SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm about a month since dday, not married, no kids. We've been together for 8.5 years. I found out WP had cheated on me a few times through out relationship. They are very remorseful, sought counselling and therapy and trying to turn their life around.

There are a few thoughts and questions I'm struggling with and I understand therapy might answer some, but they are things that I would like to have an idea on before deciding to R or not to R. If any of you have faced them, please let me know how you dealt or processed it.

1. I'm don't really feel the same for the WP anymore, the love is gone after finding out, does reconciliation only work if there is a feeling there and not just marriage or kids?

2. I'm struggling to name any good things about WP right now, did any of you struggle with this and did it improve as time went on?

3. Going forwards, I don't know what the WP would bring to the relationship, okay, they might be a better person and healed, but what's in it for me?

4. Why don't I find someone else? Why stay with someone who I hate and is the cause of my trauma?

5. When would I ever work on myself? If I was to reconcile with WP, I don't feel like I want to put the work in to change for them as I would someone new. But I realise the problems in the relationship before would still be there, and part of that I need to change. How can I do this, and at what point in the process would I be willing to?

Thank you for your replies in advance.

I'm gonna cut to the chase.

Not married. No kids. No love. It's over.

Walk away.

Welcome to SI. I'm going to refer you to the JFO (Just Found Out) forum to read the pinned posts and the ones with bull's eye icons. The Healing Library has a lot of great information and includes the list of acronyms we use.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be helpful. Bonus points if they also do infidelity betrayal trauma.

Your SO (wayward partner) sounds like a serial cheater. They usually don't have the fortitude to do the work to become a safe partner.

R (reconciliation) works if both partners are in it 100%. Your SO has a lot of work to do to find their whys.

Yoo work on yourself to heal your trauma.

While there are some partners who do the work to become a safe partner, there are others who don't. My XWH didn't do the work so we are D after 34 years of M. Don't be me. Leave while you can.

You don’t stay with a cheater based on your list. Most of those are "it’s over" signs.

You do not work on yourself for the cheater (if you decide to Reconcile). At least I did not. I worked in myself to figure out IF I can reconcile and WHY I want to.

It was NEVER for the kids. Reconciliation for the kids was never something I would consider. My H was either all in and making amends and accepting full responsibility for his affair OR I was Divorcing him.

I suggest working on you to get a clearer understanding of YOUR needs and what you see in your future. One benefit of my therapy due to my H’s affair was I stopped being a doormat. I finally learned to stand my ground.

I came to a place where I am good with him or without him. If he cheats on me again there is no conversation, he just needs to pack his things and move on.

I would suggest that you find a good supportive counselor who specializes in infidelity. And give it a few months to get an exit strategy or plan in place. And if you decide to end the relationship, then you tell him.

But before telling the cheater, get your ducks in a row.

Your work is to process the feelings that come with being betrayed - anger, grief, fer, shame, etc. - out of your body. That often surfaces resistances to processing the feelings, and the best thing you can do for yourself is to get through the resistances. But you have to do that whether you go or stay.

At a month out, you're probably still in shock, and it's common not to know which way you want to go. I think you're asking important questions. Be honest in answering them. Don't let fear or anger rule your decisions - consider as much as you can.

Some people will tell you to forgive and stay; others will tell you to split. You have a free choice here. As Rick Nelson sang, 'You see, you can't please everyone, so you've got to please yourself'.

For me, the only reason to ever stay is to aim for a better, stronger relationship.

The first step, sounds like you have it down, and that's not holding on to any specific outcome.

When you know your value, know what you want and heal from the pain of betrayal, that's when you'll know for sure HOW you want to move forward.

Those thoughts aside, we never owe a last chance and if you're done, you're done -- nothing wrong with that decision at all.

I think you should start with the last question and see where it leads you. I'm a firm believer that if you can get right with yourself, everything else will start to fall into place.

You're struggling to decide whether you should R with a person you don't like, have no love for, and don't know what they would bring to a relationship. What's the struggle about? That's what counseling, or some self-help reading, can help you figure out. Make sure you're not applying the sunk cost fallacy to your situation.

I'm gonna cut to the chase.

Not married. No kids. No love. It's over.

Walk away.

I completely agree. Plus you don’t seem to find any positive thing within you for this partner.
I loved my husband even if he cheated. We had been together more than 30 years and had created a family.

Yours is completely another story and in my opinion not worth the HUGE EFFORT reconciliation requires. It might have been an exit strategy for him and the chance you were waiting for to walk away.

Not all couples are worth salvaging.