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I want to make clear that I intend to avoid AP and his family whenever possible, and I hope to God my wife does too.

I say this with the very best of intentions to OP: your passivity will not serve you well. If you have ANY desire for R, you simply must tell OBS, and insist on NC. Tell your adulterous wife that. That means one or both quits their jobs. If you need to keep this quiet (I sure hope no part of that is you feeling embarrassed — your wife cheated, you didn’t), then you must move to a new town far away.

Accomplishing all of this AND successfully reconciling with a woman who’s clearly not remorseful is going to be 99.9% impossible. Unfortunately so many must learn the hard way. I wish you the best.

Don’t you think your wife suggesting you "go for it" in terms of your tryst in an "open marriage" was simply to assuage her guilt for the affair she was already probably in the midst of?

I think your WS is a master gaslighter.

The only way to deal with her total bullshit is outing their affair to the OBS and cutting off "ALL CONTACT" with OM. If she refuses I would immediately move to file for divorce. I don’t matter how hard it is on her. Your marriage is the foundation of your family, and if she refuses to make the changes then she is refusing to repair a foundation that currently has collapsed.

Generally I never get this blunt but here goes…get a divorce started. You have been living in a marriage as a party of one. Who knows what her definition of marriage is but it isn’t looking good from over here. She has been cheating on you for at least half of your marriage.

What are you getting out of it?

Even your halfhearted stab at an open marriage sounds sad. This isn’t what you want, is it? You need someone with a little more glue in their psyche. She does not appear to stick very well. I don’t read that she loves you. She probably can’t love the way you do.