with them).

If I were to miss such a major event in my child’s life because of my own past actions, I would hope the other parent would write me a letter to call me out on that (this is to say I can understand why the XW wrote to your H. She was out of line writing to you though).

On the other hand, you have a right to protect yourself (and I am sorry you are the one suffering now when you have 100% no faults )

[This message edited by LonelyGuilty at 10:50 AM, Wednesday, September 30th]

7m46s

I don’t have the full picture but there is a cheating husband, an AP, a stepson of an ex wife.

Is already a messy concoction, and I don’t get if this ex wife is ex because your husband was cheating on her with you (that would made you the previous AP) or is completely unrelated.

Legitimate question since your husband is a (possibly reformed) cheater, so is safe to assume he might been at it before you as well.

If you’re not the owe for the ex wife, then she has no business in messing around with you. We can scratch that off the list.

The trigger you mention is understandable and I would take it as a clue to understand that that specific wound is not yet healed, you have work to do to get OW lose power over you. She’s not worthy the poop you stepped on years ago in the park.

I agree with unhinged that you can heal it better, for yourself, not for stepson or bride or whomever.

Actually surprisingly good your wayward husband took a stance and full accountability (at least in front of you) if that’s genuine he has finally grown a pair.

Which deserves respect.

Stepson is having issues with you most likely from what I can read. Loving a person means you are receptive to something that causes them pain, his refusal to change location and taking offense on you, is a teller if he does in fact know about your husband’s betrayal and your trauma.

And really he wouldn’t want to give anywhere near the place where his soon to be wife would have been fucking her affair partner. Having experienced betrayal or not, is irrelevant here, all human instincts respond to that thought naturally, he know is bad. He might ignore just how bad it is, but his gut tells him is the stuff of horrors.

If they really couldn’t change the location for solid reasons, he and she would find a workaround to still have you before or after the celebration gets over there.

From experience, if I could not have all family members at the wedding I threw another party to get them still in.

You aren’t to blame here, this is fallout from your husband’s infidelity. Doing what infidelity does, pain, suffering and destruction of relationships.

He is to blame. He is also taking a stance. Your stepson has a choice: reach out and listen and understand, or play the offended prima Donna.

The second choice is telling on what’s the motive of having you attending the wedding in the first place: is it really for love and family how it’s advertised on the cover or is that just for external validation?

I want people who matters to share a significant day with me. I don’t want people who I don’t care for to be there to feed me validation.

I get the impression your stepson sees you more as his father’s concubine you are forced to have attending to get his dad into, rather than a stepmother who he has a connection.

Again, dealing with the bits of info I gather here.
You are not in the wrong. And this time, neither is your husband.

I fully agree with The1stWife.

If the ceremony is in a different venue, your WH could join them there. Or if they are taking pictures somewhere else, that could also be a chance to celebrate the newlyweds, without attending the party venue.

I also agree with unhinged’s comment.

While I don’t think I am in a position to say anything about triggers, I believe that children come before everyone and everything (unless of course there are out of the ordinary dynamics with them).

If I were to miss such a major event in my child’s life because of my own past actions, I would hope the other parent would write me a letter to call me out on that (this is to say I can understand why the XW wrote to your H. She was out of line writing to you though).

On the other hand, you have a right to protect yourself (and I am sorry you are the one suffering now when you have 100% no faults )

Hey lonely, I do understand what ptsd and panic attacks from betrayal do. Is not a good thing, you truly feel like you are dying then and there.

And there’s just no way to control it when something triggers it, it’s not understandable unless you experience it (but it’s something to be grateful for never experiencing in your life).

It’s bad. Like I am dying here kind of bad.

Having to eventually call an ambulance during the wedding celebration is way worse crush on what should be a happy memory for the newly married than having her avoiding it altogether.

And the finest thing about those panic attacks is the shame that follows them when unavoidably you survived one, which will likely crystallize more anxiety of it repeating and set you up to have the next trigger to happen more easily, often —> negative feedback loop.

Most imagine it must be like feeling sad or hurting, something you can possibly hide in public.
Is not, is physical manifestation of inner death, you can’t control it, you just have to let it run its course, lymbic system is beyond your conscious control.

I can see the dread this may feel to her to force herself into what has already manifested as a panic trigger just by imagining, and knowing that it might happen, sets her up to hyper vigilance which is the vanguard for a nasty panic attack.

Again, can’t be explained, but is beyond control, the only way to heal from it is a long process of therapy and lymbic reset, she likely has no time to do that, it can last years of therapy.

Is not that she wouldn’t share the joy or feel joy for her stepson, this is one of many consequences she has to confront and heal from what she never asked in the first place.

I hope this gives some clarity on why isn’t simple to address "brother"

Hi BftS,

I agree with you. I should have clarified that my comment was directed more at the WH (who is the father of the groom). As I said at the end, she must protect herself, especially because she didn’t ask for any of this.

At the same time, the son has no faults either (according to what has been shared) and he will be paying a price too.

Again, this is not the OP’s fault. And it shouldn’t be her weight to carry either (7m46s: this fallout is absolutely not on you! Despite the XW’s letter)

[This message edited by LonelyGuilty at 12:16 PM, Wednesday, September 30th]

Backfromthestorm

No, I was not the reason my stepson’s parents separated. Any more than I have personal experience with infidelity from the AP’s perspective. So far, I’ve managed to end unhappy relationships in a decent and respectful way. So there really is no connection between my stepson’s mother and me.

I hope that at some point I’ll get to a place where I genuinely don’t care about the AP anymore. There are moments when I’m pretty good at getting there. The idea of going back to the scene of the affair is not one of them.

But I also don’t see myself as being so important in my role as a stepmother that I would fight to be able to attend the wedding. I respect the couple’s decision. My WH never once considered going by himself. And if he had, I certainly wouldn’t have tried to stop him. The reality, though, is that he says staying away from the wedding feels like the only right decision for him. I respect that, too.

In my letter to my stepson, I expressed a lot of understanding and made no accusations whatsoever. It was simply important to me that this not come between the two of us. I wanted to leave the door open for us to reconnect and have a relationship again. Until I wrote that letter, neither of us had actually spoken to the other directly. He had only spoken to his dad on the phone.

My impression is also that it hurts my stepson much more that his dad isn’t coming than that I’m not coming. And that’s okay, but at the same time, it doesn’t really fit with the kind of relationship we had in the past: he confided things in me that, at that point, he hadn’t even told his own parents.

I believe my WH is sincere about his decision. I have never heard him say anything to the contrary, and he has been very clear about it in our couples therapy as well.

So, in short: I am neither the AP of his biological mother, nor am I trying to pull anyone in or hold anyone back. I am simply giving myself the right and the freedom to take care of myself by not going to that place. That doesn’t mean I don’t feel deeply sad about what things have become as a result of my WH’s bad decisions. Which was the reason for this posting in the first place.

Then it is sad that the stepson isn’t reciprocating the relationship you thought you had.

Which still rings I. My intuition a heel of some deep unresolved issue from hi side, avoidance or resentment or low self worth… he is the child of a cheater and this impacts children as much as partners, it’s a poisonous tree that continuously sprout new fruits, even when the seed died years ago.

On one hand, I have to say to your husband: that’s the only stance a man who retrieved his attributes can so.

It’s painful to him and his son. But is accountability for the sexual and emotional abuse he inflicted upon you.
And is not easy.
And he can stand tall he took a tough and painful decision.

It’s him telling the world this is on him, and him only.
Hopefully he has the strength to tell his son, the reason why this day is tainted it’s his choice of infidelity and its consequences.

Maybe this is a teaching taking roots in the son beyond the regret for his father calling himself out.
Maybe in time he will question his call to refuse to change venue.

Maybe he will learn that his father choices devoured the happiness in everyone’ lives of those close to him. Across years, maybe forever.

And maybe this will keep him from ever perpetuating or accepting a similar choice.

I get it’s very painful and uncomfortable and unpleasant.
But I can also see we might be witnessing a break from a cycle that could be repeated down to the following generations.

Yes,it’s thought and painful.
But WH has also shown strength here.