SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have read almost all the positive stories on reconciliation but most are after affairs. My WS had some sort of breakdown during Covid . I think being isolated and not on the fast track of business travelling, he could no longer hide from his demons. He escalated his porn use ( in our home with our family here 😡) and eventually ended up seeking out escorts ~3x summer 2023. I really am not up to hearing " oh there’s more" comments because people get stuck there. I’m confident I know the gruesome truth. The trickle truth was he had watched porn for most of his entire adult life without my knowledge usually while on business trips away…sometimes more sometimes less. I can now see how that affected his moods and the way he treat the family. We separated a few months ago after DDay 2 when I found porn on his computer after a business trip. That and he lied about porn usage ( initially) then admitted he had been using again for about 3 months. He separated the escorts as being worse than porn and felt it was not " really infidelity" even though it is all part of the lifestyle. I know what it would eventually lead to— so I threw him out. In the past two months he is in a 12 step, weekly IC and deeply remorseful and working on himself. I love my husband and won’t tolerate this behavior.…..he says he is going to heal and continue to work on himself and wants reconciliation. Obviously it’s too sooon…..and the naysayers are loud !( he will never change , etc etc). I’m looking for consistency long term consistency. I’d love to hear from anyone who has been in my situation….weve been married 25 yrs….90% of it was loving and happy

7 hours without a response, so ....

I think R & D are about securing your best future. Does he look and sound like someone who is changing from cheater to good partner?

Can you live with one who betrayed you? My guess is that you can and you want to. This is the most important question to answer, but I think you're answering it, so I started with a 2ndary consideration.

Do you want your WS or do you want to avoid dealing with issues related to D? Choosing R to avoid issues seems like a lousy reason to R, IMO.

So we are not considered reconciled.
Not by his choice but mine. We are 18 months past d day and I can tell you that if a man wants to change, he can change.

when I met my H 13 years ago I discovered he was a porn addict …. After I found out I was pregnant with his child. I begged and begged him to stop but in his mind it was just porn. He would try to put it in the background on tv of normal day life with me… wtf. Not okay.
Fast forward 3 years we had another daughter and I stopped looking for it, he asked me to marry him and I accepted and we had yet another daughter. All the while my gut was screaming at me. I would find evidence that he was still looking at it, but I would tell myself he still loved me. Fast-forward eight years later, we had another daughter, and then a year later a son. He acted strangely about a year after our son was born and I couldn’t point my finger at it. He became distant he became rougher in the bedroom, and I eventually found out he was having an affair with a coworker. He gaslit me and he hurt me in so many ways I couldn’t even put it into words. It was all my fault. He connected with her on a different level. She was nicer to him, blah blah, blah blah blah. The first two months were hell. We had so much trickle truth I thought I would die. I wanted to die.

The last part of the story he told me was he was a porn addict. He admitted to snorting cocaine with her before he would admit that.. since 13 he had a problem. Immediately he found a porn blocker for his phone. I remember looking at his YouTube history and calling him out shortly after the blocker. He was searching movie scenes with sex… he cried and it was embarrassing for him and for me. We kept at it. He is now over a year sober but it was hard. Lots and lots of patience and IC and God (we are religious). It took almost losing his entire life to admit he had a problem.

I’ve lost a ton of respect for him and I don’t know if I’ll get it back. I keep telling myself he’s changed so much but it doesn’t take the pain away. I don’t look at his history anymore , he got a new phone and the first thing he did was download his porn blocker. When people want to change, they do. Why does it take them so long? I don’t know. Our sex life is a thousand percent different , his relationship with his kids is different , he wants to advocate, and he wants to help others with addictions he struggled with.

I joined a in person infidelity group and im two sessions in. 18 months post dday and im finally realizing he was the one broken. I could have been and you could have been a super model and it wouldn’t have stopped them. They have to want to be a better version of themselves and then pray to God we can move past it.

He is healing, he is changing , he found God and found that his family was everything once he put the porn down.

Can I forgive? Can you forgive and move past? I don’t know.

Yes, absolutely people can change , my husband is proof (so far).

I’m still stuck.

So would I. That certainly is not us. If there is a happily reconciled story out there - please share.

So I had my IC session yesterday and she said this—- folks who have happily reconciled aren’t poking around on SI! They are living their lives and happier ….people do put this behind them and move on, she has seen this

Sisoon

I think R & D are about securing your best future. Does he look and sound like someone who is changing from cheater to good partner?

Can you live with one who betrayed you? My guess is that you can and you want to. This is the most important question to answer, but I think you're answering it, so I started with a 2ndary consideration.

Do you want your WS or do you want to avoid dealing with issues related to D? Choosing R to avoid issues seems like a lousy reason to R, IMO.

Yea…I see him changing

Can I live with it? Waiting to see, unsure

As far as D, I have made steps- we are seeing a mediator so we have a signed settlement. If I file I can’t until atleast Aug.

I am hopeing for the best, preparing for the worst

Can I live with it? Waiting to see, unsure

For anyone who Rs, that's part of the process. It takes a long time for new self-talk to take hold permanently, and there's always a risk of stress bring up old habits.

You sound like you're making peace with that requirement. You can ask BSes who have R'ed how they handle the risk. People have asked just that from time to time. My answer would be: if my W betrays me again, I'll probably be devastated - but I know I have the power to heal myself, and I'm pretty confident I'll use my power for my own benefit. I know I'll heal, and that's what matters most, IMO.

It's a little early for you to understand you'll come to that yourself, but the fact is: you're stronger than you think.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:12 PM, Saturday, April 19th]

I suspect that your therapist is correct that SI skews toward people still working through the effects of infidelity rather than those who have moved on, however one defines that. I know as I get further and further along the road, I feel the urge to come here less and less. But I think there are plenty of people who have healthily reconciled after many types of infidelity who remain here, consistently or sporadically, because they want to help people and pay it forward. I don’t know if you know the user Want2BHappy, but she’s a prime example of that to me. She was INCREDIBLY kind and helpful to me when I came here desperate and devastated. She was at a much later stage of working through things, but I think she saw herself as still in that process. I don’t want to speak for someone else, but I think she’s here only sporadically now because she’s living her best life, reconciled, and moving on to the other joys and trials of normal life.

I don’t have any wisdom to offer when it comes to wrapping my head around recovery from escort infidelity, but I found my own most successful healing happened when I let go of the outcome and tried to stay fully present with myself and observant of my husband in the present moment. I know that’s easier said than done, but you find a lot of clarity and progress if you can quiet the clamor of future possibilities (good and bad), live into your truest self and values, and neutrally, closely observe your spouse in the now.

[This message edited by Grieving at 6:56 PM, Saturday, April 19th]