My story is the most toxic and horrible one. How do i live my life from this?
I was in a common-law relationship when i met my AP. I was unhappy with my CLP and i believe he's belittling, disrespecting and controlling me. I want an escape. We have 2 daughters. I want to prove something to myself and save money because he doesn't give me anything. His money is only his. I wanted him to experience the struggles and hardships in taking care of our kids because i felt like he's not pulling his weight. So i left, leaving my kids with him. This i should have not done! But i did! I did not plan to have an affair but i met AP. Changed everything. AP treated me so well with love and respect. We were very happy for 2years. I still have communication with my CLP and we were never okay but everytime i remember how tough he's been going through in taking care of our kids made me guilty of what i did. AP showed me so much love that i wanted to be with him. After 2years, i decided to go back and see my kids. My plan was to get my kids from their father but they didn't want to come with me. They know nothing about my AP and when i saw them, my heart was shattered. I was struck by so much guilt. My CLP was crying so much that i don't know what to do. He never had an affair, that's he and his family said and i believe him too because of how he took care of the kids. I was scared that he would know about my AP. His family is blaming me why i left and wanted us to fix things. I was so vulnerable and could not think properly. I don't want them to know what i did because i don't want them to blame me and would say anything to my kids. I want to protect me and AP.
I have a 2-month vacation. Because of the guilt and shame i felt, i slept with my CLP to prove to CLP i have no one. I made them believe that we're okay but in my mind, i cannot stop thinking about my AP. I did tell my AP what is going on because i want to be honest with him. I don't want my family to blame my AP because it's all my fault so i hide that i have an AP. But AP did not accept what happened. For him, i abandoned him. But for me i didn't in my heart. He hurt himself and i didn't know what to do that time. I did not know anything much about AP, he never took me to his place. Never introduced to any family member or friends. He always tells me, he has no one. When he sent me his picture that he hurt himself, there were 2 other people telling me what happened but they both are using my AP mobile number. They never called, they just sent messages. I was confused and in doubt if it's real. They want me to stop what i am doing with my CLP but i don't know how. So i continued with a conviction that after this, it won't happen again. That i won't go back with my CLP anymore. But AP thought i was punishing him for what i am doing and i did not realize that.
When 2months was over i returned and contacted AP right away. I told him i don't have the guts to see him. I was guilty and ashamed. I asked for sorry but he pushed me away. He was sick and lost weight. I felt so horrible. Now, i have double guilt. What i did was cruel and inhumane both for my family that i destroyed and my AP. I thought me and AP would end. But we didn't. AP stayed with me and endured another 2years with me being hidden. We see each other almost everyday in secret. I did many things to him that i thought he understood because in my mind i am doing this for us to be together in the end. I just want everything to be in place so that when he comes out in the open, no one will blame him. But i failed to realized that i am hurting him so much. Many times we tried to end our relationship but we kept on coming back together again. Many times i pushed him away because i don't know how to deal with him and he could not get past what i did with CLP. I told him that our relationship started on the wrong foot but he could not understand because for him when i told him i want to escape from CLP, my relationship with CLP has ended. For another 2 years, me and AP continued our relationship and i totally ended my relationship with CLP because i wanted to be with AP. CLP after few months of ending our relationship got married. I was happy because i prayed for it, that CLP would find someone to make him happy and i would not be guilty anymore. My kids are still with him and even if i wanted to get them, i cannot give them the comfortable life they have with their father. I thought me and AP were going strong and on the right track because he proposed for marriage as well this year and i gladly accepted it. Due to my work, we were not able to see each other everyday. We only see each other on the weekend. When i met AP, he was broke and had nothing. I stayed with him and encouraged him to pursue his goals. Eventually, he got an amazing job that made him travel in different countries. His travelling and us not seeing each other that much changed everything.
Suddenly, AP relived the past. He said he could not forgive me for what i have done. He can't be with me anymore. He said our relationship ended when i slept again with CLP. But he didn't leave me that time. I just cannot understand why he stayed and even proposed for marriage when he's unsure. This is so devastating for me. I lost everything and i considered this as the most tragic event in my life. I gave up my family for him though i know my end did not justify the means. The way it was done was very wrong. I have been contemplating for suicide for i don't know how to deal with all these. The guilt, shame and regret is eating me up everyday. I could not sleep nor eat properly. I know what i did was horrible. I want to be a better person.
I am not asking for sympathy because i know i don't deserve any. I just want help and advise how to get through this. I have been praying and reading the bible but i would always tell myself that i am the one who betrayed and inflicted harm. How can i receive grace and mercy? I am looking for a counsellor to help me but i just got no luck finding an affordable one. I am in desperate need of help.
