There’s several faces of love, I trust most known the feeling of being in love, usually the fresh new one, you are all in with this person, constantly.
There’s no space for others in there, your own brain chemistry prevents it.
That’s powerful and it is usually most noticeable in a new relationship, it generally "lasts" between couple of weeks up to two years.
You know what I am talking about, that feeling of being "in love" that is so energizing.
That’s part of Eros (the lovers love as in the facets of love). This distinction is very important:
is not that the feeling is Eros, that’s caused happy chemicals that are produced as a combination of we choosing this person and feeling that this person have chosen us.
Eros triggers it when we chose this person and we also choose us, as reflection of this person choosing us.
It feels like that because "we are chosen" but is not entirely true (of course it is contributing) the underlying emotion or state is that when finding Eros with this person we also found us.
That’s the true energy when this manifest. Being chosen alone by someone ain’t enough to get there.
The happy chemicals are a "reward" of finding this special state.
And this is very tricky. A double edged sword if there were ever one
We likely don’t understand this mechanism very well because we are just flowing with the torrent of passion and feeling "in love", unlikely we get to break it down and dissecting the why and what’s going on.
We just want this other person and that’s it.
That state is so powerful so peaceful that you want to keep feeling it, and when at some point unavoidably it starts to fade we mourn it.
And we learn that is chemistry that fades out after novelty, because the feeling factually is happy chemicals, what is presumed to fade as a predictable response is an assumption made from observer logic an hypothesis," it happens regularly hence it must be a natural scripted response to novelty "
It’s not the full story because it doesn’t fit every time.
Yes nature created those happy chemicals to strengthen bonding and secure an offspring and they do an astounding job at bonding 2 people so tightly that nothing can get in the middle as those chemicals are active.
But why does not happen in every new encounter if it’s scripted then?
That’s the flaw in the hypothesis that makes the premise a bit more complex than assumed.
It is measurable chemically, but the problem is that is actually relatively rare, it does happen with few partners, not with any partner, not by far.
And my understanding of why is simple. That you are chosen and found by a partner is not enough to give birth to Eros and this love feeling. You need to find yourself, and when reflected in this other person that’s the moment when it happens.
You choose someone, you feel chosen, and you choose yourself as well.
That’s the full story of the concoction that gives fire to zeros. Any ingredient missing and it doesn’t ignite.
So why does it tend to fade?
The person doesn’t change, is still who we like and chose, but the chemistry drips awy and we are found in time from fire to embers.
Why? Bored? Unlikely.
The biggest thing is that in time with life we tend to stop choosing ourselves, rather than choosing our partner. Insecurities, issues, life’s curveballs…. All contribute into undermining the feeling of self, and each hit makes you a little bit off center from where you "found yourself".
When off enough, the chemistry changes as in every other situation of life.
And here is the pitfall:
We know that feeling is triggered by chemicals and we have the conclusions that is predictable in time. But we have the conclusion taken from a flawed premises as "it’s novelty that triggers it" (untrue because is rare, no matter how much "novelty" you farm), so how to get it back as we desperately want?
Introduce novelty of course!
So how does people get there?
The most common "techniques" are based around breaking the patterns, and they work: changing schedules, restart dating, taking a "crazy" vacation where you refine each other in the place…. All those things that we feel "romantic" are usually pretty good at reigniting Eros and returning the couple to that initial feeling.
And we assume that is the "creating novelty". That’s rarely questioned if ever, is the accepted truth.
Other tactics are taking breaks to create longing and these can also work.
Same explanation, break the patterns create novelty.
And since they often works isn’t that proof of concept?
I don’t think so.
Is not the novelty that reignites that, is the breaking of the pattern that gives you space to from the things that destabilized you from your center, that allows you to rediscover yourself and that’s the key.
Your partner doesn’t need to be "chosen again" you already have them, you know they are good, you know how you can feel with them.
It’s you that lost center so you couldn’t be present in the place that made you feel like that with them, so when you remove the factor that threw you off center and can regain enough balance to get there again…. Here the embers still had a ton of fire underneath!
The fire wasn’t gone, you did, so you couldn’t feel the warmth.
That goes for both partners by the way.
When you find yourself the chemistry you had is allowed to return and you will feel it again full force.
Because is not about being chosen, is about choosing this person and yourself. Their choosing you is a catalyst.
There’s a dysfunctional way to cope with this:
We assume that as we learned novelty is what makes us feel good.
So we go for that, desperately trying to regain that feeling, new people new encounters all to trigger those happy chemistry again.
It’s now sounding like an addict because it’s not a state of bliss, but it’s searching for a high because we feel so,low. And it is exactly like an addiction, we are looking for a fix for he kiss our ourselves that took us out from the warmth of the fire we already have, but we fear we lost.
That implies abandoning your "fireplace" in search for another one, maybe only realizing later that we left what was already good for a chimera and we lost it.
This is what ends many happy relationships that didn’t need to end for they were solid. And when the regret hits they are gone, once that fire is truly extinguished is unlikely you can ever lit it again.
But I speculate this could be also what playing into adultery and infidelity.
You are searching for that warmth and light but not in the fire you have (and can’t feel because you left the room following issues instead of allowing yourself to choose you, that’s why you are cold in the darkness now) you assume a "new fire" can be lit so you can again find that feeling.
But you also have instinct telling you not to leave the original fire, so instead of leaving, you sneak out and return to find warmth and return back after. Not to sit at your fire, you stay punished in the room that can’t be warmed and sits in the dark. But you don’t abandon the base because it still has the good things your subconscious knows and wants.
And by merging the two you can actually retriever the chemistry because you build a version of yourself that feels like "you are choosing yourself again" but isn’t.
You choose the simulation of it and between the projection of the safety you had and the fantasy you indulge, retrievers the chemistry momentarily.
But it fades right after because it’s not solid is is engineered with self deception.
You don’t find yourself, you find the mask of the "happy you" and even if you wear it and sports a smile, your face behind is still crying and lost.
That’s why the chemistry doesn’t stick. And our brain being what they are we hijack our reward system making ourself like an addict.
And then the spiral begins.
I wrote this to expand a bit on what I said earlier, being a going with the flow Freeform fuckery in a foreign language I can hope it’s coherent enough because I don’t have time to review it and give it some better structure.
However , I speak of those things we feel so i trust you can still make sense of what I mean by intuition.
But it was fun to go through.
[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 8:21 AM, Sunday, November 15th]
