SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We got married December 2,2021, I was 22 and he was 29. 

We had a baby girl on February 12, 2023. 

Got pregnant a second time but my husband convinced me that we needed to wait and have an abortion, I did that on November 25, 2024. Worst decision I ever made!

And how I got in trouble was with a guy from the gym. I started to kind of think about him more often just a month after my abortion. I don't blame the abortion on me being stupid, but I seriously wasn't doing all that good mentally and I wasn't really all that big of a fan of my husband during this time. 

It was February 22, 2025 when I cheated on my husband. I felt I needed the escape, I felt like I needed to be loved, I felt like I needed my body to become mine again, and yet when it was over I felt horrible and dirty and dead. I told myself that I would NEVER EVER EVER DO THAT AGAIN and to stay away from him and make myself believe that I NEVER DID IT! 

It was June 23, 2025 when I had sex with him again. Why I found myself back with him was because of a dumb argument I had with my husband, and the first thing I did was contacting GYM GUY and getting together with him the next morning. I felt dirty the entire time I was with him, and this time I basically walked away when it was over.
 
I joined this group on July 25th, but it took me all this time before I got myself to type something on here and ADMIT that I cheated on my husband. 

I still have not told my husband. I do love him, and I do regret what I did, but I can't get myself to tell him the truth. Our sex life is honestly much better, maybe because I convinced myself that I do love him and do want to be with him, but it still hurts that I cheated on him twice.

I have read several topics on here, some say to say nothing and some say to speak the truth. I just don't know.

My thought process was like yours: "What he doesn’t know can’t hurt him. I’ll take this to my grave, even if the guilt eats me alive; it’s more selfish to confess to relieve that guilt if it’ll hurt him worse."

But he did find out, and he was especially hurt that I didn’t confess my cheating myself. He wishes I would have. He says that if I had, we would feel more sure that I wanted the affair to stop and to stay with him, rather than that I only stopped the A because I got caught and giving it up is the "price of keeping him" and the comforts of our life together. That’s not true at all, but I don’t have much in the way of disproving it now.

I don’t know your situation specifically, or what your H would prefer to happen. The only thing I would say is that if you’re not 1000% certain he will never find out (and I’m not sure how you can be unless everyone who knows about it like, dies, and your phone records are destroyed) and would not want to know, then confess. Keeping it secret for longer just means more dishonesty is required.

Edited to add: there’s always the possibility he suspects it already. We are not always as good at lying as we think we are.

[This message edited by DayByDay96 at 6:22 PM, Monday, September 8th]

Hello and welcome. It takes a lot of courage to finally post and I'm glad that you did.

We recently had another member here who self-disclosed his A. I told him what I'm going to tell you. I wish I had had the courage to do the same.

I was a serial cheater. I had what I too swore was "the last one" (long PA) that ended in November of 2018. A few days after it ended, I dressed for work but called in sick. Drove around aimlessly for most of the morning before stopping at a local park to finally make the phone call to my employer's EAP (employee assistance program). I ending up making my initial appointment with my therapist that day, whom I'm still with all these years later. In fact, I'm seeing him today for my monthly check-in.

IC was really brutal at first, having to face the man in the mirror for the first time in my life. Those weekly sessions were tough and I really wasn't listening because my mind was still in the fog and insanity of my double life. I was continuing to speak with a longtime EAP off and on while trying to work on myself. Needless to say, that wasn't going well.

Fast forward a month and I was back on Tinder just before Christmas. Started another brief PA with a married AP (so much for the previous PA being "the last one"). I was sitting in so much pain (pain of my own making), ignoring my therapist and trying to self-medicate with my usual avoidant tendencies. That PA ended just after New Year's but I was still talking off and on with my longtime EAP.

The EA ended in May when I finally cut things off and went NC. The fog had been lifting for some time and I finally got my head out of my ass. My therapist had been pushing me hard to self-disclose to my BW but good ol' cowardly, avoidant Skip was refusing to do so. I kept rationalizing that I was 'preparing myself' but I was simply too terrified to tell her.

Well, my scorned EAP did it for me with an anonymous letter addressed to my BW. I was confronted with it on D-Day and my entire secret world, as well as our marriage at that time, went up in flames.

My wife has stated that there were 2 things that helped her decide to give me a chance at R: 1) I was already in IC for 6 months at the time and she was finally starting to see changes in my actions and 2) I confessed and timelined EVERYTHING on D-Day and in the immediate days after.

But she also said that she wished I would have told her myself. Getting that letter from EAP was beyond devastating and she had to sit with it for a few days before confronting me because of how gutting it was.

All of this to say: Please don't carry this around or think you will somehow carry it to the grave. The truth will out. It always does. Find yourself an IC who can guide you and don't drag your feet like I did.

I wish you and your BH healing and peace.