SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

A month ago my wife admitted that 8 years ago, she kissed a friend of ours, someone we both worked with. Our families took trips together. We have 2 kids, they have 4. She also admitted that a year ago, she slept with him once. I also have to frequently work with AP and from time to time, AP's wife.

She is beginning to do the work. We did the timeline, and that's where I learned it was actually an 8-year-long emotional affair where they made out several times, but still supposedly only had sex once. That sex was the final act of the affair, supposedly.

We are using the Courage to Stay book as our guide. I also have the Not Just Friends and How to Help Your Spouse for her. She is reading it. I've been STD tested and we are both all good there.

She does not want her AP's wife to ever know. I feel that allowing that to remain secret makes me part of their conspiracy. That I condone it. My wife says she doesn't want her to know because AP's wife won't be able to keep it from blowing up. Blowing up for us means my wife and AP lose their jobs (they are public-facing people of trust)...it also means our kids find out, their kids find out, and will likely be one of the biggest scandals my town has seen in a while. So I get why. But it's not right, and I don't feel that she's really ready to move on. I don't want to punish her, but I'm afraid she's just unwilling to accept any negative consequences other than the ones directly between us.

Edited to add: AP sometimes still has to be around my children. My wife has close relationships with AP's children and "hopes that one day I'll just be okay with that."

Sorry if this is scattered or if I've left anything out that was important. I'm still trying to figure out how my body works now that I've been pulled out of the Matrix...

[This message edited by AllThatJazz at 4:01 PM, Monday, July 7th]

You know the AP’s wife. You know your town. We don’t. Of course you will be living with a huge lie but it looks like you are caught between a rock and a hard place.

Concentrate on what you can do and what you are able to do. Get yourself into counseling. Make sure you’re eating properly, not using drugs, or alcohol, and sleeping well. You need to look after your health.

At some point this is going to slam you right in the face. I assume you’re in shock right now but at some point reality is going to show up and you’re going to realize you’ve been lied to for eight years. That’s a very long lie.

Luckily I was already in therapy when this came out. I think that has kept me from doing any major radical reactions yet...but you're right, I'm probably still in shock. Eight years is a very long time. Eight years of deception whenever we had marriage issues. I was trying to solve a math problem for eight years without having all the information to solve it.

Thank you. I just don't know that I can live with that lie. This seems like my "moment" where what I decide truly determines the person I am.

IMHO your wife is in damage control mode and seeking to manage the fallout from this EA/PA and keep the narrative and blowback under her control. I can tell you from personal experience - and given the ongoing contact with OM - you likely will be allowing the affair to go underground and the erosion of your marriage to continue. Who knows what will happen when disclosed to OM’s wife. Perhaps she already knows and accepts it as some political/public spouses do. That simply doesn’t matter. Disclose it to her now, and let the chips fall where they may. All I can say is not disclosing, and remaining in contact, allows an affair to continue. Once a woman is lost to an affair it is very difficult for them to disengage, from what I’ve observed. I think your wife needs to disengage completely from OM, cut the family friendships, leave her job or force him to leave his - and why would you want to tolerate continued contact anyway from this interloper? Don’t be OK with this. Don’t be OK with any of it. Either she ends all contact forever, or she can end all contact with you forever.

Sorry you had need to find this site. Check out the Healing Library here and the pinned posts at the top of this forum.

I feel that allowing that to remain secret makes me part of their conspiracy. That I condone it.

You’re right. Your wayward wife has no right to demand you remain complicit with her affair and keeping the other betrayed spouse in the dark.

My wife says she doesn't want her to know because AP's wife won't be able to keep it from blowing up. Blowing up for us means my wife and AP lose their jobs

She chose to have an affair, but she doesn’t get to choose the consequences. Maybe OBS blows up, or maybe she’s just as aware of what the fallout could mean for her and her children.

Apart from all of the connections between families, is your WW fully and verifiably no contact with her affair partner?

We did the timeline, and that's where I learned it was actually an 8-year-long emotional affair where they made out several times, but still supposedly only had sex once. That sex was the final act of the affair, supposedly.

If you have any doubts about the timeline or no contact you’d be perfectly justified with demanding a polygraph to verify.

AP sometimes still has to be around my children. My wife has close relationships with AP's children and "hopes that one day I'll just be okay with that."

This statement along with her concerns of protecting her AP and herself doesn’t exactly exude remorse.

Yes, Jim, thank you. That is pretty good at describing how I feel and what my options are. I am going to talk to my therapist about it, hopefully today, just in case there are some things I'm not thinking about. I don't think she is still having the affair, but telling AP's wife will probably put a definite stop to it.

ASC, I'm not sure how to "fully and verifiably" ensure she isn't having contact. I guess I understand why BSs do phone checks and all that, but that will seriously just make things much worse. I guess maybe I'm still so shook I just want calm. Hmm. Some things to think about.

Just read your bio that they continue to work together. The trade off for trying to make reconciliation work under those conditions in terms of your emotional health is going to be huge.

She says she can avoid him. They work in separate buildings, although both have to visit the other buildings often.

She seems so honest about wanting R. I can't help but feel she just wants to move on without consequences of any kind, other than that her husband is forever broken.

Your marriage won't ever get close to healing with your families staying integrated to the point where they still have contact. You won't heal as the scabs are going to be regularly picked off by that contact. In the end AP strayed once, he will stray again. Maybe with your wife, maybe not. Big secrets like this seldom stay that way forever. Good chance this blows up your family's life anyway sometime in the next five years.

If your options are really what you state, I would move towards divorce. It's where you're going to end up anyway, just with more trauma to you and your family before it totally blows up. If telling OBS and detaching the families isn't an option and you and your wife still really want to reconcile, you will have to move towns to force that detachment and give your family some distance to build new lives before the affair becomes the talk of the town. Your wife needs to come to terms with what she did has left unexploded ordinance in her family's life.

[This message edited by grubs at 4:38 PM, Monday, July 7th]

Ask her how much more of your emotional wellbeing, self esteem and integrity (keeping OBS in the dark) she’s willing to burn. Exactly how much more of her shit sandwich is she willing to watch you choke down?

[This message edited by asc1226 at 4:47 PM, Monday, July 7th]

That was hard to read, Grubs, because it held a lot of truths. I feel like it's so new that I shouldn't make big decisions like that though. I've told her that I'm just focusing on healing and that's the only thing I'm going to do as my part of the R right now.

[This message edited by AllThatJazz at 4:41 PM, Monday, July 7th]

Sorry you are here. Unfortunately you need to have a Polygraph before you make your decision. My ex ww also gave me the only once intercouse at first. She made it sound almost like she was forced. Turns out it was multiple times and she bought the condoms.
Had to believe it was only once with an 8 year emotional affair.

Welcome to SI and sorry that you're here. As mentioned, the Healing Library is at the top of the site and is an excellent resource. Also, there are posts pinned to the top of the forum that have some good information. There are other posts that aren't pinned that have bull's eye icons that are good resources, too.

Your WW (wayward wife) needs to know that there are consequences for her actions. She needs to find another job. I agree with Grubs in that continued contact between the families will eat away your soul.

I was trying to solve a math problem for eight years without having all the information to solve it.

Maybe OBS (the other betrayed spouse) has been doing this, too. She needs to have the information to make an informed decision about her life. By not telling her, you are complicit in the A and robbing OBS of her agency. How would you feel if others knew & didn't tell you?

I'm glad you're in IC and hope your WW is doing IC, too.

Sorry you're here.

AllThatJazz, first of all I am so sorry you had to be here. I really am.

Let me ask you, if AP’s wife knew and never told you, how would you feel? Especially since you were friends? You should tell her, it’s the right and kind thing to do and it helps if it’s the other betrayed spouse (OBS) because they aren’t a part of this affair, they are an equal victim. You aren’t condoning their affair, but you would be starting your own betrayal of her in not telling her what’s going on in her marriage.

Even on a practical level, this needs to mean an end to the interaction of your families, that can never be done without some explanation - she’s going to know something is wrong and she’ll be the only one who doesn’t know at this point.

One or both need to leave their jobs anyway. Do you really want your life and happiness to rely on "Trust me bro, I won’t speak to him". I know you are in shock but you will see that’s not a sustainable approach for reconciliation.

I want to point out that any and all of the fallout of this, is because they cheated. If APs wife cost them their jobs, that’s the consequences of THEM CHEATING not APs wife finding out.

I also think it’s unlikely to have only been what she’s admitted to. If you’ve know each other all that time, and they kissed 8 years ago, what’s stopped them doing anything in between? Without rubbing salt in your wounds, adults who want to, do.

Jambono, I have no illusions that they really only had sex once. Every time we talk a little more comes out. I fully expect that they were bonking the whole time.

Just had a big lunch-hour "discussion" with her. Told her how I feel (again) about the OBS issue. She just thinks I want to see her suffer. I don't actually want her to suffer. The best solution to this OBS issue for me would be she knows and quietly works toward R with AP. Then we all can heal and no one has to suffer. It's just that I know her pretty well, and she is more likely to react with a thermonuclear bomb in the middle of town. So my wife probably will suffer, and suffer big time. I don't want that to happen to her, but I didn't cheat, either.

Part of the process (I think, just started so what do I know?) is going to be falling back in love with my wife if we get to a R point. She's got a pretty damn clear moral choice she could make right now. Tell OBS. It's right. There is no gray there. A good person does the right thing even when it might mean negative repercussions.

AllThatJazz,

As long as the AP is around, any time your wife’s whereabouts are unexplained, you’ll never be sure it’s innocent.

"Why is she late getting home?"

"How long does it take to go to the grocery store?"

Girls night out? Hah!

Trip by herself? You won’t sleep.

Been there, done that. It’s no way to live.

Her getting away from him, way away, needs to be part of moving forward.

Best wishes.

And as far as the OBS, don’t rely on your wife to do the right thing. Her morals are suspect.

Yeah, Former, I know. I think I'm just giving her a grace period to do it herself.

Actually, one thing I will say is not to prejudge how you think the OBS will react. We all think we know what we’d do if X happened, man I even told myself if my partner cheated I would leave in an instant and I didn’t leave the first time I found out, but tried to reconcile (left the second time though).

Told her how I feel (again) about the OBS issue. She just thinks I want to see her suffer. I don't actually want her to suffer.

I hate to say it but this to me is a big problem. This isn’t a woman who at all understands the impact of what she has done, or its impact on others. It’s all about her, that telling OBS must be to make her suffer, not because the poor woman has a right to know what’s going on in her marriage. That also allows her to transfer her guilt on to you, that because you are telling OBS, you are the problem and not the fact she behaved this way.

It’s a problem because you can’t reconcile with a person who simply wants to sweep it under the rug. I’m sorry but this isn’t her trying, or getting it. This is her minimising and trying to shift blame elsewhere. I don’t sense you have much to work with here, she is not a person willing to do the right things, I’m sorry.