SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

A little background on us first-
We have been happily married 25 years, and we have 2 daughters who are 22 and 24. The youngest just moved out, so
we are officially empty nesters. My wife took this kind of hard. Plus, she turns 50 in April, which is also
hitting her hard. She used to always work remotely, but started a job in November where she has to drive into
work every day. Her job is in a very much male-dominated profession.

Anyhow, there has been several questionable things that have happened lately that make me think she might be
cheating. I'll give you a few for instance. Like, she started going to bed before me now and she brings her phone
with her. The other night I went into our room like 5 minutes after her, and she was typing something, but then
deleted the screen as soon as she saw me. She said she was shopping online of course. Why go to the bedroom early
to do that, right? My wife comes home an hour and a half late from work 2 days a week now - she says they offered a
yoga class at her job (something she has never had interest in before). A month or so ago when she came home late,
I happened to be taking the garbage out to the street as she arrived. I realized on her late nights, she drives
down our street from the opposite way from where her route from the office would take her. Okay. There are just so
many little things like that.
I won't get into details here, but my wife has also started doing different things in bed with me when we are intimate,
things she never used to do with me. Oh - I was gone over a Saturday night recently, and when I came home my wife was
washing our sheets - even though we just did that the day before. She said she spilled something on them. Okay.

Here is the issue though...I know my wife would never leave our family and our home for a guy she is having a fling
with. Plus, a divorce would cost her a lot of money since she makes quite a bit more than me, and our home is
completely paid off. And honestly, before the holidays she was SO moody and crabby. But now she seems genuinely
happy again.

I will admit, I have not been a good husband when it comes to sex. And I realize she has needs.
This will sound crazy, but when we ARE intimate now, it is like I try harder, and I am more attentive to her needs
since I have "competition"? I will not say it is a turn on to think about another man being in my bed, but we are
having more sex than we used to have, and we seem closer now as a couple than we have in years.
Could being cheated on ever be a good thing?

I guess my options are A - confront her and cause drama if I am wrong. B- confront her and cause drama if I am right.
Or C - just let this play out and eventually it will end.

Hi jd and welcome to this club I hate having to welcome people to. But then, IF your marriage is dealing with infidelity then this is about as good a place to be as you can.

Infidelity hurts. That’s why I don’t look at stories like yours and count the red flags and state them as proof or evidence she’s cheating. And yes – there are red flags, and generally red flags AT LEAST indicate something is off. But it could be a number of things – infidelity included. I would want you to do more research before jumping to the worst conclusion you could.

My suggestions?
Infidelity takes communications. If she’s cheating she needs to communicate with OM in some form or way. Even if this is a work-affair chances are she won’t be talking openly about it with OM at the job. They probably think nobody knows, and want to keep it that way. Texting and messaging doesn’t always cut it. They want to talk. So where would she talk? Generally somewhere she feels safe.
Like in the car – the commute to and from work is probably where and when most feel safe to talk about anything. Go get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and hide it in some place where it can pick up conversations. Do your due diligence – learn how to operate it, make sure there is no peep or red light when recording and place it where it can pick up conversations. Chances are you can even use your phone and some app.
Place an apple-tag or something of that sort on her vehicle. Mabe even an old smart-phone with some tracking or location service. Where is it parked at lunch? What about the overtime period? Or the yoga classes? See any pattern? Like if she parks outside the Sunnyside Motel to do "yoga" then maybe be at the Sunnyside Motel next Wednesday for her next "class".

Look at the finances. Any charges you don’t understand? Like why is she having lunch in the east side of town where you two seldom go? Or why is she withdrawing cash from the ATM in the lobby of a hotel? Any charges for things you aren’t seeing? Like from a sex shop, lingerie shop or even a chemist.

Give yourself time. If you do even one of the above I think you will have found out if she’s cheating within a week. Or not... only remember if you don’t find anything within a reasonable time, then maybe she isn’t cheating.

One final thing: Let’s say you do find the smoking gun. Keep in mind you don’t have to prove anything to her. You don’t have to wave your evidence to prove to her that she’s cheating. All you need to do is be convinced yourself. So don’t play the recordings or show the tracking (might even be illegal in your area). Heck... you can even lie "I got an anonymous letter and I followed it up".

I know you don’t think so, and maybe you’re right, but there’s option D, she leaves you. "Exit" affairs are common.

And there’s option E, she brings home an STD that kills you.

And there’s option F, which is she loses all respect for you, and you for her, and your home life becomes a misery.

So, letting it "run its course" is not risk free.

Sorry you’re here. Best wishes.

[This message edited by Formerpeopleperson at 2:04 PM, Friday, February 28th]

If you want to confirm follow Bigger’s advice. Except for the airtag. If she has an iPhone it may detect it and rat you out.

You could also install cameras or hire a PI and go on another overnight. I’d recommend the PI, he can id the guy so you can inform his wife. If he’s coming to your home, it’s probably because he’s married.

Informing the other betrayed spouse isn’t just the right thing to do, it’s also the quickest way to end the affair. No matter your wayward wife’s motives, he’s probably just in it for the nsa sex. When he’s faced with losing half of his shit and going 50/50 with the kids 9/10 he’s going throw your WW under the bus. That can be a real educational moment.

Don't let her know you know or she will take it underground and double up on hiding it. Get the goods so you can get a complete confession, instead of years of lies, omissions and minimization

Time to keep quiet and gather evidence.
Hide video cameras in your house.
GPS her car.
Hide VAR in her car.

It appears you have a WW.

Where there is smoke, there's fire. Trust your gut!

Sorry you find yourself here but glad you found us. I was in denial for many many months and chose C just hoping it plays out and ends. C is not a viable option because it will only get worse. I dismissed many red flags and when the dust settled she had many EA's PA's and ONS's. You have to confront this head on, gather evidence and take your life back.

Sorry that you’re here. Pay attention to the advice you’re going to be given. It can save you from more pain than you can imagine. Is there any way you can be near her work on her Yoga nights and keep an eye on her car? I’m guessing that will settle this for you. Stay strong.

Sorry you're here.
An affair is not bringing you closer. She is now having her cake and eating it too.

There's about a 95% chance she's having an affair and a REALLY good chance she's doing so in your home. Get a VAR or 2. Very easy to use. 1 in her car, 1 in the bedroom. Go on an overnighter even if you crash at a friend's place or stay at a hotel. Turn your phone location off.

Gather the evidence first. Then proceed.

As others have said. Do not accuse or confront until you have hard evidence! If that requires you to hire a PI, then do so. They can be worth their weight in gold.

It sounds like you have a good gut feeling about this. It usually starts with them doing something different than what you consider normal in the day to day routine. The going to bed early and catching her on the phone and she deletes the screen is the next clue that something is wrong.They have a tendency to be glued to their phones even when they go to the bathroom or hide them.If she’s trying different things in the bedroom after all these years this is strange and would make you think what’s going on with her right now.The yoga class and coming home a different way and the late nights after work would increase suspicion that she is up to something.Don’t confront her with this until you get more proof because if she is up to no good they’ll take it underground since you’re aware of it.All that you described was my wife to a tee shortly after turning 50 .We had what I thought was a pretty good marriage but she decided she wanted a boyfriend .She joined a spin class and that’s when everything turned to shit.Our house is paid off and everything financially was looking good.Never thought she’d leave me and our daughter,but that’s where I am at the moment going through divorce after being together 37 years and married almost 25.Sorry for what you’re going through and hope it’s nothing.

Your wife would not be the first to step out when at a major birthday milestone. For some women, this is how a midlife crisis pans out - they want to see if they still "got it". You need to wake up, as you seem to think "it’s not so bad, since she’s not leaving me, and the sex is better". If you don’t mind sharing your wife, with her learning all kinds of new sex positions from another man in your bed while you’re not home, who am I to judge? Then carry on. If so, you should at least set ground rules with your wife, like mandatory condom use (although over time they almost always ignore this).

If on the other hand adultery bothers you (hint: it should!) then if you are in ANY way able to afford it, hire a PI and let them gather the hard evidence. As with others: NEVER confront until you have undeniable evidence. Once you have hard evidence, share it with the OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse) and this adultery will get permanently shut down. Never tell your wife you’re contacting OBS. If she later demands to know why you shared with her, without you telling your wife ahead of time, you’ll know she’s still in contact with OM.

I would also deeply suggest IC (individual counseling). We’ve all needed it, including me, at times. I suspect you may be suffering from codependency issues, as I once did. Don’t let fear drive your choices. IC will help stop that.

Keep posting!

There already IS drama in your life, and you seem to be choosing the passive route to handling it.

The thing is: the less passive you are now, the better you'll feel about yourself, and the easier it will be for you to heal, and the sooner you'll be able to dump the anxiety about her cheating.

Among other things, outcome C - hoping your W will stop on her own - still leaves you with a cheater, when you really need a good partner.

What's wrong with telling your W that your gut is telling you she's cheating and waiting for her to respond? What's wrong with telling her your gut says she's cheating and asking her straight if she is cheating?

What's wrong with telling your W that your gut is telling you she's cheating and waiting for her to respond? What's wrong with telling her your gut says she's cheating and asking her straight if she is cheating?

If she’s like most betrayers, she will deny, lie, gaslight, demand evidence, and with none, potentially (verbally) beat him up for daring to accuse her, then take the infidelity underground, making proof that much more difficult to obtain. No judgment here, but as you said yourself sisoon, he’s passive. He may well also be codependent. You think he will stand firm when she denies?

Sorry, but does anybody else here think it’s wise to make such a major accusation without hard evidence / proof?

Sorry, but does anybody else here think it’s wise to make such a major accusation without hard evidence / proof?

No, for all of your reasons but just as importantly, she may be innocent.

Also when you get proof do not confront your WW.
Better to get council here first from those that have already been there.

Those hooves don’t belong to zebras.

We all know the "tells" of our partners. Her’s are clanging.

Get a PI. They know what they are doing and they have no emotion in this.
If you know an atty who uses them ask for a recommendation.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 9:12 PM, Saturday, March 1st]

And if you go with option C, and let it run its course, why won’t she do it again the next time she gets that exciting approach. It’s fun and nothing bad happens.

So you're "competing" when she could possibly be having unprotected sex and transmit disease which could ruin your life?

Maybe you need to be taking this a bit more seriously than aww I'm helpless..