SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

In 2003 my fiance left me. Mostly my fault. For a week almost i tried finding her ,calling everyone we know. It turned out she was with a so called friend because she didn't know where to go. We finally talked and I promised things will be better. She will be my priority and we will get our own place. We got married , bought a house and moved . Since then it's been an amazing time. I love her deeply. She was an answer to my prayers.

I was just told by my " so called " friend that he was sleeping with her before we got married. And that she told him I was not treating her like she should be. She denies it ( obviously ) but swears to God she didn't sleep with him. He is known liar but the optics look bad. She is a good woman that believes strongly in God and goes to church. She swears under God's name she didn't sleep with him. But I'm struggling with it. Finding out the details after all these years feels like it's happening now. Details I didn't know about. Some of what he told me , she said happened but she , as previously mentioned totally denies the sexual aspect. This hurts badly. I'm confused and hurt. Since we married I know she's been loyal, but I have doubts about when she left. And it breaks my heart. What do I do ?

Why did friend tell you about this now? Some friend.

Are you worried she’s seeing him now? Or someone else?

Otherwise, let it go. It was 20 years ago, she probably thought you two were done, she was probably feeling very insecure, and most importantly, she left him and came back to you.

Don’t let perfection be the enemy of good.

In the blue corner we have a woman that I have known for over 20 years and who came back to me despite me doing stuff that made her leave. A woman who has been the answer to my prayers and hasn’t given me cause to doubt her.
In the red corner we have a "so called" friend who is a known liar who has some need to NOW – after 20 years of silence – to reach out and hurt me.

Hmm...
Frankly – if you NEED to know (and I can get that) then let your wife know that if this happened – if they had sex, made out, gave him oral... whatever... – then NOW is the time to tell you because you can handle the truth. If it turns out she did, the two of you can work things out. BUT if she didn’t... she better tell you knowing that if you later learn she’s lying then THAT will cause more damage than the act itself.
But... if she says no, I’m placing my money on the blue corner.

Let go. You have a loving wife, a great marriage. Do not let an outsider ruin it. Whatever she did, or did not do, is so far in the past. Stop obsessing over something you can never know for sure.

My husband cheated while traveling. I was eventually told. I was a young mother, dependent on my husband for finances so I chose to box it up and store in the back part of my brain. When I confronted him years later he said yes. I have never asked another question. Don’t know if it was one time or many. I am not interested in what he was then. I am very happy he is the person he is. Digging would make us both miserable. I choose joy and the pleasure of his company.

Thank you everyone. Your comments help. Really help. I know she hasn't cheated since we been married. She's been an amazing wife. We had issues when we first met. She had a bad relationship as did I.

Thank you again.

I can't get thoughts out of my head. That's what is really getting me crazy...

She was my prayers answered and the thought of her sleeping with him is destroying me...

I think you need some therapy to help you overcome obsessive thoughts. Frankly, I don’t think you have anything close to good evidence to support your doubts, but I don’t think anyone can convince you not to have doubts even if we all see them as unreasonable. Shirley Glass in her book, Not Just Friends, has a chapter on how to cope with obsessions. You can try her book. But again, you sound like you need expert assistance. Find a therapist who helps trauma victims. As for your dirt bag friend, I wouldn’t believe him if he had his tongue notarized.

Did you think you were her "one and only"?

If so, I get the pain of her giving that away.

But, think of this: When she was with him, the comparison wasn’t good. She was thinking, "It was better with Lost and Hurt."

And to this day, she remembers that. You should, too.

The question is, as you know, 'Who's lying?'

What would convince you of her truthfulness? My reco is to follow Bigger's advice and perhaps us a polygraph. - this is one type of concern in which I'd trust a polygraph, even though I generally see them as superfluous.

And check out Shakespeare's Othello.

In the Talmud, some decisions are based on oaths - vows to God. If your W is truly religious, I'd be swayed by your W's appeal to God.

If the preponderance of evidence is that your 'friend' is lying, then the problem is your obsessing. It may be that down deep, you don't think you deserve a loving, faithful W - but that's ony one of many possible reasons you're obsessing. If you can't stop obsessing on your own, a good IC can help.

Bumping back on top after a SPAM attack.

L&H,

Did you consider a polygraph?

Your friend is a known liar. Hmmmm…….

I would hate to see you damage your marriage by putting more weight or reliance on someone other than your wife.

I had a jerk in college who I thought was my friend. Turns out he told everyone we slept together. We certainly never did but how could I disprove it?

Nothing I could do.

And I fear your wife is in the same position. I know people suggest a polygraph test for her. But I just hope that does not destroy her faith in you.

Good morning everyone, appreciate all the advice.

I won't ask my wife for a polygraph. Deep down I do believe her. The thought is what's driving me insane. I may be wrong and a fool though. The optics of what happened is bad. The so called friend has a habit of wanting everything I have had and a habit of doing everything I do. We haven't talked in a few years because his true colors came out.

He did take my then fiance with him when she left me. The time line of events support what he says. And the wife thought he was a " friend "? This is so confusing and heartbreaking.

How can I stop the thoughts from ruining my marriage?? Even if she did do it , I don't want to lose her but these thoughts won't go away and it makes my mood change drastically..... Just the thought is breaking my heart into pieces..

Once again, you are obsessing. You could benefit from therapy by a trauma expert to learn how to cope with your obsessive thoughts. I wouldn’t credit your dirtbag friend’s allegation by asking anyone for a polygraph, even the dirtbag. On the off chance that your wife is reading this, she could take a poly without you knowing about it. When she passes she can then give you the report. If she fails, the polygrapher will keep her secret.