SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Married 15 years with kids, I’ve been clear about boundaries in marriage, one of which was no exchange of cell phone to female coworkers or have female coworker friends. He does have some female coworkers in his phone, who I personally know and it’s supervises that he may need to call if he’s calling off etc.

Went through his phone, didn’t recognize name, in text messages,

women asked how are you guys doing?

He replied, better, it was hard time she was always nagging and in a bad mood and I just didn’t know what was going on.

She replied, yeah I’ve gone through the same with my husband, good you guys are better.

He replied, thank you.

No other messages

Confronted him, he said it was a coworker who he confided in a few months ago when he and I were going through a rough patch that last 1.5months of arguments. I explained how I felt betrayed, upset and many other feelings that not only did he hide this communication with her, he crossed a specific boundary, and was basically trash talking about me in a difficult time in our marriage.

He apologized and said he knew it was wrong so messages were deleted, but really needed to vent. There was no other relationship with her, and it was mostly about the hard path we went through, not many other conversations with this female.

I’m turned off, feel disrespected, told him he lost his trust, he has poor decision making and that this is not what I want to be going through at this point in our lives. I don’t need betrayal and unease, he’s continuing to apologize and assure me nothing happens aside from those texts and how he doesn’t want to loose me or break up the family. He’s also giving me time as I said I needed time to process this.

[This message edited by chica1 at 4:10 AM, Friday, February 28th]

I’m so sorry that you had to find us. Please make sure to take care of yourself and put yourself first in all of this. Do what you need. You’ve come to a great place for support.

Yes, you are right to feel betrayed by his behavior. He knew it wasn’t okay—that’s why he hid it. He opened a door to your relationship for a stranger in exchange for some kind of connection. My WH did this as well. He sold our love and trust in order to use me as a pretext for indulging in an emotional relationship with another woman.

Anyone here will tell you that people don’t just "need to talk about their spouse and marriage" with someone of the opposite sex. It is a way of advertising that there’s an opening there, that the marriage is vulnerable. It’s also a way of excusing and rationalizing the bonding—we were both in a bad place, we didn’t plan it, we just bonded over shared experience (of having shitting spouses that didn’t appreciate us). Whatever ultimately did or didn’t happen, they were both signaling availability and interest. Without your knowledge, he was triangulating with another woman in your relationship without your knowledge.

I know personally that, no matter what does or doesn’t happen between them, the fact that he would complain about you and share your personal life and marital strife with another woman without your consent or knowledge is devastating and yes, a complete violation of trust. It is hard to recover from. I know became very guarded about what I shared with my WH because I just didn’t trust him not to violate my privacy anymore.

This is not a simple thing to recover from. Loss of trust, deception, hiding and betrayal are truly devastating and take a lot to recover from. Give yourself grace and time. He should really get some individual counseling to figure out why his boundaries were so weak and why he didn’t hesitate to violate your privacy and trust to bond with someone else in any sense. You might want to consider seeing someone for your own support and healing too.

He decided to do this without your knowledge or input. This is his shit to figure out. Take all the time you need to take care of yourself right now, and watch and wait to see what he does to address his own issues and become a more trustworthy and loyal spouse. You don’t have to do anything right now but breathe and take care of yourself.

So sorry that you're back to post in the JFO forum. What kind of support can we provide? Is this a hard boundary where you might think that D is best, or do you want to continue working on the relationship? NowWhat makes some valid points.

This is so tough,

I’m so sorry.

He was walking a slippery slope. I’d say it’s an emotional affair at least, and for some that’s a deal breaker.

He definitely needs to figure his shit out.

Take care of you. Listen to your gut. Tell us how we can help.